Her name was Lucy.
She disappeared one day, between le tigre references, bad french and stomach surgery. She said she was going and she left never to return.
She finished her story. I have not, but I've been thinking long and hard about censorship and why I do this and what it keeps me from and what it encourages,
And I've come to understand that same thing she was saying a year ago. She came out of surgery wanting to live, I've been trying to live for a while.
So I need to join her, in the realm of the finished.
I've my life ahead, just one more story, one more scar to finger in the dark.
22 March 2007
21 March 2007
"The Things That You've Got Coming Will Do Things That You're Afraid To...
There is someone waiting out there with a mouthful of surprises"- The Mountain Goats
I feel strangely relfective about weird things after driving for about 7 hours through Iowa. Iowa sucks, and there's some stuff that needs out of my head. I dont know about what, but there was a song that I can't remeber that they played in the car tht reminded me of something I can't really remember.
There feels like a layer of grime that has something to do with something.
Mmm. Neva Dinova is helping this immensely.
There is nothing more that I have wanted my whole life than to be in a relationship that would last forever. I have been waiting my whole life to find this. Now that I believe I have found it, it scares the shit out of me. In ways I can't even explain.
The first boy I thought I was in love with humoured me for a very long time. I was humouring myself about a lot of things, too. Things that didn't even get bad until I was in high school. Then I met Adam.
I met Adam at a church conference in Michigan. He was my technical first kiss (that's a whole other story). We were still young and thought we were punk and we were going to get married, so he thought. We wrote letters, they were cute. Adam liked coke. He also liked boys and liked encouraging me to cut myself because it got him off to hear about me cutting myself. I was 'with him' for 2 years. Did I mention he lives in kentucky? I saw him once for two years. I was desperate to be in that relationship that would last forever.
I only broke up with him because I thought Kyle was gone forever. I decided to give up.
Giving up meant a boy named Nick, sort of. It was a confusing summer. I did a lot of things i shouldn't have, probably. By the time Kyle found me again I was most of the way into the relationship with Nick. I had to see that through.
When people hurt my friends, I get angry. Sometimes it sits, sometimes it come out in writing, sometimes I get creative. I've always been like this. Nick hurt my best friend. I let it go for a while, but then I found myself completely giving up on everything. Call it mental suicide. I spent a week in a pill induced pseudo-coma, I think, it may have been longer (i remember wandering around my high school and that's it). I sent myself into shock due to blood loss. I took more pills. I survived. I decided that i could get Nick back. I told him everything. I got him to love me. I never liked him. I was going to have sex with him, because my virginity suddenly didn't matter.
We got along pretty well. I got him to break up with me because I didn't want to do it. Two months of my life. Waste? No. I broke his heart. I avenged Kathlyn. She never asked me to, but i had to.
(Also! While this was going on, I had Mike Robinson come and go. I could have been completely, 100% happy with him all of the time. But it slipped away.
Also! A week or two before I started dating Nick, I made out with some random guy in a treehouse. I think his name was Jacob.
Also! during this time Kyle started talking to me. I flipped out because I was so excited. I had an emotional affair with Kyle the entire time i dated Nick. Nick knew this and I rubbed it in as much as possible.
Also! Half a month before Nick broke up with me/I broke up with him, I had a complete mental breakdown. I don't think Nick even knew, except I started going to see a shrink. Kyle knew. Kyle was the last person to see me before I went crazy in springfield.)
I ended up not having sex with Nick. I told him, December. I broke up with him December 1. Exactly two months. The funniest part about that was, I had said to a friend of mine, "if this goes a day over two months you are under orders to shoot me." I didn't realize that i had done that until later, when I was looking at something. Nick made me do a lot of things that I really didn't want to do. He guilted me into them and sometimes they hurt. So I'm not really sure who was left with more damage. I knew that one wasn't going to last. It was an experiment in destructive beaviour. I knew what he did to girls. I wanted to be taken advantage of and fucked over. Somehow, I don't think that happened. I did a lot of things I didn't want to. I got fucked up. But I think I ended up taking advantage of him. He was willing to change for me and I just wanted to blow him off. Weird.
Kyle somehow saved me. I don't understand how to explain it, but he has and is saving me. This is why I love him. He dropped out of the sky to call me a liar and salute me in the halls and sit with me when I had a panic attack in the back of the art room and stay up all night with me, just to watch the sun rise from separate houses in separate towns over the internet. To get sugar in my hair when we missed the aristocrats. To get me grounded for a month because I never wanted to leave him. I still don't want to be apart from him.
That's how it happened, actually. I didn't want to leave him on groundhog day of last year. the next day I had to go on another conference like the one that i went crazy on, and i wanted to just be with him. 3 ae em and i fell asleep in his bed. Kyle was in the other room. My mother called his house and we got in so much trouble, but it was worth it. I had to go and I wandered into his arms for the first time ever and understood that maybe everything I was feeling was mutual.
and drove home knowing that something had ended, and something else had begun. It almost killed me and i slept very little that whole weekend. I knew that I was in the wrong bed. A week later, we were sort of an item. A week after that was valentines day. He made me a card with us in the poor edward story. I showed everyone I knew. And a week after that we kissed for the first time. That's a story.
Caribou coffee, I was 'buying t-shirts' and he was 'in math class'. He started with my hands, then my arms, then my face. Tracing every scar, every vein, every line. My lips. then we were forehead to forehead, and he said "just one then". And then we kissed. And the whle world began to sing.
It was his first kiss. It was painfully obvious. It felt like my first kiss.
I spent the rest of the day staring at walls and listening to starflyer 59.
And, well, from there it's been history.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I get really scared. I do things that hurt us both. He does things that hurt me so bad I want to be bad. And I don't feel bad. The bad half live in wickedness, yes, but the good half live in arrogance. I'm fucked up but I don't think it makes me better. I love him more than I thought was possible for anyone to love anything. even god. I don't know if i believe in him any more, but it feels like I've got Kyle for my salvation instead.
I remembered the song.
"It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake."- Rilo Kiley, The good that won't come out.
I feel strangely relfective about weird things after driving for about 7 hours through Iowa. Iowa sucks, and there's some stuff that needs out of my head. I dont know about what, but there was a song that I can't remeber that they played in the car tht reminded me of something I can't really remember.
There feels like a layer of grime that has something to do with something.
Mmm. Neva Dinova is helping this immensely.
There is nothing more that I have wanted my whole life than to be in a relationship that would last forever. I have been waiting my whole life to find this. Now that I believe I have found it, it scares the shit out of me. In ways I can't even explain.
The first boy I thought I was in love with humoured me for a very long time. I was humouring myself about a lot of things, too. Things that didn't even get bad until I was in high school. Then I met Adam.
I met Adam at a church conference in Michigan. He was my technical first kiss (that's a whole other story). We were still young and thought we were punk and we were going to get married, so he thought. We wrote letters, they were cute. Adam liked coke. He also liked boys and liked encouraging me to cut myself because it got him off to hear about me cutting myself. I was 'with him' for 2 years. Did I mention he lives in kentucky? I saw him once for two years. I was desperate to be in that relationship that would last forever.
I only broke up with him because I thought Kyle was gone forever. I decided to give up.
Giving up meant a boy named Nick, sort of. It was a confusing summer. I did a lot of things i shouldn't have, probably. By the time Kyle found me again I was most of the way into the relationship with Nick. I had to see that through.
When people hurt my friends, I get angry. Sometimes it sits, sometimes it come out in writing, sometimes I get creative. I've always been like this. Nick hurt my best friend. I let it go for a while, but then I found myself completely giving up on everything. Call it mental suicide. I spent a week in a pill induced pseudo-coma, I think, it may have been longer (i remember wandering around my high school and that's it). I sent myself into shock due to blood loss. I took more pills. I survived. I decided that i could get Nick back. I told him everything. I got him to love me. I never liked him. I was going to have sex with him, because my virginity suddenly didn't matter.
We got along pretty well. I got him to break up with me because I didn't want to do it. Two months of my life. Waste? No. I broke his heart. I avenged Kathlyn. She never asked me to, but i had to.
(Also! While this was going on, I had Mike Robinson come and go. I could have been completely, 100% happy with him all of the time. But it slipped away.
Also! A week or two before I started dating Nick, I made out with some random guy in a treehouse. I think his name was Jacob.
Also! during this time Kyle started talking to me. I flipped out because I was so excited. I had an emotional affair with Kyle the entire time i dated Nick. Nick knew this and I rubbed it in as much as possible.
Also! Half a month before Nick broke up with me/I broke up with him, I had a complete mental breakdown. I don't think Nick even knew, except I started going to see a shrink. Kyle knew. Kyle was the last person to see me before I went crazy in springfield.)
I ended up not having sex with Nick. I told him, December. I broke up with him December 1. Exactly two months. The funniest part about that was, I had said to a friend of mine, "if this goes a day over two months you are under orders to shoot me." I didn't realize that i had done that until later, when I was looking at something. Nick made me do a lot of things that I really didn't want to do. He guilted me into them and sometimes they hurt. So I'm not really sure who was left with more damage. I knew that one wasn't going to last. It was an experiment in destructive beaviour. I knew what he did to girls. I wanted to be taken advantage of and fucked over. Somehow, I don't think that happened. I did a lot of things I didn't want to. I got fucked up. But I think I ended up taking advantage of him. He was willing to change for me and I just wanted to blow him off. Weird.
Kyle somehow saved me. I don't understand how to explain it, but he has and is saving me. This is why I love him. He dropped out of the sky to call me a liar and salute me in the halls and sit with me when I had a panic attack in the back of the art room and stay up all night with me, just to watch the sun rise from separate houses in separate towns over the internet. To get sugar in my hair when we missed the aristocrats. To get me grounded for a month because I never wanted to leave him. I still don't want to be apart from him.
That's how it happened, actually. I didn't want to leave him on groundhog day of last year. the next day I had to go on another conference like the one that i went crazy on, and i wanted to just be with him. 3 ae em and i fell asleep in his bed. Kyle was in the other room. My mother called his house and we got in so much trouble, but it was worth it. I had to go and I wandered into his arms for the first time ever and understood that maybe everything I was feeling was mutual.
and drove home knowing that something had ended, and something else had begun. It almost killed me and i slept very little that whole weekend. I knew that I was in the wrong bed. A week later, we were sort of an item. A week after that was valentines day. He made me a card with us in the poor edward story. I showed everyone I knew. And a week after that we kissed for the first time. That's a story.
Caribou coffee, I was 'buying t-shirts' and he was 'in math class'. He started with my hands, then my arms, then my face. Tracing every scar, every vein, every line. My lips. then we were forehead to forehead, and he said "just one then". And then we kissed. And the whle world began to sing.
It was his first kiss. It was painfully obvious. It felt like my first kiss.
I spent the rest of the day staring at walls and listening to starflyer 59.
And, well, from there it's been history.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I get really scared. I do things that hurt us both. He does things that hurt me so bad I want to be bad. And I don't feel bad. The bad half live in wickedness, yes, but the good half live in arrogance. I'm fucked up but I don't think it makes me better. I love him more than I thought was possible for anyone to love anything. even god. I don't know if i believe in him any more, but it feels like I've got Kyle for my salvation instead.
I remembered the song.
"It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake."- Rilo Kiley, The good that won't come out.
20 March 2007
The People We Met Today 3/20/07
Itinerary from today: Hannibal-Brunswick-Kansas City.
Today's group of people was much nicer than yesterday.
1. Farmer James and his wife. They ran the giant pecan place. Julie scared them, but we kept talking and it got better. He even did part of his little show for us.It was almost awkward, but he was so genuine.
2. Klay, the cook turned waiter at the Brunswick diner. He hated being a waiter but was very nice.
3. The main office woman at the hotel for tonight, the Howard Johnson Motel. She wasnt so much nice as she was completely unconcerned.
4. The people in the record store. They too were unconcerned, but I guess the guy gave Julie a look of contempt when she bought her CD. All three of us got cds.
5. The woman at the herbs and crystals store. They had salt petre there (!) but I didn't pick any up. I should have. Wen asked about salvia, we learned that salvi divinorum is illegal in the state of Missouri. She thought we might be interested in wiccanism, possibly because Julie asked if they did readings and I threw a fit over the fact that they had salt petre. This is the only woman/person whom Julie didn't weird out with her outburst.
6. The two girls who ran the Y J snack bar. It wasn't actually a snack bar. They had dinner, and that is where we ate. It was worth the driving around lost for a half hour plus. They reminded me of the ditty bops, and made tasty foods.
Today's group of people was much nicer than yesterday.
1. Farmer James and his wife. They ran the giant pecan place. Julie scared them, but we kept talking and it got better. He even did part of his little show for us.It was almost awkward, but he was so genuine.
2. Klay, the cook turned waiter at the Brunswick diner. He hated being a waiter but was very nice.
3. The main office woman at the hotel for tonight, the Howard Johnson Motel. She wasnt so much nice as she was completely unconcerned.
4. The people in the record store. They too were unconcerned, but I guess the guy gave Julie a look of contempt when she bought her CD. All three of us got cds.
5. The woman at the herbs and crystals store. They had salt petre there (!) but I didn't pick any up. I should have. Wen asked about salvia, we learned that salvi divinorum is illegal in the state of Missouri. She thought we might be interested in wiccanism, possibly because Julie asked if they did readings and I threw a fit over the fact that they had salt petre. This is the only woman/person whom Julie didn't weird out with her outburst.
6. The two girls who ran the Y J snack bar. It wasn't actually a snack bar. They had dinner, and that is where we ate. It was worth the driving around lost for a half hour plus. They reminded me of the ditty bops, and made tasty foods.
19 March 2007
The People We Met Today 3/19/07
Itinerary from today: Lansing-Springfield-Hannibal.
Today we met a lot of people who didn't like us, or were weirded out by us.
1. Pasquale, The waiter. He kept trying to be funny and Julie scared him by saying "I will accept rice".
2. The window washer guy. He didn't like that we were so pale and insisted that we needed to tan.
3. The gas station attendant. He got angry at Andrea for not knowing how to get to I-72.
4. The people at the Mark Twain Cave gift shop. Julie scared them by getting angry when they wouldn't restart the tour because we missed it by 10 minutes.
5. The people at the Sawyer Creek area. The man introduced himself with a hearty "Can I help You?"
6. The man who ran at us when we were taking pictures with plastic deer. Another "Can I Help You?", followed by "This is Private Property". He had a walkie talkie and was saying things in number code.
7. The woman at the christian bookstore. The door was open, but it was closed.
---
People who were at least moderately friendly to us:
1. The hotel guy. He was friendly.
2. The woman at the sex shop. She was kind of creepy, but nice and trying to be friendly while hawking her wares. We think she thought we were a gaggle of lesbians.
3. Our waitress at The Mark Twain Dinette. She tried really hard to be nice to us. She even tried to tell us about things to do.
4. The Antique shop woman. She worked at quincy college, and told us that if we want something that is open past 4 p m we should probably go to quincy. She gave us things, such as compliments.
5. The man in the hotel room next to us. He smiled at us. We figure that he's friendly because he isn't from Hannibal.
Today we met a lot of people who didn't like us, or were weirded out by us.
1. Pasquale, The waiter. He kept trying to be funny and Julie scared him by saying "I will accept rice".
2. The window washer guy. He didn't like that we were so pale and insisted that we needed to tan.
3. The gas station attendant. He got angry at Andrea for not knowing how to get to I-72.
4. The people at the Mark Twain Cave gift shop. Julie scared them by getting angry when they wouldn't restart the tour because we missed it by 10 minutes.
5. The people at the Sawyer Creek area. The man introduced himself with a hearty "Can I help You?"
6. The man who ran at us when we were taking pictures with plastic deer. Another "Can I Help You?", followed by "This is Private Property". He had a walkie talkie and was saying things in number code.
7. The woman at the christian bookstore. The door was open, but it was closed.
---
People who were at least moderately friendly to us:
1. The hotel guy. He was friendly.
2. The woman at the sex shop. She was kind of creepy, but nice and trying to be friendly while hawking her wares. We think she thought we were a gaggle of lesbians.
3. Our waitress at The Mark Twain Dinette. She tried really hard to be nice to us. She even tried to tell us about things to do.
4. The Antique shop woman. She worked at quincy college, and told us that if we want something that is open past 4 p m we should probably go to quincy. She gave us things, such as compliments.
5. The man in the hotel room next to us. He smiled at us. We figure that he's friendly because he isn't from Hannibal.
(What's His Name Again?)
SO tonight in hitting up RTC, we saw Rob. Rob used to work there, but for whatever reason I didn't mention him in six hours. He had a lot of sex.
Of course, we talked about sex. And feminism. And Rob showed us photos of what he's been cooking. He goes to chef school and man is he learning how to cook.
Everything looked delicious.
Of course, we talked about sex. And feminism. And Rob showed us photos of what he's been cooking. He goes to chef school and man is he learning how to cook.
Everything looked delicious.
18 March 2007
Spit, Snot, Phlegm, Mucus...
I personally like the word sputum. Regardless, I've had a lot of that stuff going on as of late. It's frustrating because ot only do I have the athsma to deal with, I'm trying to cough up all of this stuff running down my throat. It gets caught in my throat and sits sometimes. Or I'll start coughing and it'll be this big long sticky thing that goes up and dow my throat and I can feel it pulling both directions as I'm trying to cough it up. Or, it will come up normally and have the texture of tapioca or jello or something else gelatinous.
(Also! Trinitrip tomorrow! SO excited! But I'm going to miss Kyle a whole lot. A Whole lot. That's what cell phones are for, though. Kansas City, here we come!)
(Also! Trinitrip tomorrow! SO excited! But I'm going to miss Kyle a whole lot. A Whole lot. That's what cell phones are for, though. Kansas City, here we come!)
The Time for Talking Peacefully is Over.
Guerrilla Force: (n.) An irregular armed force that fights by sabotage and harassment.
---
Guerrilla warfare can be conceived as a continuum. On the low end are small-scale raids, ambushes and attacks.
---
(definitions from dictionary.com and wikipedia, respectively. Yeah, my sources suck sometimes, but they do the trick. Right, Eric?)
---
Guerrilla warfare can be conceived as a continuum. On the low end are small-scale raids, ambushes and attacks.
---
(definitions from dictionary.com and wikipedia, respectively. Yeah, my sources suck sometimes, but they do the trick. Right, Eric?)
17 March 2007
There's What's Going On, and What's Going On.
So I guess I'm permanently sick in the lungs. Other than that, my biggest problem is that I have one of those pimples on my ear.
I'm going to do a little excercise in creative nonfiction. An excercise in retelling, in collecting sources. And I can collect sources. Or source. Or a story that's worth retelling. From someone's perspective. From the beginning.
---
There's this boy, you see? He's my missing source. So I can't give you the last tailof it.
---
I want you to see what I'm seeing because what I'm seeing is death and decay in every sense of the word.
---
There's this boy, you see? He's real cute. brown hair and big brown eyes and these glasses. I guess he's been dating this girl for a while. Not anymore. He says she's clingy or something. And they tried to break up but it didn't work. So he tried again. it worked, I guess.
---
There's this boy, you see? He needed out of a relationship that he didn't want to be in anymore. And there's this girl who he knows, who everyone knows. She's kind of dirty. He told her that he was a sex guru. and so they had sex. That's how he broke up with his girlfriend.
---
There's this boy, right? And this girl he knows, who everyone knows, went with him to his car. they drove around the block and then they did it. Just to do it, Just to get his girlfriend finally out of the picture. She climbed on and he finished fast. He finished really fast and was embarrassed. So she got out of the car and thought nothing of what had happened.
---
There's this boy, ok? He dropped that girl who everyone knows off at the corner like a whore. Maybe she was. Maybe she is. Maybe she's sleeping with some other boy even now, some boy who isn't her boyfriend. Or was. That's when he freaked out. Went and got tested. Maybe he should have. He tried to move on.
---
His ex? She's in new mexico making herself a life. That other girl? Everyone knows her. Everyone knows what she's up to. and who she's next to. Him? Well.
---
This boy, he found himself a new girl. And now that's done too.
---
There's this boy, right? We thought he had changed. But he didn't. He's the same boy who fucked that girl everyone knows. He's still Eric.
I'm going to do a little excercise in creative nonfiction. An excercise in retelling, in collecting sources. And I can collect sources. Or source. Or a story that's worth retelling. From someone's perspective. From the beginning.
---
There's this boy, you see? He's my missing source. So I can't give you the last tailof it.
---
I want you to see what I'm seeing because what I'm seeing is death and decay in every sense of the word.
---
There's this boy, you see? He's real cute. brown hair and big brown eyes and these glasses. I guess he's been dating this girl for a while. Not anymore. He says she's clingy or something. And they tried to break up but it didn't work. So he tried again. it worked, I guess.
---
There's this boy, you see? He needed out of a relationship that he didn't want to be in anymore. And there's this girl who he knows, who everyone knows. She's kind of dirty. He told her that he was a sex guru. and so they had sex. That's how he broke up with his girlfriend.
---
There's this boy, right? And this girl he knows, who everyone knows, went with him to his car. they drove around the block and then they did it. Just to do it, Just to get his girlfriend finally out of the picture. She climbed on and he finished fast. He finished really fast and was embarrassed. So she got out of the car and thought nothing of what had happened.
---
There's this boy, ok? He dropped that girl who everyone knows off at the corner like a whore. Maybe she was. Maybe she is. Maybe she's sleeping with some other boy even now, some boy who isn't her boyfriend. Or was. That's when he freaked out. Went and got tested. Maybe he should have. He tried to move on.
---
His ex? She's in new mexico making herself a life. That other girl? Everyone knows her. Everyone knows what she's up to. and who she's next to. Him? Well.
---
This boy, he found himself a new girl. And now that's done too.
---
There's this boy, right? We thought he had changed. But he didn't. He's the same boy who fucked that girl everyone knows. He's still Eric.
13 March 2007
11 March 2007
Rum is the Devil, Children.
Were I an intelligent person, I would have thought to myself, constant nausea and booze don't mix. Especially rum.
Bleeeech.
Bleeeech.
08 March 2007
(Also!)
Must remeber to call the gyno about the constant bleeding and painyness. it sucks. I don't know what's wrong with me.
So many thigns are wrong with me right now.
Yay!
So many thigns are wrong with me right now.
Yay!
You Know, Livejournal Never Signs Me Out!
I don't post there, havent in over two years, but there's a matter of a certain baby Panda. In yesterday's photo, 7 motns one week, she is wearing a Daniel Johnston shirt. So now I am listenng to the moldy peaches.
My desk is a mess and the wireless connection sucks so i have to use the cable modem. Such a messy desk!
Anyways, entry.
I've been having these really vibrant dreams lately, 3 in a row. that's the weird part, three in a row. the first one involved old weird castles and Kyle proposing to me, and the movie the beast. yeah. number two, I had ringworm. number three, I ave birth to twins. a boy and a girl. they were so wrinkly and warm and little. It made me so happy i started crying. Then I woke up and really wanted some sort of asian cuisine. So I satiated that hunger.
I've been sleeping a lot. Kyle woke me up today. I was trying so hard to cling to that dream, in the place between sleep and awake. I can d it if the phone doesn't ring, translate my physical tear wiping back into dream movement.
I didn't want to wake up, everyone was so happy.
Nice way to start the day.
I think it was nicest because the last dream I had involving children, specifically mine and kyles, was about lucy. I don't like to think about her because it makes me cry.
Kimmy's getting married!
June 3rd. I'm in awe. it's amazing! that makes me so happy!
My desk is a mess and the wireless connection sucks so i have to use the cable modem. Such a messy desk!
Anyways, entry.
I've been having these really vibrant dreams lately, 3 in a row. that's the weird part, three in a row. the first one involved old weird castles and Kyle proposing to me, and the movie the beast. yeah. number two, I had ringworm. number three, I ave birth to twins. a boy and a girl. they were so wrinkly and warm and little. It made me so happy i started crying. Then I woke up and really wanted some sort of asian cuisine. So I satiated that hunger.
I've been sleeping a lot. Kyle woke me up today. I was trying so hard to cling to that dream, in the place between sleep and awake. I can d it if the phone doesn't ring, translate my physical tear wiping back into dream movement.
I didn't want to wake up, everyone was so happy.
Nice way to start the day.
I think it was nicest because the last dream I had involving children, specifically mine and kyles, was about lucy. I don't like to think about her because it makes me cry.
Kimmy's getting married!
June 3rd. I'm in awe. it's amazing! that makes me so happy!
06 March 2007
I'm Beginning To Understand Why Trying Isn't Always Good Enough.
So, Hairshow weekend. The big midwest show. It was kind of exciting. my hair is new, but I don't have my mac so I can't take a picture of it and show you. Oh well. I slept on it anyways.
I didn't really meet anyone exciting this year. We got to smoke inside, and that was exciting.
We drove, Meg and I. I borrowed my mom's car and we drove to and from the convention center both days. I feel like an experience driver, now that I know how to successfully navigate highways and cities.
I also drove home to see the boy on sunday. We were going to go out for dinner. He sent me over early so that I could order one of those pizza things from panera. Hads he gotten out on time, he and the pizza thing would have have arrived at the table I was sitting at moments apart. However, Like I predicted, Kyle was 20 minutes late getting out. The pizza was cold, I didn't want any, and I was a sobby mess.
we talked through it.
Last night I drove the car home so that mom could have it for today. I saw Kyle last night. we went out to dinner and otherwise occupied the time so that he couldn't drop me off at the train station (he had to go home). I decided, I'll stay here tonight. So I did. I'm sitting at the computer my littler siblings use, typing up a blog entry.
Now, Kyle says he can't come and get me until after his class. his class ends at 4. the absolute latest train that I can take is the 4:40. He says he might get out early, that he's going to try. I've sat through his teacher. they aren't going to get out early.
Thank you Kyle, for trying so hard. For making me think that I had a ride to the train station to catch a train that I absolutely need to. For giving me reason to tell my mom that she didn't need to worry about driving me to the train station. You would do it. Really, trying isn't good enough. I'm a sobby mess again.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I'm sick and tired and upset no matter how long I sleep or calm down.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
(Also! New readers! Thanks for stopping by!)
I didn't really meet anyone exciting this year. We got to smoke inside, and that was exciting.
We drove, Meg and I. I borrowed my mom's car and we drove to and from the convention center both days. I feel like an experience driver, now that I know how to successfully navigate highways and cities.
I also drove home to see the boy on sunday. We were going to go out for dinner. He sent me over early so that I could order one of those pizza things from panera. Hads he gotten out on time, he and the pizza thing would have have arrived at the table I was sitting at moments apart. However, Like I predicted, Kyle was 20 minutes late getting out. The pizza was cold, I didn't want any, and I was a sobby mess.
we talked through it.
Last night I drove the car home so that mom could have it for today. I saw Kyle last night. we went out to dinner and otherwise occupied the time so that he couldn't drop me off at the train station (he had to go home). I decided, I'll stay here tonight. So I did. I'm sitting at the computer my littler siblings use, typing up a blog entry.
Now, Kyle says he can't come and get me until after his class. his class ends at 4. the absolute latest train that I can take is the 4:40. He says he might get out early, that he's going to try. I've sat through his teacher. they aren't going to get out early.
Thank you Kyle, for trying so hard. For making me think that I had a ride to the train station to catch a train that I absolutely need to. For giving me reason to tell my mom that she didn't need to worry about driving me to the train station. You would do it. Really, trying isn't good enough. I'm a sobby mess again.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I'm sick and tired and upset no matter how long I sleep or calm down.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
(Also! New readers! Thanks for stopping by!)
26 February 2007
25 February 2007
Ice Storm Over the Horizon...
Ok, so there was no blizzard. that sucked. It would have been nice to have the snow to distract us from everything else going on.
I spent the weekend with Andrea. Because a.) Her boyfriend is being a maxi pad and b.) Her grandfather was dying. He's like my grandfather too even though I met him this summer.
Papa went yesterday.
Eric is still being a douchebag. No. He's a maxi-pad. He isn't worthy of cleaning her cunt. He's a receptacle for mestrual blood.
We both cried over the former. And went out and had milkshakes.
I don't know what else to say. Neither one of us expected it.
I spent the weekend with Andrea. Because a.) Her boyfriend is being a maxi pad and b.) Her grandfather was dying. He's like my grandfather too even though I met him this summer.
Papa went yesterday.
Eric is still being a douchebag. No. He's a maxi-pad. He isn't worthy of cleaning her cunt. He's a receptacle for mestrual blood.
We both cried over the former. And went out and had milkshakes.
I don't know what else to say. Neither one of us expected it.
17 February 2007
That One Had Raspberry Filling In It!
At one point in the story of the past week, my dad got me a box of Godiva chocolates (for valentine's day). I'm still eating them. Tasty,
It's been absolutely nuts. I could tell you about the weekend, where I stayed at Kyle's house because his parents were out of the house and we had sex like crazy. I could tell you about Tuesday and Wednesday, and getting caught, then getting stuck in the snow and digging out mostly with an old portfolio and my boots, then the long drive to my parents house, then Valentine's day with the unrealized snowmen and sex in the park.
I could talk about the Unknown.
I could talk about last night, where Kyle in the state of desperation he was in tried so hard to convince me that he is bad for me, and I tried so hard to hold him until he felt less sad. About waking up, fully clothed, staring at Kyle's dad. I could tell about going to Victoria's secret with meg, or about when Kyle came over today.
But it's too much.
all way too much. These things happened. they're over. Theyre great stories. But I don't have the patience to type them out.
Instead enjoy this little photo doc of me attempting to dig us out.
It's been absolutely nuts. I could tell you about the weekend, where I stayed at Kyle's house because his parents were out of the house and we had sex like crazy. I could tell you about Tuesday and Wednesday, and getting caught, then getting stuck in the snow and digging out mostly with an old portfolio and my boots, then the long drive to my parents house, then Valentine's day with the unrealized snowmen and sex in the park.
I could talk about the Unknown.
I could talk about last night, where Kyle in the state of desperation he was in tried so hard to convince me that he is bad for me, and I tried so hard to hold him until he felt less sad. About waking up, fully clothed, staring at Kyle's dad. I could tell about going to Victoria's secret with meg, or about when Kyle came over today.
But it's too much.
all way too much. These things happened. they're over. Theyre great stories. But I don't have the patience to type them out.
Instead enjoy this little photo doc of me attempting to dig us out.
12 February 2007
Parliament Lights 100's
We used to smoke them, in the summer. it was more cigarette for the money. At least it felt that way. We didn't have enough cash to buy more than one pack at a time so we would share. We would share individual cigarettes, even. We would finish each other's cigarettes if one of us got tired of smoking. We drove around.
Andrea would get mad if I smoked more than she did, because she always bought the packs, Or stole them from her mother when we were really broke. Basics.
Now, if I smoke basics, I gag. The month or two when her mother smoked parliaments was the best.
She had a ticket that she altered, that's how we got them.
Sometimes Julie would be there, but for the most part it was me and her. Schoop's in the daytime, Round the clock nights. We didn't sleep.
When we weren't at Round the clock or Schoop's or Target we would play music. In the basement, in the garage, wherever we were. Sometimes I would steal her car when she was sleeping and go visit Kyle. She doesn't know about that. She probably won't ever know. She doesn't read this.
I shouldn't be upset. I've only known her for a little over a year.
I miss her. A lot. More than I should. I don't know why it was so heartbreaking that she completely disregarded my exsistence this weekend, But I can't stop crying. And I can't blame hormones. This is me. Missing my best friend. Missing all of my best friends. Wondering what I am doing wrong that this pattern continues.
But especially her.
We used to be one person. Now, we're one person and one person. Not even two people.
She stopped calling me months ago. If I want to talk to her, I have to call.
Maybe I just can't take a hint?
Then why would she have told me she was coming?
Andrea would get mad if I smoked more than she did, because she always bought the packs, Or stole them from her mother when we were really broke. Basics.
Now, if I smoke basics, I gag. The month or two when her mother smoked parliaments was the best.
She had a ticket that she altered, that's how we got them.
Sometimes Julie would be there, but for the most part it was me and her. Schoop's in the daytime, Round the clock nights. We didn't sleep.
When we weren't at Round the clock or Schoop's or Target we would play music. In the basement, in the garage, wherever we were. Sometimes I would steal her car when she was sleeping and go visit Kyle. She doesn't know about that. She probably won't ever know. She doesn't read this.
I shouldn't be upset. I've only known her for a little over a year.
I miss her. A lot. More than I should. I don't know why it was so heartbreaking that she completely disregarded my exsistence this weekend, But I can't stop crying. And I can't blame hormones. This is me. Missing my best friend. Missing all of my best friends. Wondering what I am doing wrong that this pattern continues.
But especially her.
We used to be one person. Now, we're one person and one person. Not even two people.
She stopped calling me months ago. If I want to talk to her, I have to call.
Maybe I just can't take a hint?
Then why would she have told me she was coming?
09 February 2007
"How I Raped Lou Shields"
-My new story I'm going to write.
Tonight I went to a gallery opening at this man's house/gallery:
His kitchen looks like this:
So I plan on cooking for him. He has two spices: curry powder and oregano. and some 2-year old soy sauce.
I told Kyle that I was going to seduce Lou when I go and cook for him. His place has a catwalk, we joked about him Lou walking up and down the catwalk, shaking his hands, going "there's a girl in the house there's a girl in the house there's a girl in the house" and being very nervous. So I've decided to seduce him. After dinner I will chase him around the house until I have him pinned down and I will have sex with him.
And that is the story of how I will rape lou shields.
Anyways, no call from Andrea yet. Anyone who went in on that, well, you owe me 10 bucks.
Tonight I went to a gallery opening at this man's house/gallery:
His kitchen looks like this:
So I plan on cooking for him. He has two spices: curry powder and oregano. and some 2-year old soy sauce.
I told Kyle that I was going to seduce Lou when I go and cook for him. His place has a catwalk, we joked about him Lou walking up and down the catwalk, shaking his hands, going "there's a girl in the house there's a girl in the house there's a girl in the house" and being very nervous. So I've decided to seduce him. After dinner I will chase him around the house until I have him pinned down and I will have sex with him.
And that is the story of how I will rape lou shields.
Anyways, no call from Andrea yet. Anyone who went in on that, well, you owe me 10 bucks.
I'm Taking Bets.
So my best friend is definitely home, like I'm pretty ure she told me over the phone a few days ago. Hasn't returned my calls.
Here's 10 bucks that say I don't see her once while she's here.
I had a dream last night that her phone was stolen, and that I had a woderful conversation with the theives of her phone trying to figure out if it was her phone that they took, or if andrea had been kidnapped. They took the phone.
Yesterday... all was full of sex.
Here's 10 bucks that say I don't see her once while she's here.
I had a dream last night that her phone was stolen, and that I had a woderful conversation with the theives of her phone trying to figure out if it was her phone that they took, or if andrea had been kidnapped. They took the phone.
Yesterday... all was full of sex.
06 February 2007
I am Surely Unsure of My Reasons for Being Awake.
Right now anyways.
I woke up at 8 ae em today. Why? because I decided that I should be awake in the daytime. My class is at 630. So, I've been bumming around and soon I'm going to go buy a book I need for said class.
An update on the state of things here:
I spent most of sunday under a desk in Kyle's room. It was uncomfortable and scary. Why? Ive been having trouble getting to sleep alone these days (these days meaning since feb. 1). Every chance I get I hop on a train and secretly sleep in Kyle's bed. As usual, we overslept sunday morning. To the point where his whle family was awake. I couldn't get out, so I had to hide until they all left. 5 hours of desk. FIVE HOURS. After his father finally left, I waited for two hours for Kyle to get home from work. Not under the desk, just sitting in his room. About 5 minutes before he got home I got really excited to see him, so when he walked though the door I hugged him for a good 3 minutes.
We are crazy. But we love each other. And not sleeping alone along with getting to greet him when he got home from work was worth all 5 hours.
I got home just in time to catch the tail end of Meg's birthday party. Everybody from the suburbs had left, which was kind of disappointing.
Yesterday I refused to go outside to make up for the inordinate amounts of time spent outside on the weekend.
I'm doing a lot better. And today, Kyle and I are going to see a movie or something with the money my grandmother sent us for valentine's day. The key point here not being the cute but sappy card that came with a magnet, or the money itself, but the fact that it was for US. Everyone in my family is forgetting we aren't married.
(Also! the magnet is on the fridge. it says "Best Granddaughter Ever". My grandmother is adorable.)
I woke up at 8 ae em today. Why? because I decided that I should be awake in the daytime. My class is at 630. So, I've been bumming around and soon I'm going to go buy a book I need for said class.
An update on the state of things here:
I spent most of sunday under a desk in Kyle's room. It was uncomfortable and scary. Why? Ive been having trouble getting to sleep alone these days (these days meaning since feb. 1). Every chance I get I hop on a train and secretly sleep in Kyle's bed. As usual, we overslept sunday morning. To the point where his whle family was awake. I couldn't get out, so I had to hide until they all left. 5 hours of desk. FIVE HOURS. After his father finally left, I waited for two hours for Kyle to get home from work. Not under the desk, just sitting in his room. About 5 minutes before he got home I got really excited to see him, so when he walked though the door I hugged him for a good 3 minutes.
We are crazy. But we love each other. And not sleeping alone along with getting to greet him when he got home from work was worth all 5 hours.
I got home just in time to catch the tail end of Meg's birthday party. Everybody from the suburbs had left, which was kind of disappointing.
Yesterday I refused to go outside to make up for the inordinate amounts of time spent outside on the weekend.
I'm doing a lot better. And today, Kyle and I are going to see a movie or something with the money my grandmother sent us for valentine's day. The key point here not being the cute but sappy card that came with a magnet, or the money itself, but the fact that it was for US. Everyone in my family is forgetting we aren't married.
(Also! the magnet is on the fridge. it says "Best Granddaughter Ever". My grandmother is adorable.)
03 February 2007
01 February 2007
"She Took My Hand and I Felt It Kick..."
So we're talking, and Kyle tells me that the one time we thought I was pregnant, I might have had a miscarriage.
Dear god.
Dear god.
This Contradiction Lifestyle... Dear God.
I got the pocket organ back finally. A lot of people used it for a lot of things. Ok two people. But a lot of things. I can't wait to hear.
I left early and got home late, spent two hours in a train station and an extra hour asleep in Kyle's bed. Did his dad see me? Who knows? If he did he's being quiet about it. If he didn't then it doesn't matter.
AnnieO wants us to move to new mexico. I don't like the climate. Neither does Kyle. But sitting in the train station made me wish for warmer places where I don't have to sneak out to see him. Some place where we can sleep in the same bed and get miserably sweaty without having to worry that parents will wake up and catch us.
It's plausible. It's probably not a possibility though. But I've been thinking about it and it would be nice. It depends on a few things.
(All in all, part of me really wants to go and start life with him. Even if it means new mexico and AnnieO's restaurant. I can cook. I can cook really well. I could help. The other part of me hates the southwest.)
(Also! did I mention that AnnieO is Andrea's predecessor in dating Eric? Weird.)
I left early and got home late, spent two hours in a train station and an extra hour asleep in Kyle's bed. Did his dad see me? Who knows? If he did he's being quiet about it. If he didn't then it doesn't matter.
AnnieO wants us to move to new mexico. I don't like the climate. Neither does Kyle. But sitting in the train station made me wish for warmer places where I don't have to sneak out to see him. Some place where we can sleep in the same bed and get miserably sweaty without having to worry that parents will wake up and catch us.
It's plausible. It's probably not a possibility though. But I've been thinking about it and it would be nice. It depends on a few things.
(All in all, part of me really wants to go and start life with him. Even if it means new mexico and AnnieO's restaurant. I can cook. I can cook really well. I could help. The other part of me hates the southwest.)
(Also! did I mention that AnnieO is Andrea's predecessor in dating Eric? Weird.)
30 January 2007
Maybe Math Won't Suck After All.
My teacher happens to be awesome.
Also, I walked into the stairway from outside with a lit cigarette a few moments ago. Weird.
And Emi, She's listening to matchbox 20.
My computer is sleepy.
Kyle is... The love of my life. It's his birthday today.
And I got new glasses.
Also, I walked into the stairway from outside with a lit cigarette a few moments ago. Weird.
And Emi, She's listening to matchbox 20.
My computer is sleepy.
Kyle is... The love of my life. It's his birthday today.
And I got new glasses.
26 January 2007
Today's Word of the Day
overweening \oh-vur-WEE-ning\, adjective:
1. Overbearing; arrogant; presumptuous.
2. Excessive; immoderate; exaggerated.
1. Overbearing; arrogant; presumptuous.
2. Excessive; immoderate; exaggerated.
24 January 2007
40/P (or, What Happened Yesterday)
So Monday afternoon I get home from visiting my dad, and I feel kind of sick. I go to sleep.
I slept for over 24 hours with few intermissions. Every 5 hours or so I would get up, take a sip of water, go lay back down.
Apparently, it wasn't enough.
Upon leaving my bed and the apartment to go get Kyle from down stairs, I felt dizzy. I passed out in the elevator. Mary was there with me. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Mary? I love her a lot. I'd be lost without her. Sometimes very literally so. She got me out of the elevator and to a chair. She also went and got my coat and a pair of shoes, so that I didn't have to walk out of the hospital barefoot and shivering. I guess Kenzie and Danni were there too. I vaguely remember Kenzie, but not Danni. I guess Danni got pushed out of the way by the angry redheaded director of residence life. She was very nice to me... It seems like she's angry because of stress.
I went out again when they were putting me into some sort of a chair. That time was cool becuase I was mostly unconsicous (as in, I couldn't hear or see anything and was generally unresponsive) but it felt like I was going around in circles very fast. it ws almost fun. I told them that I wanted Kyle i the ambulance with me, but somehow my dad got in instead. Kyle took a cab. They stuck a needle in my hand and put those sticky heart rate monitor pads on me and that thing you put over your finger to measure pulse... it had a red light at the end. And an oxygen tube thing. The oxygen tube thing probably helped me stop being faint-y the most. They asked me some questions, and my dad answred most of them. that was the one good thing about having him in there with me, he answered questions. I had that flaming lips song stuck in my head, Mr. Ambulance Driver, for obvious reasons. Except the paramedics were two women. I got to the hospital and had taken about half of the bag of saline out, they decided I was just deydrated. Three doctors came in in turns and asked me what had happened and if i was on any hard drugs. The middle one, who I think was pretending to be on TV, asked me with my dad and Kyle out of the room. He seemed sure that I was on heroin. Maybe it was the skinny, pink hair and pale.
Regardless, they gave me another bag of fluid and a heavy-duty cup of cranberry juice. like a liter. That's a lot of cranberry juice.
I did get released after about 3 hours.
I went home, ditched my 600 class (it was just math) and slept. kept drinking. Those were my instructions for staying out of the hospital. keep drinking.
Also! there was an angry nurse who made me pee in a cup. she fixed my IV though, so I didnt care so much that she was mean. At one point it started pulling blood out of my hand. bad.
Also! the 40/P reference in the title is my blood pressure when the paramedics got there. 40/P. the top was 40 (normal people are around 100), and they couldn't get a bottom. woo!
I'm ok now, I promise.
I slept for over 24 hours with few intermissions. Every 5 hours or so I would get up, take a sip of water, go lay back down.
Apparently, it wasn't enough.
Upon leaving my bed and the apartment to go get Kyle from down stairs, I felt dizzy. I passed out in the elevator. Mary was there with me. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Mary? I love her a lot. I'd be lost without her. Sometimes very literally so. She got me out of the elevator and to a chair. She also went and got my coat and a pair of shoes, so that I didn't have to walk out of the hospital barefoot and shivering. I guess Kenzie and Danni were there too. I vaguely remember Kenzie, but not Danni. I guess Danni got pushed out of the way by the angry redheaded director of residence life. She was very nice to me... It seems like she's angry because of stress.
I went out again when they were putting me into some sort of a chair. That time was cool becuase I was mostly unconsicous (as in, I couldn't hear or see anything and was generally unresponsive) but it felt like I was going around in circles very fast. it ws almost fun. I told them that I wanted Kyle i the ambulance with me, but somehow my dad got in instead. Kyle took a cab. They stuck a needle in my hand and put those sticky heart rate monitor pads on me and that thing you put over your finger to measure pulse... it had a red light at the end. And an oxygen tube thing. The oxygen tube thing probably helped me stop being faint-y the most. They asked me some questions, and my dad answred most of them. that was the one good thing about having him in there with me, he answered questions. I had that flaming lips song stuck in my head, Mr. Ambulance Driver, for obvious reasons. Except the paramedics were two women. I got to the hospital and had taken about half of the bag of saline out, they decided I was just deydrated. Three doctors came in in turns and asked me what had happened and if i was on any hard drugs. The middle one, who I think was pretending to be on TV, asked me with my dad and Kyle out of the room. He seemed sure that I was on heroin. Maybe it was the skinny, pink hair and pale.
Regardless, they gave me another bag of fluid and a heavy-duty cup of cranberry juice. like a liter. That's a lot of cranberry juice.
I did get released after about 3 hours.
I went home, ditched my 600 class (it was just math) and slept. kept drinking. Those were my instructions for staying out of the hospital. keep drinking.
Also! there was an angry nurse who made me pee in a cup. she fixed my IV though, so I didnt care so much that she was mean. At one point it started pulling blood out of my hand. bad.
Also! the 40/P reference in the title is my blood pressure when the paramedics got there. 40/P. the top was 40 (normal people are around 100), and they couldn't get a bottom. woo!
I'm ok now, I promise.
21 January 2007
All the Warmth and Softness of an Alpaca With None of the Spitting and Smell!
I'm making a hat. Yeah. And listening to suicide. Suicide is a band that has this song called Frankie Teardrop. It's almost as big of a deal as Hold on Magnolia except this one is about murder. Dear god this song is terrifying.
There's about a million things that I could speak about right now, from last night to today to some night ahead of now. About Jeffery falling asleep on me after he stuck his hand up my shirt (he was drunk). About everyone being back (everyone finally). About waking up twice to talk to Kyle and having him tell me one thing and then another and getting kind of angry. About not talking to hm since, and being worried. About this boy named Adam who is supposed to be coming over. About how Winston was here yesterday for all of that. About my dear friend Raven finding me on facebook.
About my hat.
About suicide.
There's so much I want to say about being a person, but so much I know shouldn't come out.
I want a cup of tea.
There's about a million things that I could speak about right now, from last night to today to some night ahead of now. About Jeffery falling asleep on me after he stuck his hand up my shirt (he was drunk). About everyone being back (everyone finally). About waking up twice to talk to Kyle and having him tell me one thing and then another and getting kind of angry. About not talking to hm since, and being worried. About this boy named Adam who is supposed to be coming over. About how Winston was here yesterday for all of that. About my dear friend Raven finding me on facebook.
About my hat.
About suicide.
There's so much I want to say about being a person, but so much I know shouldn't come out.
I want a cup of tea.
19 January 2007
(Also!)
I now have open commenting! That means if you don't have a blogger account, you can now leave me comments! Of course, you can still leave me comments if you have one too (I get so excited when I see you've been reading me, Michael Lovely)
Maybe There's a Little Insight in Here.
I just hit up my livejournal. I don't post there anymore but I do go back to check on the people on my friends list. And some people not on my friends list, but that I still know and love. To make sure that they are at least alive.
I read entries by two girls who are almost complete opposites, in the opposite ends of a situation. Both pulled on my heart in ways that I didn't expect because both girls meant/mean a lot to me.
And I realized that there is a lot going wrong in my life right now. There could be more, but things aren't right. Kyle and I are having problems. Big problems. The way Kyle refuses to say what's going on with him to my face, how he equivocates, only makes them seem bigger. I don't actually know what kind of problems we are having because he won't come out and say it. Instead, he just insists that there's something that needs to be fixed. I'm in the dark and that's probably my own fault. I might be pregnant on top of that. It's highly (HIGHLY) unlikely, but I've been on the iron pills for two days now and no period in sight. Just rusty discharge like I've been having since my mystery middle of the cycle period.
If I'm pregnant, things will explode. Because I am not emotionally capable of having an abortion. I just can't do it. And Kenny Sunshine made me a mixtape that I can't stop listening to. It's full of love songs and promises. Sometimes it makes me cry because I know what I need, and I know what I want, and they are not the same thing. So I stick with what I need, because I know it will make me happier in the end. I know that it's what will make me happy right now. But the guilt is still there, lingering like the scent of indian food that still fills the apartment. My hormones are messed up anyways, regardless of why they're that way.
...A lot of things are wrong.
But, I turned my zine in to sell. And tonight, Danni and I made a giant lesbian pride poster to creep out her possible new roommate. And we made cornbread. I'm sleeping here tonight because she's been afraid in her apartment alone. I redyed my hair.
I feel right in the middle of those two girls. Not in that I'm not giddily happy and not miserable but somewhere in between, but because I go back and forth. Both situations are breaking my heart right now. My own is too.
He said he would pick me up from the train station tomorrow. But now he isn't answering his phone. How am I supposed to tell him I finally worked up the courage to give my zine to Quimby's to sell?
I read entries by two girls who are almost complete opposites, in the opposite ends of a situation. Both pulled on my heart in ways that I didn't expect because both girls meant/mean a lot to me.
And I realized that there is a lot going wrong in my life right now. There could be more, but things aren't right. Kyle and I are having problems. Big problems. The way Kyle refuses to say what's going on with him to my face, how he equivocates, only makes them seem bigger. I don't actually know what kind of problems we are having because he won't come out and say it. Instead, he just insists that there's something that needs to be fixed. I'm in the dark and that's probably my own fault. I might be pregnant on top of that. It's highly (HIGHLY) unlikely, but I've been on the iron pills for two days now and no period in sight. Just rusty discharge like I've been having since my mystery middle of the cycle period.
If I'm pregnant, things will explode. Because I am not emotionally capable of having an abortion. I just can't do it. And Kenny Sunshine made me a mixtape that I can't stop listening to. It's full of love songs and promises. Sometimes it makes me cry because I know what I need, and I know what I want, and they are not the same thing. So I stick with what I need, because I know it will make me happier in the end. I know that it's what will make me happy right now. But the guilt is still there, lingering like the scent of indian food that still fills the apartment. My hormones are messed up anyways, regardless of why they're that way.
...A lot of things are wrong.
But, I turned my zine in to sell. And tonight, Danni and I made a giant lesbian pride poster to creep out her possible new roommate. And we made cornbread. I'm sleeping here tonight because she's been afraid in her apartment alone. I redyed my hair.
I feel right in the middle of those two girls. Not in that I'm not giddily happy and not miserable but somewhere in between, but because I go back and forth. Both situations are breaking my heart right now. My own is too.
He said he would pick me up from the train station tomorrow. But now he isn't answering his phone. How am I supposed to tell him I finally worked up the courage to give my zine to Quimby's to sell?
18 January 2007
I'm Published(?)
I dropped off the zines at Quimby's today. It was oddly terrifying. I got there, and the man working was downstairs. He was very friendly, and had a nice beard. I had everything filled out, so it only took a few minutes. No static whatsoever. I don't know when it's going to be on shelves, but I'm very excited.
A little about what I'm up to:
Absence/Adoration is an anonymous collaboration put out under the name of Amy Sunshine. It's about infidelity, the situations that cause it, and (sometimes) the aftermath. Every situation is different, and there will be a new one every month on the 18thish.
You can pick them up at Quimby's ( www.quimbys.com ) or talk to me directly. They're 95 cents (or trade) either way. I'd rather you pick them up at Quimby's just so I can imagine that people I don't know are interested.
Got an interesting story about when you cheated on your significant other? Got an interesting story about being the other man/woman? Got an interesting story about when your significant other cheated on you (those last two are the ones I'm really looking for right now)? Let me know and I'll send you a story release form with more info. Tell your friends who have been involved in these things! It's great fun, I promise!
Also! I saw a boy in a long forest green jacket with pink hair while I was in wicker park. HE stared at me and I stared at him and smiled.
A little about what I'm up to:
Absence/Adoration is an anonymous collaboration put out under the name of Amy Sunshine. It's about infidelity, the situations that cause it, and (sometimes) the aftermath. Every situation is different, and there will be a new one every month on the 18thish.
You can pick them up at Quimby's ( www.quimbys.com ) or talk to me directly. They're 95 cents (or trade) either way. I'd rather you pick them up at Quimby's just so I can imagine that people I don't know are interested.
Got an interesting story about when you cheated on your significant other? Got an interesting story about being the other man/woman? Got an interesting story about when your significant other cheated on you (those last two are the ones I'm really looking for right now)? Let me know and I'll send you a story release form with more info. Tell your friends who have been involved in these things! It's great fun, I promise!
Also! I saw a boy in a long forest green jacket with pink hair while I was in wicker park. HE stared at me and I stared at him and smiled.
17 January 2007
I Thought You Must Be, But You Weren't Awake.
Kenny Sunshine came over with Tracy and made me indian food. He also gave me a mixtape. It has this song by elvis perkins on it called while you were sleeping.
That was the song that he opened with when I saw him.
I.. I dont know. And I don't understand. But I have been eating leftovers all day.
"Thank god you're up now..."
That was the song that he opened with when I saw him.
I.. I dont know. And I don't understand. But I have been eating leftovers all day.
"Thank god you're up now..."
14 January 2007
Wft?
These crazy late night conversations, messing me up and cofusing me.
But He still wants me. That's what maters.
But He still wants me. That's what maters.
Heaven is A Place Where All Your Dreams Come True. Maybe This is Heaven.
Tonight, we watched thank you for smoking. I sat alone in a chair while Andrea and Eric snuggled on the couch and remembered when I saw it whith Kyle and watched them and felt utterly and completely alone. Thought about how I don't know if he even wants me anymore.
This Petrograd song from a mix cd Kathlyn gave me 3 years ago keeps coming on. "don't be afraid, he'll be back again. He will knock at your door louder than he ever did, than you have ever heard..."
Every time I hear it I cry or almost cry, because I don't know if he's gone, and if he is, I don't know if he's coming back. And I can't help but wonder, what did I do? What didn't I do? Where did we lose our way?
This Petrograd song from a mix cd Kathlyn gave me 3 years ago keeps coming on. "don't be afraid, he'll be back again. He will knock at your door louder than he ever did, than you have ever heard..."
Every time I hear it I cry or almost cry, because I don't know if he's gone, and if he is, I don't know if he's coming back. And I can't help but wonder, what did I do? What didn't I do? Where did we lose our way?
Heaven is A Place Where All Your Dreams Come True. Maybe This is Heaven.
Tonight, we watched thank you for smoking. I sat alone in a chair while Andrea and Eric snuggled on the couch and remembered when I saw it whith Kyle and watched them and felt utterly and completely alone. Thought about how I don't know if he even wants me anymore.
This Petrograd song from a mix cd Kathlyn gave me 3 years ago keeps coming on. "don't be afraid, he'll be back again. He will knock at your door louder than he ever did, than you have ever heard..."
Every time I hear it I cry or almost cry, because I don't know if he's gone, and if he is, I don't know if he's coming back. And I can't help but wonder, what did I do? What didn't I do? Where did we lose our way?
This Petrograd song from a mix cd Kathlyn gave me 3 years ago keeps coming on. "don't be afraid, he'll be back again. He will knock at your door louder than he ever did, than you have ever heard..."
Every time I hear it I cry or almost cry, because I don't know if he's gone, and if he is, I don't know if he's coming back. And I can't help but wonder, what did I do? What didn't I do? Where did we lose our way?
12 January 2007
11 January 2007
"What Kind of a Fuck Invented Unwaxed Floss?"
"...It causes so much bleeding...Phew! It's unflavored too... I don't mind unflavored as long as it's waxed...
Phew! That was an intense floss sesh*."
"Everything in this bin smells like bin. What a horrible smell!"
"Did I take my contact out? Yeah, I remember putting the effort in."
"This is a nice sweater... Look at the sleeve length! And it makes my boobs look nice... I'm not even wearing a bra! Look! This is a nipple!"
"Ew stop that!... See? This is what happens when you touch my with your feet- I poke you in the eye!"
-The wonderful girl that I spend most of my time with. It's like this most of the time.
Also, She has been naming the cats on catsinsinks.com .
*sesh: short for session.
Phew! That was an intense floss sesh*."
"Everything in this bin smells like bin. What a horrible smell!"
"Did I take my contact out? Yeah, I remember putting the effort in."
"This is a nice sweater... Look at the sleeve length! And it makes my boobs look nice... I'm not even wearing a bra! Look! This is a nipple!"
"Ew stop that!... See? This is what happens when you touch my with your feet- I poke you in the eye!"
-The wonderful girl that I spend most of my time with. It's like this most of the time.
Also, She has been naming the cats on catsinsinks.com .
*sesh: short for session.
10 January 2007
She is back from the dead (er, Philadelphia)
SOOOZZZZZIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soon, There Will be Scrabble.
But right now I'm waiting for Andrea to finish making out with Eric.
The last two nights have been scary and confusing and wonderful all at the same time. Bloody but beautiful, if you will.
Sunday evening I went with Kyle to hang out with a friend of his (Nick) because it was his birthday. My momma dropped me off in a Little Ceasar's parking lot. Kyle got a pizza for himself because he likes to gross me out (plus he was hungry), and then we were on our way. Nick was already a little upset when we got into the car, but when we got to the house we were going to to pick up the girl Sarah he got worse.
Sarah was at a boy Eric's house. Kyle and Nick don't like Eric because he thinks he's 16. Eric will be turning 20 this year. Eric ditched out on Kyle and Nick because he decided he had to throw up. Sarah went with him.
When Nick got back to the house, Eric had invted a few folks over. Nick wasn't planning on hosting such a crowd, and Eric suggested that they just stay at his place.
Thus began the fullness of Nick's rage.
(side note: while nick was running in and out of the house, kyle and i were making out etc. in nick's car. did i mention it was nick's birthday? and his best friend is going at it in his car while he tries to get sarah to go with him. i know, we're horrible people.)
After Nick finally got back to the car with Sarah, we decided to grab coffee or something. Nick instructed Kyle to not get something caffeinated because Kyle was being himself. SO we drove and drove, and nick almost got us into an accident because he wasn't paying attention, and then we started looking for restaurants.
IHOP: closed.
Schoop's: closed.
This was when Nick decided to abort the evening. He wanted to take Sarah home. Sarah lives in the city. (So do I. I did not get offered a ride home.) He dropped Kyle and I off at a train station 15 minutes after the second to last train had left. The next train was at 11:50, and it was about 10. I was supposed to take that train.
We had an hour and 50 minutes. We started calling people, because the station we had been left at was very cold. Eventually we got a hold of Kellie and Kevin. Kelly and Kevin were about an hour away. So we waited, and they showed up. We drove to Kyle's house. After conversing with his parents and being fed, we all sat around for a long while. I missed my train.
Plan A: I would go to Kellie's and sleep on her futon. Kevin would drive me to the train in the morning.
We did not follow plan A.
Plan B: I go with to Kellie's, then Kevin would drive me back and Kyle and I would sit up for the train.
Eventually, it was 2 ae em. Kellie's mother called and yelled at her. They left, and Kyle and I climbed into bed for a few hours. I made my train, and stumbled into bed around 7 ae em. I managed to set the alarm for 1:30 before I drifted off.
At 3:10 pm I woke up. I dressed as fast as I could and ran outside. On the way to the train I called Rachel, the girl I was supposed to meet at 2, and let her know I was on my way. She told me that there was an L train to evanston as opposed to the metra I had planned to take. That saved time.
We went to this place called Cozy Noodles and Rice. Not Cosi, Cozy. A little thai place.
Whoa boy. Amazing. I had so much thai food. It was amazing. And it was beautiful to see Rachel again.
When I got back to my apartment, I realized that at some point i had started my period. I think. I don't know what it is but I've been bleeding even though I still have a week plus of pills.
Meg and Adam came and picked me up. Adam has a car, which is nice. He is very cute and sweet. We drove to Logan square, to a house that was painted and coming apart and was full of kids. They had a steamroller bigger than my forearm. I don't smoke pot, but it was an experience to watch people use it. Then we went to Adam's apartment, which was lovely. It was very clean and in Pilsen, possibly near where Kimmy lives. He gave Meg and I the grande tour and then he made me tea. Green tea and earl grey. Tasty.
Around then was when Andrea called me to say that she was back from mexico, and that I should get on a train. I had Adam drive me back with Meg (after I had finished the rest of my tea and spent a little more time sitting). Meg went back with him though.
Then I got ready to get o the train, and as it pulled up Andrea informed me that she was leaving for round the clock and that she wouldn't get me from the station.
I went to Kyle's. Spent a few hours in his bed. When it was time to leave, however, Andrea called the house. His parents woke up.
*Insert tension*
Kyle can get scary when he gets nervous and angry, and I get catatonic when he scares me. Eventually, after a lot of scared and nervous and catatonic, we left. And I made it to Andrea's house. And we slept. And I kept mistaking her for Kyle in the night, and then I would open my eyes and it was her and I would roll over.
The last two nights have been scary and confusing and wonderful all at the same time. Bloody but beautiful, if you will.
Sunday evening I went with Kyle to hang out with a friend of his (Nick) because it was his birthday. My momma dropped me off in a Little Ceasar's parking lot. Kyle got a pizza for himself because he likes to gross me out (plus he was hungry), and then we were on our way. Nick was already a little upset when we got into the car, but when we got to the house we were going to to pick up the girl Sarah he got worse.
Sarah was at a boy Eric's house. Kyle and Nick don't like Eric because he thinks he's 16. Eric will be turning 20 this year. Eric ditched out on Kyle and Nick because he decided he had to throw up. Sarah went with him.
When Nick got back to the house, Eric had invted a few folks over. Nick wasn't planning on hosting such a crowd, and Eric suggested that they just stay at his place.
Thus began the fullness of Nick's rage.
(side note: while nick was running in and out of the house, kyle and i were making out etc. in nick's car. did i mention it was nick's birthday? and his best friend is going at it in his car while he tries to get sarah to go with him. i know, we're horrible people.)
After Nick finally got back to the car with Sarah, we decided to grab coffee or something. Nick instructed Kyle to not get something caffeinated because Kyle was being himself. SO we drove and drove, and nick almost got us into an accident because he wasn't paying attention, and then we started looking for restaurants.
IHOP: closed.
Schoop's: closed.
This was when Nick decided to abort the evening. He wanted to take Sarah home. Sarah lives in the city. (So do I. I did not get offered a ride home.) He dropped Kyle and I off at a train station 15 minutes after the second to last train had left. The next train was at 11:50, and it was about 10. I was supposed to take that train.
We had an hour and 50 minutes. We started calling people, because the station we had been left at was very cold. Eventually we got a hold of Kellie and Kevin. Kelly and Kevin were about an hour away. So we waited, and they showed up. We drove to Kyle's house. After conversing with his parents and being fed, we all sat around for a long while. I missed my train.
Plan A: I would go to Kellie's and sleep on her futon. Kevin would drive me to the train in the morning.
We did not follow plan A.
Plan B: I go with to Kellie's, then Kevin would drive me back and Kyle and I would sit up for the train.
Eventually, it was 2 ae em. Kellie's mother called and yelled at her. They left, and Kyle and I climbed into bed for a few hours. I made my train, and stumbled into bed around 7 ae em. I managed to set the alarm for 1:30 before I drifted off.
At 3:10 pm I woke up. I dressed as fast as I could and ran outside. On the way to the train I called Rachel, the girl I was supposed to meet at 2, and let her know I was on my way. She told me that there was an L train to evanston as opposed to the metra I had planned to take. That saved time.
We went to this place called Cozy Noodles and Rice. Not Cosi, Cozy. A little thai place.
Whoa boy. Amazing. I had so much thai food. It was amazing. And it was beautiful to see Rachel again.
When I got back to my apartment, I realized that at some point i had started my period. I think. I don't know what it is but I've been bleeding even though I still have a week plus of pills.
Meg and Adam came and picked me up. Adam has a car, which is nice. He is very cute and sweet. We drove to Logan square, to a house that was painted and coming apart and was full of kids. They had a steamroller bigger than my forearm. I don't smoke pot, but it was an experience to watch people use it. Then we went to Adam's apartment, which was lovely. It was very clean and in Pilsen, possibly near where Kimmy lives. He gave Meg and I the grande tour and then he made me tea. Green tea and earl grey. Tasty.
Around then was when Andrea called me to say that she was back from mexico, and that I should get on a train. I had Adam drive me back with Meg (after I had finished the rest of my tea and spent a little more time sitting). Meg went back with him though.
Then I got ready to get o the train, and as it pulled up Andrea informed me that she was leaving for round the clock and that she wouldn't get me from the station.
I went to Kyle's. Spent a few hours in his bed. When it was time to leave, however, Andrea called the house. His parents woke up.
*Insert tension*
Kyle can get scary when he gets nervous and angry, and I get catatonic when he scares me. Eventually, after a lot of scared and nervous and catatonic, we left. And I made it to Andrea's house. And we slept. And I kept mistaking her for Kyle in the night, and then I would open my eyes and it was her and I would roll over.
06 January 2007
Things I Don't Want To Make A List About:
1. The reasons I lay in bed for at least a half hour after I wake up for lack of desire to face the day.
2. My thoughts on college, registering, and options surrounding that.
3. Reasons I don't like being at home for extended periods of time.
4. Kyle.
5. Quitting smoking.
6. A new, high-fiber diet.
7. Goldman Sachs-mas-kah.
8. Bruises I have.
9. Things I wanted to do this week.
10. Things I actually did this week.
11. Cigarette brands/flavors I would like to try.
12. Movies.
13. What I ate today.
I need a cigarette after all those bad thoughts.... wasn't I quitting?
2. My thoughts on college, registering, and options surrounding that.
3. Reasons I don't like being at home for extended periods of time.
4. Kyle.
5. Quitting smoking.
6. A new, high-fiber diet.
7. Goldman Sachs-mas-kah.
8. Bruises I have.
9. Things I wanted to do this week.
10. Things I actually did this week.
11. Cigarette brands/flavors I would like to try.
12. Movies.
13. What I ate today.
I need a cigarette after all those bad thoughts.... wasn't I quitting?
05 January 2007
Before Things Were Put On Hold...
ONCE UPON A TIME...
there was a ship. it didn't have a bottom and there were holes in the sides. this didn't matter to the little girl in the blue dress. she took the ship under her arm and made it better. it was a toy ship, of course. made of plastic and wax. the sail was real canvas, and a previous owner had painted a picture of a tree on it. so she took up her paints and went to work. Lia made a beautiful sail and painted it a magnifecent brown. now all the kids would want to play with it and the growns up wanted to place it in a bottle. but she wouldn't let them. "No, it's my ship and i love it." answered Lia. eventually they left her alone. then one day she met a little kid who was four years old. all he had to play with were rocks and dirt. she felt sorry for him and decided to share her boat with him. he was so happy he began to cry. so Lia let him keep the boat. he smiled at her and said "thank you." she knew she had done a good thing. the boat was gone and all she had left were the memories. memories never die she thought to herself every night she saw that the wind was blowing and the water was clear. a good day to go sailing isn't it. one day she decided to climb the hill where the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and wildflowers lingered. she stood there looking over the town with her dress blowing freely in the wind and whispered "today is a brilliant day to fall in love all over again." so she walked to the village and watched the people do the things they did every day. the bakers baked, and the silversmiths refined silver. the old women chased their children and the younger ones ran from their lovers. she smiled and sighed. then she saw the boy. he was much older now, and had long since given the boat to another young girl. she thought he looked familiar but couldn't put her finger on where she had seen him before. he immediately recongnized her, for her face was ageless. he ran up to her and told her how he was a sailor now and had just bought his first real boat; he painted it blue. and she smiled because she had changed something for the better.
-the end
Love, Kathlyn and Anastasia (2004-ish)
(I miss that.)
there was a ship. it didn't have a bottom and there were holes in the sides. this didn't matter to the little girl in the blue dress. she took the ship under her arm and made it better. it was a toy ship, of course. made of plastic and wax. the sail was real canvas, and a previous owner had painted a picture of a tree on it. so she took up her paints and went to work. Lia made a beautiful sail and painted it a magnifecent brown. now all the kids would want to play with it and the growns up wanted to place it in a bottle. but she wouldn't let them. "No, it's my ship and i love it." answered Lia. eventually they left her alone. then one day she met a little kid who was four years old. all he had to play with were rocks and dirt. she felt sorry for him and decided to share her boat with him. he was so happy he began to cry. so Lia let him keep the boat. he smiled at her and said "thank you." she knew she had done a good thing. the boat was gone and all she had left were the memories. memories never die she thought to herself every night she saw that the wind was blowing and the water was clear. a good day to go sailing isn't it. one day she decided to climb the hill where the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and wildflowers lingered. she stood there looking over the town with her dress blowing freely in the wind and whispered "today is a brilliant day to fall in love all over again." so she walked to the village and watched the people do the things they did every day. the bakers baked, and the silversmiths refined silver. the old women chased their children and the younger ones ran from their lovers. she smiled and sighed. then she saw the boy. he was much older now, and had long since given the boat to another young girl. she thought he looked familiar but couldn't put her finger on where she had seen him before. he immediately recongnized her, for her face was ageless. he ran up to her and told her how he was a sailor now and had just bought his first real boat; he painted it blue. and she smiled because she had changed something for the better.
-the end
Love, Kathlyn and Anastasia (2004-ish)
(I miss that.)
04 January 2007
Look! I'm Blinking With Fists!
Kyle has been drawing these eyes on my palms for the past few days, and today after he was done a held my hands out, palms facing him, and opened and closed them rapidly while exclaiming "Look! I'm blinking with fists!"
He didn't get it at first, but then he realized that that's the name of Billy Corgan from the smashing Pumpkins' book. Then he got mad.
The past few days have been this exhaustion-fueled mess of silliness and sex. Crazy.
Mike Zivat, a friend from high school, stopped by today on a whim. I had signed on line and he sent me an instant message saying "I'm coming over. where do you live again?"
Of course, right now I'm at my parents house. So he came here and we went to Kyle's house (with Winsty in tow) and watched a scanner darkly. Or tried to. It was a lot of fun and he told us all about the psychedelics he's been using. We ended up at crappy round the clock, but it was ok. The coffee was amazing.
Also! I'm going to Ikea in a few hours/tomorrow!
He didn't get it at first, but then he realized that that's the name of Billy Corgan from the smashing Pumpkins' book. Then he got mad.
The past few days have been this exhaustion-fueled mess of silliness and sex. Crazy.
Mike Zivat, a friend from high school, stopped by today on a whim. I had signed on line and he sent me an instant message saying "I'm coming over. where do you live again?"
Of course, right now I'm at my parents house. So he came here and we went to Kyle's house (with Winsty in tow) and watched a scanner darkly. Or tried to. It was a lot of fun and he told us all about the psychedelics he's been using. We ended up at crappy round the clock, but it was ok. The coffee was amazing.
Also! I'm going to Ikea in a few hours/tomorrow!
03 January 2007
Exegesis: (n.) Exposition; Explanation.
That is today's word of the day. Happy new year, kids!
Yesterday I spent with Kyle. We went back to my apartment and, well, it was intense. I woke up this morning feeling like I had a hangover. No booze was involved, but it was intense. Everything is sore. I love it.
Today, Andrea's mother went nuts. Also intense. Andrea has to spend a week with this woman and it will most likely be hell. She threatened to chase Andrea down today. It was terrifying. I'm worried for when Andrea gets home, and also for the week that will follow.
Yesterday I spent with Kyle. We went back to my apartment and, well, it was intense. I woke up this morning feeling like I had a hangover. No booze was involved, but it was intense. Everything is sore. I love it.
Today, Andrea's mother went nuts. Also intense. Andrea has to spend a week with this woman and it will most likely be hell. She threatened to chase Andrea down today. It was terrifying. I'm worried for when Andrea gets home, and also for the week that will follow.
01 January 2007
Happy New Year, Kids!
(all two, possibly three of you!)
This year, to celebrate, I embraced radical feminism by making out with a girl!
This year, to celebrate, I embraced radical feminism by making out with a girl!
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