Maybe Math Won't Suck After All.

My teacher happens to be awesome.
Also, I walked into the stairway from outside with a lit cigarette a few moments ago. Weird.
And Emi, She's listening to matchbox 20.
My computer is sleepy.
Kyle is... The love of my life. It's his birthday today.


And I got new glasses.

Today's Word of the Day

overweening \oh-vur-WEE-ning\, adjective:
1. Overbearing; arrogant; presumptuous.
2. Excessive; immoderate; exaggerated.

40/P (or, What Happened Yesterday)

So Monday afternoon I get home from visiting my dad, and I feel kind of sick. I go to sleep.
I slept for over 24 hours with few intermissions. Every 5 hours or so I would get up, take a sip of water, go lay back down.
Apparently, it wasn't enough.
Upon leaving my bed and the apartment to go get Kyle from down stairs, I felt dizzy. I passed out in the elevator. Mary was there with me. Have I ever mentioned how much I love Mary? I love her a lot. I'd be lost without her. Sometimes very literally so. She got me out of the elevator and to a chair. She also went and got my coat and a pair of shoes, so that I didn't have to walk out of the hospital barefoot and shivering. I guess Kenzie and Danni were there too. I vaguely remember Kenzie, but not Danni. I guess Danni got pushed out of the way by the angry redheaded director of residence life. She was very nice to me... It seems like she's angry because of stress.
I went out again when they were putting me into some sort of a chair. That time was cool becuase I was mostly unconsicous (as in, I couldn't hear or see anything and was generally unresponsive) but it felt like I was going around in circles very fast. it ws almost fun. I told them that I wanted Kyle i the ambulance with me, but somehow my dad got in instead. Kyle took a cab. They stuck a needle in my hand and put those sticky heart rate monitor pads on me and that thing you put over your finger to measure pulse... it had a red light at the end. And an oxygen tube thing. The oxygen tube thing probably helped me stop being faint-y the most. They asked me some questions, and my dad answred most of them. that was the one good thing about having him in there with me, he answered questions. I had that flaming lips song stuck in my head, Mr. Ambulance Driver, for obvious reasons. Except the paramedics were two women. I got to the hospital and had taken about half of the bag of saline out, they decided I was just deydrated. Three doctors came in in turns and asked me what had happened and if i was on any hard drugs. The middle one, who I think was pretending to be on TV, asked me with my dad and Kyle out of the room. He seemed sure that I was on heroin. Maybe it was the skinny, pink hair and pale.
Regardless, they gave me another bag of fluid and a heavy-duty cup of cranberry juice. like a liter. That's a lot of cranberry juice.
I did get released after about 3 hours.
I went home, ditched my 600 class (it was just math) and slept. kept drinking. Those were my instructions for staying out of the hospital. keep drinking.

Also! there was an angry nurse who made me pee in a cup. she fixed my IV though, so I didnt care so much that she was mean. At one point it started pulling blood out of my hand. bad.

Also! the 40/P reference in the title is my blood pressure when the paramedics got there. 40/P. the top was 40 (normal people are around 100), and they couldn't get a bottom. woo!

I'm ok now, I promise.

All the Warmth and Softness of an Alpaca With None of the Spitting and Smell!

I'm making a hat. Yeah. And listening to suicide. Suicide is a band that has this song called Frankie Teardrop. It's almost as big of a deal as Hold on Magnolia except this one is about murder. Dear god this song is terrifying.
There's about a million things that I could speak about right now, from last night to today to some night ahead of now. About Jeffery falling asleep on me after he stuck his hand up my shirt (he was drunk). About everyone being back (everyone finally). About waking up twice to talk to Kyle and having him tell me one thing and then another and getting kind of angry. About not talking to hm since, and being worried. About this boy named Adam who is supposed to be coming over. About how Winston was here yesterday for all of that. About my dear friend Raven finding me on facebook.
About my hat.
About suicide.
There's so much I want to say about being a person, but so much I know shouldn't come out.
I want a cup of tea.

(Also!)

I now have open commenting! That means if you don't have a blogger account, you can now leave me comments! Of course, you can still leave me comments if you have one too (I get so excited when I see you've been reading me, Michael Lovely)

Maybe There's a Little Insight in Here.

I just hit up my livejournal. I don't post there anymore but I do go back to check on the people on my friends list. And some people not on my friends list, but that I still know and love. To make sure that they are at least alive.
I read entries by two girls who are almost complete opposites, in the opposite ends of a situation. Both pulled on my heart in ways that I didn't expect because both girls meant/mean a lot to me.
And I realized that there is a lot going wrong in my life right now. There could be more, but things aren't right. Kyle and I are having problems. Big problems. The way Kyle refuses to say what's going on with him to my face, how he equivocates, only makes them seem bigger. I don't actually know what kind of problems we are having because he won't come out and say it. Instead, he just insists that there's something that needs to be fixed. I'm in the dark and that's probably my own fault. I might be pregnant on top of that. It's highly (HIGHLY) unlikely, but I've been on the iron pills for two days now and no period in sight. Just rusty discharge like I've been having since my mystery middle of the cycle period.
If I'm pregnant, things will explode. Because I am not emotionally capable of having an abortion. I just can't do it. And Kenny Sunshine made me a mixtape that I can't stop listening to. It's full of love songs and promises. Sometimes it makes me cry because I know what I need, and I know what I want, and they are not the same thing. So I stick with what I need, because I know it will make me happier in the end. I know that it's what will make me happy right now. But the guilt is still there, lingering like the scent of indian food that still fills the apartment. My hormones are messed up anyways, regardless of why they're that way.
...A lot of things are wrong.
But, I turned my zine in to sell. And tonight, Danni and I made a giant lesbian pride poster to creep out her possible new roommate. And we made cornbread. I'm sleeping here tonight because she's been afraid in her apartment alone. I redyed my hair.

I feel right in the middle of those two girls. Not in that I'm not giddily happy and not miserable but somewhere in between, but because I go back and forth. Both situations are breaking my heart right now. My own is too.
He said he would pick me up from the train station tomorrow. But now he isn't answering his phone. How am I supposed to tell him I finally worked up the courage to give my zine to Quimby's to sell?

I'm Published(?)

I dropped off the zines at Quimby's today. It was oddly terrifying. I got there, and the man working was downstairs. He was very friendly, and had a nice beard. I had everything filled out, so it only took a few minutes. No static whatsoever. I don't know when it's going to be on shelves, but I'm very excited.
A little about what I'm up to:

Absence/Adoration is an anonymous collaboration put out under the name of Amy Sunshine. It's about infidelity, the situations that cause it, and (sometimes) the aftermath. Every situation is different, and there will be a new one every month on the 18thish.
You can pick them up at Quimby's ( www.quimbys.com ) or talk to me directly. They're 95 cents (or trade) either way. I'd rather you pick them up at Quimby's just so I can imagine that people I don't know are interested.

Got an interesting story about when you cheated on your significant other? Got an interesting story about being the other man/woman? Got an interesting story about when your significant other cheated on you (those last two are the ones I'm really looking for right now)? Let me know and I'll send you a story release form with more info. Tell your friends who have been involved in these things! It's great fun, I promise!

Also! I saw a boy in a long forest green jacket with pink hair while I was in wicker park. HE stared at me and I stared at him and smiled.

OK...

Now I'm scared.
Asshole.

I Thought You Must Be, But You Weren't Awake.

Kenny Sunshine came over with Tracy and made me indian food. He also gave me a mixtape. It has this song by elvis perkins on it called while you were sleeping.
That was the song that he opened with when I saw him.
I.. I dont know. And I don't understand. But I have been eating leftovers all day.
"Thank god you're up now..."

Wft?

These crazy late night conversations, messing me up and cofusing me.
But He still wants me. That's what maters.

Heaven is A Place Where All Your Dreams Come True. Maybe This is Heaven.

Tonight, we watched thank you for smoking. I sat alone in a chair while Andrea and Eric snuggled on the couch and remembered when I saw it whith Kyle and watched them and felt utterly and completely alone. Thought about how I don't know if he even wants me anymore.
This Petrograd song from a mix cd Kathlyn gave me 3 years ago keeps coming on. "don't be afraid, he'll be back again. He will knock at your door louder than he ever did, than you have ever heard..."
Every time I hear it I cry or almost cry, because I don't know if he's gone, and if he is, I don't know if he's coming back. And I can't help but wonder, what did I do? What didn't I do? Where did we lose our way?

Heaven is A Place Where All Your Dreams Come True. Maybe This is Heaven.

Tonight, we watched thank you for smoking. I sat alone in a chair while Andrea and Eric snuggled on the couch and remembered when I saw it whith Kyle and watched them and felt utterly and completely alone. Thought about how I don't know if he even wants me anymore.
This Petrograd song from a mix cd Kathlyn gave me 3 years ago keeps coming on. "don't be afraid, he'll be back again. He will knock at your door louder than he ever did, than you have ever heard..."
Every time I hear it I cry or almost cry, because I don't know if he's gone, and if he is, I don't know if he's coming back. And I can't help but wonder, what did I do? What didn't I do? Where did we lose our way?

Christ. It's just scrabble.

And where the hell did my boyfriend go?

"What Kind of a Fuck Invented Unwaxed Floss?"

"...It causes so much bleeding...Phew! It's unflavored too... I don't mind unflavored as long as it's waxed...


Phew! That was an intense floss sesh*."

"Everything in this bin smells like bin. What a horrible smell!"

"Did I take my contact out? Yeah, I remember putting the effort in."

"This is a nice sweater... Look at the sleeve length! And it makes my boobs look nice... I'm not even wearing a bra! Look! This is a nipple!"

"Ew stop that!... See? This is what happens when you touch my with your feet- I poke you in the eye!"

-The wonderful girl that I spend most of my time with. It's like this most of the time.

Also, She has been naming the cats on catsinsinks.com .

*sesh: short for session.

She is back from the dead (er, Philadelphia)

SOOOZZZZZIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soon, There Will be Scrabble.

But right now I'm waiting for Andrea to finish making out with Eric.
The last two nights have been scary and confusing and wonderful all at the same time. Bloody but beautiful, if you will.
Sunday evening I went with Kyle to hang out with a friend of his (Nick) because it was his birthday. My momma dropped me off in a Little Ceasar's parking lot. Kyle got a pizza for himself because he likes to gross me out (plus he was hungry), and then we were on our way. Nick was already a little upset when we got into the car, but when we got to the house we were going to to pick up the girl Sarah he got worse.
Sarah was at a boy Eric's house. Kyle and Nick don't like Eric because he thinks he's 16. Eric will be turning 20 this year. Eric ditched out on Kyle and Nick because he decided he had to throw up. Sarah went with him.
When Nick got back to the house, Eric had invted a few folks over. Nick wasn't planning on hosting such a crowd, and Eric suggested that they just stay at his place.
Thus began the fullness of Nick's rage.
(side note: while nick was running in and out of the house, kyle and i were making out etc. in nick's car. did i mention it was nick's birthday? and his best friend is going at it in his car while he tries to get sarah to go with him. i know, we're horrible people.)
After Nick finally got back to the car with Sarah, we decided to grab coffee or something. Nick instructed Kyle to not get something caffeinated because Kyle was being himself. SO we drove and drove, and nick almost got us into an accident because he wasn't paying attention, and then we started looking for restaurants.
IHOP: closed.
Schoop's: closed.
This was when Nick decided to abort the evening. He wanted to take Sarah home. Sarah lives in the city. (So do I. I did not get offered a ride home.) He dropped Kyle and I off at a train station 15 minutes after the second to last train had left. The next train was at 11:50, and it was about 10. I was supposed to take that train.
We had an hour and 50 minutes. We started calling people, because the station we had been left at was very cold. Eventually we got a hold of Kellie and Kevin. Kelly and Kevin were about an hour away. So we waited, and they showed up. We drove to Kyle's house. After conversing with his parents and being fed, we all sat around for a long while. I missed my train.
Plan A: I would go to Kellie's and sleep on her futon. Kevin would drive me to the train in the morning.
We did not follow plan A.
Plan B: I go with to Kellie's, then Kevin would drive me back and Kyle and I would sit up for the train.
Eventually, it was 2 ae em. Kellie's mother called and yelled at her. They left, and Kyle and I climbed into bed for a few hours. I made my train, and stumbled into bed around 7 ae em. I managed to set the alarm for 1:30 before I drifted off.
At 3:10 pm I woke up. I dressed as fast as I could and ran outside. On the way to the train I called Rachel, the girl I was supposed to meet at 2, and let her know I was on my way. She told me that there was an L train to evanston as opposed to the metra I had planned to take. That saved time.
We went to this place called Cozy Noodles and Rice. Not Cosi, Cozy. A little thai place.
Whoa boy. Amazing. I had so much thai food. It was amazing. And it was beautiful to see Rachel again.
When I got back to my apartment, I realized that at some point i had started my period. I think. I don't know what it is but I've been bleeding even though I still have a week plus of pills.
Meg and Adam came and picked me up. Adam has a car, which is nice. He is very cute and sweet. We drove to Logan square, to a house that was painted and coming apart and was full of kids. They had a steamroller bigger than my forearm. I don't smoke pot, but it was an experience to watch people use it. Then we went to Adam's apartment, which was lovely. It was very clean and in Pilsen, possibly near where Kimmy lives. He gave Meg and I the grande tour and then he made me tea. Green tea and earl grey. Tasty.
Around then was when Andrea called me to say that she was back from mexico, and that I should get on a train. I had Adam drive me back with Meg (after I had finished the rest of my tea and spent a little more time sitting). Meg went back with him though.
Then I got ready to get o the train, and as it pulled up Andrea informed me that she was leaving for round the clock and that she wouldn't get me from the station.
I went to Kyle's. Spent a few hours in his bed. When it was time to leave, however, Andrea called the house. His parents woke up.
*Insert tension*
Kyle can get scary when he gets nervous and angry, and I get catatonic when he scares me. Eventually, after a lot of scared and nervous and catatonic, we left. And I made it to Andrea's house. And we slept. And I kept mistaking her for Kyle in the night, and then I would open my eyes and it was her and I would roll over.

Things I Don't Want To Make A List About:

1. The reasons I lay in bed for at least a half hour after I wake up for lack of desire to face the day.
2. My thoughts on college, registering, and options surrounding that.
3. Reasons I don't like being at home for extended periods of time.
4. Kyle.
5. Quitting smoking.
6. A new, high-fiber diet.
7. Goldman Sachs-mas-kah.
8. Bruises I have.
9. Things I wanted to do this week.
10. Things I actually did this week.
11. Cigarette brands/flavors I would like to try.
12. Movies.
13. What I ate today.

I need a cigarette after all those bad thoughts.... wasn't I quitting?

Before Things Were Put On Hold...

ONCE UPON A TIME...
there was a ship. it didn't have a bottom and there were holes in the sides. this didn't matter to the little girl in the blue dress. she took the ship under her arm and made it better. it was a toy ship, of course. made of plastic and wax. the sail was real canvas, and a previous owner had painted a picture of a tree on it. so she took up her paints and went to work. Lia made a beautiful sail and painted it a magnifecent brown. now all the kids would want to play with it and the growns up wanted to place it in a bottle. but she wouldn't let them. "No, it's my ship and i love it." answered Lia. eventually they left her alone. then one day she met a little kid who was four years old. all he had to play with were rocks and dirt. she felt sorry for him and decided to share her boat with him. he was so happy he began to cry. so Lia let him keep the boat. he smiled at her and said "thank you." she knew she had done a good thing. the boat was gone and all she had left were the memories. memories never die she thought to herself every night she saw that the wind was blowing and the water was clear. a good day to go sailing isn't it. one day she decided to climb the hill where the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and wildflowers lingered. she stood there looking over the town with her dress blowing freely in the wind and whispered "today is a brilliant day to fall in love all over again." so she walked to the village and watched the people do the things they did every day. the bakers baked, and the silversmiths refined silver. the old women chased their children and the younger ones ran from their lovers. she smiled and sighed. then she saw the boy. he was much older now, and had long since given the boat to another young girl. she thought he looked familiar but couldn't put her finger on where she had seen him before. he immediately recongnized her, for her face was ageless. he ran up to her and told her how he was a sailor now and had just bought his first real boat; he painted it blue. and she smiled because she had changed something for the better.

-the end
Love, Kathlyn and Anastasia (2004-ish)
(I miss that.)

Look! I'm Blinking With Fists!

Kyle has been drawing these eyes on my palms for the past few days, and today after he was done a held my hands out, palms facing him, and opened and closed them rapidly while exclaiming "Look! I'm blinking with fists!"
He didn't get it at first, but then he realized that that's the name of Billy Corgan from the smashing Pumpkins' book. Then he got mad.
The past few days have been this exhaustion-fueled mess of silliness and sex. Crazy.
Mike Zivat, a friend from high school, stopped by today on a whim. I had signed on line and he sent me an instant message saying "I'm coming over. where do you live again?"
Of course, right now I'm at my parents house. So he came here and we went to Kyle's house (with Winsty in tow) and watched a scanner darkly. Or tried to. It was a lot of fun and he told us all about the psychedelics he's been using. We ended up at crappy round the clock, but it was ok. The coffee was amazing.

Also! I'm going to Ikea in a few hours/tomorrow!

Exegesis: (n.) Exposition; Explanation.

That is today's word of the day. Happy new year, kids!

Yesterday I spent with Kyle. We went back to my apartment and, well, it was intense. I woke up this morning feeling like I had a hangover. No booze was involved, but it was intense. Everything is sore. I love it.

Today, Andrea's mother went nuts. Also intense. Andrea has to spend a week with this woman and it will most likely be hell. She threatened to chase Andrea down today. It was terrifying. I'm worried for when Andrea gets home, and also for the week that will follow.

Happy New Year, Kids!

(all two, possibly three of you!)
This year, to celebrate, I embraced radical feminism by making out with a girl!