Don't know what's wrong.

What I really need is a drink. or seven.

Ice Storm Over the Horizon...

Ok, so there was no blizzard. that sucked. It would have been nice to have the snow to distract us from everything else going on.
I spent the weekend with Andrea. Because a.) Her boyfriend is being a maxi pad and b.) Her grandfather was dying. He's like my grandfather too even though I met him this summer.
Papa went yesterday.
Eric is still being a douchebag. No. He's a maxi-pad. He isn't worthy of cleaning her cunt. He's a receptacle for mestrual blood.
We both cried over the former. And went out and had milkshakes.
I don't know what else to say. Neither one of us expected it.

That One Had Raspberry Filling In It!

At one point in the story of the past week, my dad got me a box of Godiva chocolates (for valentine's day). I'm still eating them. Tasty,
It's been absolutely nuts. I could tell you about the weekend, where I stayed at Kyle's house because his parents were out of the house and we had sex like crazy. I could tell you about Tuesday and Wednesday, and getting caught, then getting stuck in the snow and digging out mostly with an old portfolio and my boots, then the long drive to my parents house, then Valentine's day with the unrealized snowmen and sex in the park.
I could talk about the Unknown.
I could talk about last night, where Kyle in the state of desperation he was in tried so hard to convince me that he is bad for me, and I tried so hard to hold him until he felt less sad. About waking up, fully clothed, staring at Kyle's dad. I could tell about going to Victoria's secret with meg, or about when Kyle came over today.
But it's too much.
all way too much. These things happened. they're over. Theyre great stories. But I don't have the patience to type them out.
Instead enjoy this little photo doc of me attempting to dig us out.

Parliament Lights 100's

We used to smoke them, in the summer. it was more cigarette for the money. At least it felt that way. We didn't have enough cash to buy more than one pack at a time so we would share. We would share individual cigarettes, even. We would finish each other's cigarettes if one of us got tired of smoking. We drove around.
Andrea would get mad if I smoked more than she did, because she always bought the packs, Or stole them from her mother when we were really broke. Basics.
Now, if I smoke basics, I gag. The month or two when her mother smoked parliaments was the best.
She had a ticket that she altered, that's how we got them.
Sometimes Julie would be there, but for the most part it was me and her. Schoop's in the daytime, Round the clock nights. We didn't sleep.
When we weren't at Round the clock or Schoop's or Target we would play music. In the basement, in the garage, wherever we were. Sometimes I would steal her car when she was sleeping and go visit Kyle. She doesn't know about that. She probably won't ever know. She doesn't read this.
I shouldn't be upset. I've only known her for a little over a year.
I miss her. A lot. More than I should. I don't know why it was so heartbreaking that she completely disregarded my exsistence this weekend, But I can't stop crying. And I can't blame hormones. This is me. Missing my best friend. Missing all of my best friends. Wondering what I am doing wrong that this pattern continues.
But especially her.
We used to be one person. Now, we're one person and one person. Not even two people.
She stopped calling me months ago. If I want to talk to her, I have to call.
Maybe I just can't take a hint?
Then why would she have told me she was coming?

"How I Raped Lou Shields"

-My new story I'm going to write.
Tonight I went to a gallery opening at this man's house/gallery:

His kitchen looks like this:

So I plan on cooking for him. He has two spices: curry powder and oregano. and some 2-year old soy sauce.
I told Kyle that I was going to seduce Lou when I go and cook for him. His place has a catwalk, we joked about him Lou walking up and down the catwalk, shaking his hands, going "there's a girl in the house there's a girl in the house there's a girl in the house" and being very nervous. So I've decided to seduce him. After dinner I will chase him around the house until I have him pinned down and I will have sex with him.
And that is the story of how I will rape lou shields.
Anyways, no call from Andrea yet. Anyone who went in on that, well, you owe me 10 bucks.

I'm Taking Bets.

So my best friend is definitely home, like I'm pretty ure she told me over the phone a few days ago. Hasn't returned my calls.
Here's 10 bucks that say I don't see her once while she's here.
I had a dream last night that her phone was stolen, and that I had a woderful conversation with the theives of her phone trying to figure out if it was her phone that they took, or if andrea had been kidnapped. They took the phone.

Yesterday... all was full of sex.

I am Surely Unsure of My Reasons for Being Awake.

Right now anyways.
I woke up at 8 ae em today. Why? because I decided that I should be awake in the daytime. My class is at 630. So, I've been bumming around and soon I'm going to go buy a book I need for said class.
An update on the state of things here:
I spent most of sunday under a desk in Kyle's room. It was uncomfortable and scary. Why? Ive been having trouble getting to sleep alone these days (these days meaning since feb. 1). Every chance I get I hop on a train and secretly sleep in Kyle's bed. As usual, we overslept sunday morning. To the point where his whle family was awake. I couldn't get out, so I had to hide until they all left. 5 hours of desk. FIVE HOURS. After his father finally left, I waited for two hours for Kyle to get home from work. Not under the desk, just sitting in his room. About 5 minutes before he got home I got really excited to see him, so when he walked though the door I hugged him for a good 3 minutes.
We are crazy. But we love each other. And not sleeping alone along with getting to greet him when he got home from work was worth all 5 hours.
I got home just in time to catch the tail end of Meg's birthday party. Everybody from the suburbs had left, which was kind of disappointing.
Yesterday I refused to go outside to make up for the inordinate amounts of time spent outside on the weekend.
I'm doing a lot better. And today, Kyle and I are going to see a movie or something with the money my grandmother sent us for valentine's day. The key point here not being the cute but sappy card that came with a magnet, or the money itself, but the fact that it was for US. Everyone in my family is forgetting we aren't married.
(Also! the magnet is on the fridge. it says "Best Granddaughter Ever". My grandmother is adorable.)

This Cheered Me Up.

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/babies/index.htm

"She Took My Hand and I Felt It Kick..."

So we're talking, and Kyle tells me that the one time we thought I was pregnant, I might have had a miscarriage.
Dear god.

This Contradiction Lifestyle... Dear God.

I got the pocket organ back finally. A lot of people used it for a lot of things. Ok two people. But a lot of things. I can't wait to hear.
I left early and got home late, spent two hours in a train station and an extra hour asleep in Kyle's bed. Did his dad see me? Who knows? If he did he's being quiet about it. If he didn't then it doesn't matter.
AnnieO wants us to move to new mexico. I don't like the climate. Neither does Kyle. But sitting in the train station made me wish for warmer places where I don't have to sneak out to see him. Some place where we can sleep in the same bed and get miserably sweaty without having to worry that parents will wake up and catch us.
It's plausible. It's probably not a possibility though. But I've been thinking about it and it would be nice. It depends on a few things.
(All in all, part of me really wants to go and start life with him. Even if it means new mexico and AnnieO's restaurant. I can cook. I can cook really well. I could help. The other part of me hates the southwest.)
(Also! did I mention that AnnieO is Andrea's predecessor in dating Eric? Weird.)