this weekend was full of all 3 of these.
On friday, I woke up at about 10:30 to my mother calling. She was supposed to pick me up from Andrea's House at 10. By 11, I was home, redyeing my hair to make it pinker and yelling at her for making me miss my first train.
Kyle picked me up, we missed the second chance at the first train, and then I was off.
On the Electric Line into the city.
I got in at about 3:00. 3:00 is the time that my second train was supposed to leave. So I missed the first chance at the second train. I used that opportunity to get dressed and put on makeup. Then I walked to union station.
Ok, so the Electric line is about 10 minutes from my apartment. Union Station, however, is 20 minutes to a half hour (keep in m ind I walk everywhere). I forgot, and the train was supposed to be at 4:40 and I get there are 3:34. I had my ticket at 3:36, but I saw no signs of a 4:40 train. The next train was a l4:45, so I got on that one. Technically not a missed train, but close enough.
I spent a total of 2 and a half hours on the train. I have new sketches for another train painting because of a guy eating ice cream. Got to the station and Meg picked me up and we went to the show.
First band: Annoying.
Second band: the Digital Kill, wonderful.
Third band: Meg's band, Cyntext. Meg is hot and has a lovely voice. I don't dig metal but it was cool to watch her.
Fourth and fifth bands: Some other metal bands. I didn't watch them.
After Meg played I stood outside with some friends of hers. Lots of fun. They're great kids.
Eventually we went to Meg's house. Her house is very large. We had pizza and more hanging out, and eventually the three girls I had met went home and Meg, Kenzie and I went to sleep. That was about 1.
Early? Early for me.
Meg lives in Lake county. Lake county is the richest county in IL. That's why I felt so weird in Meg's house.
On the way home, I got to the first train on time. But I left my phone charger. So I got off at the next stop (which was luckily close) and went back to her house to get it. We watched part of a movie called space cowboys. It had Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones. I got on the train a second time and made it to Chicago. I then walked straight to the next station and Got on a train.
(This caused me to realize that I would love to be a beat.)
I got home to Kyle. Excepting one incident, it was a beautiful evening. He and Nick drove me to RTC.
The night progressed as usual from there.
Also! Kenny Sunshine called me twice on friday night! The first call was to ask if I was busy this week, and the second call was because he didn't know what day it was.
Adorable.
Also! Tonight is New Years Eve! Yay(?)
31 December 2006
28 December 2006
Something's Keeping Me Up When I Should Be Asleep.
*General Warning: This Entry is VERY Personal. But I Don't Believe in Private Entries.*
At least, it's keeping me up right now. And I can't get my mind off of it and that sucks because it's unimportant right now.
So I started taking birth control christmas eve. I'm on the pill now. The first pill I actually took at Kyle's house.
"Happy Christmas, darlin, I'm on the pill!"
I know that it takes about a month and a half to work. But the idea that now there's no chance for me to get pregnant kind of weirds me out. I was not trying to get pregnant in any sense. I do not really want to have a kid right now, considering that I still have my life to sort out. But I always felt that there was that chance, that escape hatch of an accidental pregnancy. I figured that if things got unbearable it was like a parachute.
Please don't think that I do't understand that pregnancy= child in a few months. And please don't think that I take having a kid lightly at all. This is just what I've been thinking in the past two hours since I started trying to sleep.
Part of me does want children. An even smaller part of me thinks that now is a good time for that, for whatever reason.
I guess I'm just kind of scared because while there are a million good things about being on the pill, that's not what I grew up hearing. My family is very religious so I heard things like "If you start taking birth control early, like when you're in your teens, then it can be really hard for you to have kids later on. And anyways, sex is strictly for marriage and anyone who has sex outside of marriage is a sinner, and you don't get married until you're out of college. So why be on birth control and make it harder for you to concieve when you aren't having sex anyways?"
It's a lot of bullshit. Except for the part about it being harder to conceive after you've been on birth control for a long time. That's true. The longer you're on the pill, the longer it takes for the effects to go away when you go off it.
Ok.
When I was at his house on christmas eve, he made a comment about us maybe being the 1%. You know, the couple that gets pregnant anyways? And between the look in his eyes and the way he phrased the sentence, I couldn't tell if he was hopeful that we might be, or dreading the 1% chance that we could be. He had his arms around me. I was too thankful for the moment's exsistence after the fight we had to question its meaning. That was possibly a mistake, because I don't know what he meant.
We can't afford a kid right now either. It isn't even in the question.
So why am I so caught up in it?
At least, it's keeping me up right now. And I can't get my mind off of it and that sucks because it's unimportant right now.
So I started taking birth control christmas eve. I'm on the pill now. The first pill I actually took at Kyle's house.
"Happy Christmas, darlin, I'm on the pill!"
I know that it takes about a month and a half to work. But the idea that now there's no chance for me to get pregnant kind of weirds me out. I was not trying to get pregnant in any sense. I do not really want to have a kid right now, considering that I still have my life to sort out. But I always felt that there was that chance, that escape hatch of an accidental pregnancy. I figured that if things got unbearable it was like a parachute.
Please don't think that I do't understand that pregnancy= child in a few months. And please don't think that I take having a kid lightly at all. This is just what I've been thinking in the past two hours since I started trying to sleep.
Part of me does want children. An even smaller part of me thinks that now is a good time for that, for whatever reason.
I guess I'm just kind of scared because while there are a million good things about being on the pill, that's not what I grew up hearing. My family is very religious so I heard things like "If you start taking birth control early, like when you're in your teens, then it can be really hard for you to have kids later on. And anyways, sex is strictly for marriage and anyone who has sex outside of marriage is a sinner, and you don't get married until you're out of college. So why be on birth control and make it harder for you to concieve when you aren't having sex anyways?"
It's a lot of bullshit. Except for the part about it being harder to conceive after you've been on birth control for a long time. That's true. The longer you're on the pill, the longer it takes for the effects to go away when you go off it.
Ok.
When I was at his house on christmas eve, he made a comment about us maybe being the 1%. You know, the couple that gets pregnant anyways? And between the look in his eyes and the way he phrased the sentence, I couldn't tell if he was hopeful that we might be, or dreading the 1% chance that we could be. He had his arms around me. I was too thankful for the moment's exsistence after the fight we had to question its meaning. That was possibly a mistake, because I don't know what he meant.
We can't afford a kid right now either. It isn't even in the question.
So why am I so caught up in it?
27 December 2006
Seman Is Sitting Across From Me.
Mike Seman, that is. It's been a crazy night, sort of.
We missed the first train pciking him up, so we went to starbucks. We were a sight, two punk rock boys, a gril wit a nose ring, and a girl with pink hair who seemed less uncomfortable than the rest of them. WInsty and Mike shared a 5 dollar sandwich. I bought Anrdea and I coffee.
(All this time our friend Vince was waiting for us at a train station downtown. He waited for a very long time.)
We got there and WInsty and Mike ran off to their ska show, and Andrea and I went to rescue VInce. Clyde was nice enough to let him in to my apartment even though he didn't have an ID. Then we went to get pizza.
Pizza was interesting. There was a yuppie family that made us very angry because they were very wasteful, and their children kept staring. Not until the end of the night did they speak to each other. The woman had a fannie pack. Our pizza took forever. We got a small deep dish because that was the most food that we could afford. Because it took so long, we ate parmesan cheese straight.
Eventually the pizza came and we each got two slices. By that time we were very hungry, so after the pizza we finished off the parmesan cheese. We didn't have the luxury of cookies like the yuppies did.
It was kind of fun to be so scummy.
Andrea and Vince went home to lansing after that.
Then I took a nap and woke up to let Winsty and Mike in.
We missed the first train pciking him up, so we went to starbucks. We were a sight, two punk rock boys, a gril wit a nose ring, and a girl with pink hair who seemed less uncomfortable than the rest of them. WInsty and Mike shared a 5 dollar sandwich. I bought Anrdea and I coffee.
(All this time our friend Vince was waiting for us at a train station downtown. He waited for a very long time.)
We got there and WInsty and Mike ran off to their ska show, and Andrea and I went to rescue VInce. Clyde was nice enough to let him in to my apartment even though he didn't have an ID. Then we went to get pizza.
Pizza was interesting. There was a yuppie family that made us very angry because they were very wasteful, and their children kept staring. Not until the end of the night did they speak to each other. The woman had a fannie pack. Our pizza took forever. We got a small deep dish because that was the most food that we could afford. Because it took so long, we ate parmesan cheese straight.
Eventually the pizza came and we each got two slices. By that time we were very hungry, so after the pizza we finished off the parmesan cheese. We didn't have the luxury of cookies like the yuppies did.
It was kind of fun to be so scummy.
Andrea and Vince went home to lansing after that.
Then I took a nap and woke up to let Winsty and Mike in.
23 December 2006
...And Then There's What Actually Happened.
I was on the phone with Kyle unil 5:30 ish ae em. We got back on the same page. It was this long conversation about Plato and the hell's angels and all of this other stuff. I didn't go visit him, on account of things changed at his house and I couldn't. We got it figured out in its own way though, and I remembered something I hadn't in a very long tme.
When I was young, I saw a tornado. Not on television, but a real one. In a field, across the road from the car I was sitting in. it was beautiful.
Also! on monday, when Katlyn and Kenny Sunshine came to visit, I saw a crazy woman on the way back from buying toilet paper. She directed me like traffic and once I walked past her, she began walking backwards away from me saying "hey white nigger" over and over and over. While white people are still scared of the crazy girl with pink hair, a lot of black people ave spoke with me like my hair was no big deal.
Coincidence? Of course.
When I was young, I saw a tornado. Not on television, but a real one. In a field, across the road from the car I was sitting in. it was beautiful.
Also! on monday, when Katlyn and Kenny Sunshine came to visit, I saw a crazy woman on the way back from buying toilet paper. She directed me like traffic and once I walked past her, she began walking backwards away from me saying "hey white nigger" over and over and over. While white people are still scared of the crazy girl with pink hair, a lot of black people ave spoke with me like my hair was no big deal.
Coincidence? Of course.
So Scummy...
It has been a very long time since I washed my hair. It is evident.
I've been communicating with Kyle through emails, meaning that he has been sending me emails and I have been reading them and sobbing. Every night, and every morning when I wake up. And at least once a day besides that usually.
But he decided that he wants to see me, that he wants to watch A Scanner Darkly with me tomorrow. I said yes.
Well, that's not the whole truth.
First I cried like the drunk sentimentalist that I was. Then I wrote him an email explaining how he was confusing me. Then He wrote me back and I cried some more. Then I wrote him back, explaining what this is doing to me, and telling him that I was going to think about it. Then I talked to Andrea and Brooke and Brooke's friend Tori, and we came to the decision that going and crying was better than staying away, crying, and regretting it horribly. Then I wrote him back an email sayng that I would watch it with him.
I dont know where we stand. I dont know what's going to happen tomorrow, aside form the fact that I am going to be a sobby mess.
----
Here are the various ways it could go:
1.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and we get on a good start. I'm a little sobby, but generally ok. we sit close and during the movie he starts kissing me etc. I start sobbing and freak out and he gets really upset and cries too. He drives me to a starbucks/Andrea's house/the train station and leaves me there, sobbing. He is very angry.
2.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and I immediately start sobbing. Hardcore. I sit as far away from him on the couch as possible and sob. We don't get to the movie. He gets angry and drops me off somewhere.
3.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and I immediately start sobbing. Hardcore. I sit as far away from him on the couch as possible and sob. He just sits there. We don't get to the movie. At some point, he asks if he can hold me. I reluctantly say yes. we sit. He eventually drops me off.
4.} I shoe up at his house/he picks me up, and it goes ok. I cry, a lot, but we watch the movie and end up just laying there, silent. holding each other. Eventually he drops me off.
---
I think it's going to be a mix of all of those. Hopefully not number 1. I don't need that. He says he's going to call me right now though. I'm so nervous. It's weird.
I've been communicating with Kyle through emails, meaning that he has been sending me emails and I have been reading them and sobbing. Every night, and every morning when I wake up. And at least once a day besides that usually.
But he decided that he wants to see me, that he wants to watch A Scanner Darkly with me tomorrow. I said yes.
Well, that's not the whole truth.
First I cried like the drunk sentimentalist that I was. Then I wrote him an email explaining how he was confusing me. Then He wrote me back and I cried some more. Then I wrote him back, explaining what this is doing to me, and telling him that I was going to think about it. Then I talked to Andrea and Brooke and Brooke's friend Tori, and we came to the decision that going and crying was better than staying away, crying, and regretting it horribly. Then I wrote him back an email sayng that I would watch it with him.
I dont know where we stand. I dont know what's going to happen tomorrow, aside form the fact that I am going to be a sobby mess.
----
Here are the various ways it could go:
1.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and we get on a good start. I'm a little sobby, but generally ok. we sit close and during the movie he starts kissing me etc. I start sobbing and freak out and he gets really upset and cries too. He drives me to a starbucks/Andrea's house/the train station and leaves me there, sobbing. He is very angry.
2.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and I immediately start sobbing. Hardcore. I sit as far away from him on the couch as possible and sob. We don't get to the movie. He gets angry and drops me off somewhere.
3.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and I immediately start sobbing. Hardcore. I sit as far away from him on the couch as possible and sob. He just sits there. We don't get to the movie. At some point, he asks if he can hold me. I reluctantly say yes. we sit. He eventually drops me off.
4.} I shoe up at his house/he picks me up, and it goes ok. I cry, a lot, but we watch the movie and end up just laying there, silent. holding each other. Eventually he drops me off.
---
I think it's going to be a mix of all of those. Hopefully not number 1. I don't need that. He says he's going to call me right now though. I'm so nervous. It's weird.
20 December 2006
For I am an Engine and I'm rolling on
The world is all bending and breaking from me
For sweetness alone who flew out through the window
And landed back home in a garden of green.
You're riding alone on the back of a steamer
And steaming yourself in the warm shower spray
And water rolls on off a round captain's belly
Who's talking to tigers from his cafeteria tray.
And sweet babies cry for the cool taste of milking
That milky delight that invited us all
And if there's a taste in this life more inviting
Then wake up our windows and watch as those sweet babies crawl away.
_NMH, Engine
The world is all bending and breaking from me
For sweetness alone who flew out through the window
And landed back home in a garden of green.
You're riding alone on the back of a steamer
And steaming yourself in the warm shower spray
And water rolls on off a round captain's belly
Who's talking to tigers from his cafeteria tray.
And sweet babies cry for the cool taste of milking
That milky delight that invited us all
And if there's a taste in this life more inviting
Then wake up our windows and watch as those sweet babies crawl away.
_NMH, Engine
Put A Small "x" Where I Lost My Way.
He said we needed to take a break for a few days, that he would call me.
You once told me that if we were to ever separate in any way you would never speak to me again. That is why I want to die.
If you never want to see me again, that's your decision, but don't do it like this.
I thought that we were on the right track, that we were headed in the right direction. I guess that I was wrong.
You once told me that if we were to ever separate in any way you would never speak to me again. That is why I want to die.
If you never want to see me again, that's your decision, but don't do it like this.
I thought that we were on the right track, that we were headed in the right direction. I guess that I was wrong.
19 December 2006
Beautiful Boys...
they now know I exist.
Today was full of them, with Kenny Sunshine in the daytime and Eric at night. Two boys that I idolized are now wanting to spend time with me and it's bizarre. Especially Ken. Eric wanted to spend time with Andrea and I started showing up, but Ken got a hold of me.
I have an unusual way of coping with that.
I was thinking about these beautiful boys and how now they are real, and it occurred to me that I never see beautiful boys anymore. Not like I used to. They used ot be everywhere. Now I see cute boys, but never the beautiful ones I used to.
And there was this song on Eric's ipod, a mewithoutyou song. Something about two pennies on a train track crushed into one and traps turning on their owners. That reminded me of my boy, the one I love so dearly. I really do. This fighting is stupid. I know it's going to take a while to fix, but I think I'm finally ready to take steps in the right direction.
It's part of living.
Today was full of them, with Kenny Sunshine in the daytime and Eric at night. Two boys that I idolized are now wanting to spend time with me and it's bizarre. Especially Ken. Eric wanted to spend time with Andrea and I started showing up, but Ken got a hold of me.
I have an unusual way of coping with that.
I was thinking about these beautiful boys and how now they are real, and it occurred to me that I never see beautiful boys anymore. Not like I used to. They used ot be everywhere. Now I see cute boys, but never the beautiful ones I used to.
And there was this song on Eric's ipod, a mewithoutyou song. Something about two pennies on a train track crushed into one and traps turning on their owners. That reminded me of my boy, the one I love so dearly. I really do. This fighting is stupid. I know it's going to take a while to fix, but I think I'm finally ready to take steps in the right direction.
It's part of living.
18 December 2006
I Just Did Something I've Never Done Before.
My roommates left a lot of milk in the fridge when they departed for home. I saw this and put it in my coffee (I'm not vegan but I do try and keep the animal byproduct consumption down). After pouring it into my coffee, I thought to look on the jug for the expriation date. I noticed that it's tomorrow. Then I did something I have never before in my life done.
I sniffed the milk to make sure it was ok.
I know, I know. no big deal. But it is to me, because I would always make my mom smell it. it was never bad because so may of us drank it, but I refused to sniff. I'm doing that on my own now. I'm growing up.
Also! Kathlyn and Ken stopped by today. It was lovely to see tem both again. Ken tried to assist with the tyoewriter repair, but ended up just pulling it apart. Kathlyn was herself and wrote "I can travel by jut unfolding a map!" on my fridge. I missed her. Too much. She better transfer and that's it.
I sniffed the milk to make sure it was ok.
I know, I know. no big deal. But it is to me, because I would always make my mom smell it. it was never bad because so may of us drank it, but I refused to sniff. I'm doing that on my own now. I'm growing up.
Also! Kathlyn and Ken stopped by today. It was lovely to see tem both again. Ken tried to assist with the tyoewriter repair, but ended up just pulling it apart. Kathlyn was herself and wrote "I can travel by jut unfolding a map!" on my fridge. I missed her. Too much. She better transfer and that's it.
17 December 2006
Guhbluh.
The recent all the time nausea has taken itself to all-new funtime levels! Woo!
LAst night we went to a loft party, Andrea and Julie and Eric Perez and I. It was more fun than anyone could guess. Afterward I had to convince the people at the front desk that Eric was my step-brother. He's half mexican and half puerto-rican. I am 1/4 austrian, 3/8 irish and the rest kind of english/hillbilly. Needless to say, we look nothing alike. We did it though.
I left them there when I went to the gynecologist appointment that was apparently for no reason.
oh yeah....
Pink.
LAst night we went to a loft party, Andrea and Julie and Eric Perez and I. It was more fun than anyone could guess. Afterward I had to convince the people at the front desk that Eric was my step-brother. He's half mexican and half puerto-rican. I am 1/4 austrian, 3/8 irish and the rest kind of english/hillbilly. Needless to say, we look nothing alike. We did it though.
I left them there when I went to the gynecologist appointment that was apparently for no reason.
oh yeah....
Pink.
15 December 2006
3 Things.
1. Now is the time to live.
2. I have no idea what I'm doing.
3. No one should ever sign emails as 'Ken'.
2. I have no idea what I'm doing.
3. No one should ever sign emails as 'Ken'.
14 December 2006
Today Was My First Helicopter Sighting In Chicago
A girl jumped in the subway. I was terrifed. Mainly it was because Andrea had mentioned possibly using the red line subway to go do stuff, but when I heard it was a jumper it made me more anxious.
Things have not been going to plan. And when I get the phone back, I'll rectify that. Something very important was missed.
Now I'm in Andrea's room. She's tuning her guitar and we're gonna sing Oh Comely.
Things have not been going to plan. And when I get the phone back, I'll rectify that. Something very important was missed.
Now I'm in Andrea's room. She's tuning her guitar and we're gonna sing Oh Comely.
11 December 2006
While On the Train...
A man behind me gave me a note, which read as follows:
I loved watching you "play" with your hair. *smilie face*. Nice color hair, by the way. You're very sexy!
*Hope I didn't offend you.
-Jason
708-259-0226
He gave it to me a few minutes before he left, and when I stopped playing with my hair he told me that he didn't intend for me to stop. Creepy.
I included his real phone number, so if anyone (er, there's only one person who reads this) feel like calling him up and telling him he's a creep, be my guest! I intend to memorize the number and give it to people when they ask for my number.
Ich.
I loved watching you "play" with your hair. *smilie face*. Nice color hair, by the way. You're very sexy!
*Hope I didn't offend you.
-Jason
708-259-0226
He gave it to me a few minutes before he left, and when I stopped playing with my hair he told me that he didn't intend for me to stop. Creepy.
I included his real phone number, so if anyone (er, there's only one person who reads this) feel like calling him up and telling him he's a creep, be my guest! I intend to memorize the number and give it to people when they ask for my number.
Ich.
10 December 2006
Upsetting? A Little.
I spent three years of my life dealing with overwhelming bitterness. The kind that makes you into someone who you do not want to be. So when he starts talking about bitterness being ok in any situation, I'm bound to be a little upset.
I'm not going to change my stance on bitterness being a horrble and dangerous thing because he decided it's ok. And I think he expects me to.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion because I am, for whatever reason, searching for a reason to be annoyed.
I don't know. But there are some things I've been missing and I think it all tracks back to one thing. But I'm not going to say anything about it. Because some things are necessary.
But not bitterness. It's never necessary.
Also! I may or may not have lost my notebook.
I'm not going to change my stance on bitterness being a horrble and dangerous thing because he decided it's ok. And I think he expects me to.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion because I am, for whatever reason, searching for a reason to be annoyed.
I don't know. But there are some things I've been missing and I think it all tracks back to one thing. But I'm not going to say anything about it. Because some things are necessary.
But not bitterness. It's never necessary.
Also! I may or may not have lost my notebook.
09 December 2006
08 December 2006
Tell Me What to Feel.
Tonight was the big christmas shindig. And we played that Jenga game they made up and I made out with a girl and Jeff gave me a hickey.
Among other things. I've only had a few hours sleep in a long time, because Matthew made me stay up with them, and I'm unsure as to how I should feel about that. He has one of my rings and I need to get it back soon. Strangely enough, all of this was in the plan. All of it.
Well, maybe not making out with Jori (although I certainly didn't mind) and Jeff giving me a hickey (although that was funny). I'm getting used to the game. Soon I'll actually be able to play it with them (as opposed to just being a participant when called on).
I'm having a Going For the Gold (bright eyes song) problem right now. And I'm thrilled.
Among other things. I've only had a few hours sleep in a long time, because Matthew made me stay up with them, and I'm unsure as to how I should feel about that. He has one of my rings and I need to get it back soon. Strangely enough, all of this was in the plan. All of it.
Well, maybe not making out with Jori (although I certainly didn't mind) and Jeff giving me a hickey (although that was funny). I'm getting used to the game. Soon I'll actually be able to play it with them (as opposed to just being a participant when called on).
I'm having a Going For the Gold (bright eyes song) problem right now. And I'm thrilled.
07 December 2006
The Difference Between my Roommats And I
They're making jello shots, I'm trying to take a shower because I'm unbelievably scummy.
They're cleaning, I'm leaving stuff places.
They're in the Christmas spirit, I'm the angel of death.
They're trying to be sophisticated, I'm trying to finish my sandwich.
It's been a long day.
They're cleaning, I'm leaving stuff places.
They're in the Christmas spirit, I'm the angel of death.
They're trying to be sophisticated, I'm trying to finish my sandwich.
It's been a long day.
05 December 2006
Stop Exaggerating.
So Michael isn't really mad at me. (no, not you, michael lovely.) He thought I was mad at him. Go figure, we're still in high school after all. I made drunken chaplain cookies today, and I can see my reflection in my stapler.
I do not know what I want from life. I do not know how I am going to get to sleep tonight. I do not know why my back has more pimples on it now than when i lived at home, even though I shower more now.
I do not know why I am in school when I could be going to learn to cut hair and doing something, albeit something stupid, with my life.
I have this exsistential crisis about once a week. I do not want to have this existential crisis any more. It's 3 ae em.
And I'm talking to a wall via text messages.
I do not know what I want from life. I do not know how I am going to get to sleep tonight. I do not know why my back has more pimples on it now than when i lived at home, even though I shower more now.
I do not know why I am in school when I could be going to learn to cut hair and doing something, albeit something stupid, with my life.
I have this exsistential crisis about once a week. I do not want to have this existential crisis any more. It's 3 ae em.
And I'm talking to a wall via text messages.
01 December 2006
I Want You To See What I'm Seeing,
Because what I'm seeing is pretty in a decaying way.
First snow living in this city. It was mostly hail, and I went out in it for the thursday trek to the Pick-Me-Up. Ow. Meg came with me this week, and that was nifty.
It's been a longer than usual week. but it is over, and now I have to make a cake for my dad. (It's his birthday tomorrow!)
First snow living in this city. It was mostly hail, and I went out in it for the thursday trek to the Pick-Me-Up. Ow. Meg came with me this week, and that was nifty.
It's been a longer than usual week. but it is over, and now I have to make a cake for my dad. (It's his birthday tomorrow!)
26 November 2006
These Dreams... Like the Ones I Used To Have.
Where people turn into other people and it's all a sepia-tinted mess.
Anyways.
I'll set this up like the six hours entries, because it's easier to follow that way.
Characters: Kathlyn, A dear old friend of mine; Ken, her older brother whom I have just recently come into contact with again; Their Father; Patrick, a boy from my high school whom I worry about constantly; Some assorted Army personnel; Jeff Mangum, Former lead singer of Neutral Milk Hotel and musical genius; and Anastasia, that's me.
Setting: A mess hall, a kitchen, and a victorian house. But not in that order.
I don't really have the whole dream for you, but here's what I can offer. Kathlyn appeared out of nowhere in a red car on a red cell phone. She called me and then came to get me. I got to this victorian house that was apparently where she lived. Her family was partially there, I saw her dad and Ken, her brother, and her dog (what was that dog's name? calico? I can't remember.) For whatever reason Kathlyn had to leave, so I was alone with Ken and their dad. I spent a siginificant amount of time talking with Ken about something, but I can't remember what. Then he went to go clean locker rooms with Patrick and another nameless person. I went to try and get free dinner from the mess hall. A general of some sort began harassing me, and I yelled at him. When someone else tried to chastise me, I explained that I wasn't in the army, I was just hungry, and walked into the locker rooms to find Ken. I couldn't locate him, but I did run into Patrick. I went into the kitchen and was just with their dad, and then Ken came back and told him the best way to keep from drowning was to keep both hands free. I walked outside and there was Ken, but he had taken on the appearance of Jeff Mangum. When I started talking to him, it became apparent that Ken had become Jeff Mangum. I could hardly keep calm- I was talking to Jeff Mangum!
Of course, we talked about Oh Comely. There were other things, but now that song has been in two dreams.
Also! When soymilk goes bad, it tastes like miso.
Anyways.
I'll set this up like the six hours entries, because it's easier to follow that way.
Characters: Kathlyn, A dear old friend of mine; Ken, her older brother whom I have just recently come into contact with again; Their Father; Patrick, a boy from my high school whom I worry about constantly; Some assorted Army personnel; Jeff Mangum, Former lead singer of Neutral Milk Hotel and musical genius; and Anastasia, that's me.
Setting: A mess hall, a kitchen, and a victorian house. But not in that order.
I don't really have the whole dream for you, but here's what I can offer. Kathlyn appeared out of nowhere in a red car on a red cell phone. She called me and then came to get me. I got to this victorian house that was apparently where she lived. Her family was partially there, I saw her dad and Ken, her brother, and her dog (what was that dog's name? calico? I can't remember.) For whatever reason Kathlyn had to leave, so I was alone with Ken and their dad. I spent a siginificant amount of time talking with Ken about something, but I can't remember what. Then he went to go clean locker rooms with Patrick and another nameless person. I went to try and get free dinner from the mess hall. A general of some sort began harassing me, and I yelled at him. When someone else tried to chastise me, I explained that I wasn't in the army, I was just hungry, and walked into the locker rooms to find Ken. I couldn't locate him, but I did run into Patrick. I went into the kitchen and was just with their dad, and then Ken came back and told him the best way to keep from drowning was to keep both hands free. I walked outside and there was Ken, but he had taken on the appearance of Jeff Mangum. When I started talking to him, it became apparent that Ken had become Jeff Mangum. I could hardly keep calm- I was talking to Jeff Mangum!
Of course, we talked about Oh Comely. There were other things, but now that song has been in two dreams.
Also! When soymilk goes bad, it tastes like miso.
24 November 2006
I am an immolation of praise...
... For that which I have.
That which I have being Kyle, mostly. I am so grateful that I can be there when he needs me.
He came with the thanksgiving and it was awesome because he liked my family and they liked him. And we groped each other on the way home.
Last night I spent 3 and a half hours with a boy named Eric. And it was a lot of fun. Not awkward at all, which is really cool because Andrea and I spent all of high school looking up to him like he was the god of pretty. We used him to murder what was left of our awkward. The only reason we left when we did was because I was sick. That sucked.
Now I am at Andrea's house and she's out with Chris. And my phone is dead. grr.
That which I have being Kyle, mostly. I am so grateful that I can be there when he needs me.
He came with the thanksgiving and it was awesome because he liked my family and they liked him. And we groped each other on the way home.
Last night I spent 3 and a half hours with a boy named Eric. And it was a lot of fun. Not awkward at all, which is really cool because Andrea and I spent all of high school looking up to him like he was the god of pretty. We used him to murder what was left of our awkward. The only reason we left when we did was because I was sick. That sucked.
Now I am at Andrea's house and she's out with Chris. And my phone is dead. grr.
20 November 2006
This Gogol Bordello Song... It's Chasing Me!
Called Start Wearing Purple. Won't leave me alone. Luckily, it's a good song.
Kyle is angry because he saw me post smoking. He needs to accept me for who I am now.
At this moment.
Because I can't get better than I am until he stops being angry at who I am now.
I don't even think it's anger... it's more disappointment. I'm trying to quit. Soon. But I don't even want to tell him in case I fail. I don't think I willfail though, I think I'm ready.
Regardless, I am here at Andrea's and enjoying myself. Doing more things that Kyle would disapprove of.
It's very cathartic and relaxing. I don't realize how much I miss her until she's back.
Kyle is angry because he saw me post smoking. He needs to accept me for who I am now.
At this moment.
Because I can't get better than I am until he stops being angry at who I am now.
I don't even think it's anger... it's more disappointment. I'm trying to quit. Soon. But I don't even want to tell him in case I fail. I don't think I willfail though, I think I'm ready.
Regardless, I am here at Andrea's and enjoying myself. Doing more things that Kyle would disapprove of.
It's very cathartic and relaxing. I don't realize how much I miss her until she's back.
Sometimes I Loathe My Lifestyle.
Other times, I really miss my kids. A lot.
Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to be with people. I know nothing has settled down and everythng is just as messy and idiotic as before, but I still love them. And frankly, I'm having Chicago-family cravings. I miss all of them.
The weekend was as pleasantly crazy as they get.
Winsty decided to come down at some point, so my plans to see Ubu were postponed. We went coat shopping for him, and eventually did locate the Wicker Park branch of Belmont Army. We only got lost three times!
The discovery of the snazzy coat lead to dinner at Earwax, where winston broke a bottle of hot sauce on my scarf. It still smells of tabasco.
(Also! We found Lady Sovereign masks on a wall and took them! Winsty wore his and talked with a british accent.)
When we got back Christina was here with her friend Jori. They were playing the new My Chemical Romance cd. After a few minutes, Christina's sister showed up and then we all went to see the windows. They were Mary Poppins-themed. Post-windows, we stood on a street corner and talked and skanked (the dance). Eventually we went back to the apartment. where we decided to go to the Pick-Me-Up again. So we put on a lot of makeup and we did. And Winston flashed some guy, and jori flashed the same guy, and eventually we made it home. then we trekked to the 24-hour Walgreens and got tapes and dye and makeup. And an Energy drink that didn't suck that much. When we finally made it back, it was around 4 ae em.
I then got a phone call from Andrea. Go figure.
Saturday I woke up at 11 to get on a 12:30 train to see Kyle. Eventually we went to where he works, and he went to work and I waited for Andrea to come pick me up. I was already tired. But I was up until 3. We saw the boys play in Jim's basement, went to Schoop's for fries and coffee ice cream, and then everybody congregatd in Andrea's basement. I realize that my life is a string of basements made of music.
Sunday was missing the first train to cath the second and arrive home minutes before Ubu started. it was hilarious and beautifully done. The DADAs would be proud. Then I made it back to the building in time for some sort of thanksgiving dinner. It was ok but it was free food.
Then I took a 6-hour nap and now I am awake. And I really miss my kids. A Lot. I want to hang out with them. But I'm still exhausted.
Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to be with people. I know nothing has settled down and everythng is just as messy and idiotic as before, but I still love them. And frankly, I'm having Chicago-family cravings. I miss all of them.
The weekend was as pleasantly crazy as they get.
Winsty decided to come down at some point, so my plans to see Ubu were postponed. We went coat shopping for him, and eventually did locate the Wicker Park branch of Belmont Army. We only got lost three times!
The discovery of the snazzy coat lead to dinner at Earwax, where winston broke a bottle of hot sauce on my scarf. It still smells of tabasco.
(Also! We found Lady Sovereign masks on a wall and took them! Winsty wore his and talked with a british accent.)
When we got back Christina was here with her friend Jori. They were playing the new My Chemical Romance cd. After a few minutes, Christina's sister showed up and then we all went to see the windows. They were Mary Poppins-themed. Post-windows, we stood on a street corner and talked and skanked (the dance). Eventually we went back to the apartment. where we decided to go to the Pick-Me-Up again. So we put on a lot of makeup and we did. And Winston flashed some guy, and jori flashed the same guy, and eventually we made it home. then we trekked to the 24-hour Walgreens and got tapes and dye and makeup. And an Energy drink that didn't suck that much. When we finally made it back, it was around 4 ae em.
I then got a phone call from Andrea. Go figure.
Saturday I woke up at 11 to get on a 12:30 train to see Kyle. Eventually we went to where he works, and he went to work and I waited for Andrea to come pick me up. I was already tired. But I was up until 3. We saw the boys play in Jim's basement, went to Schoop's for fries and coffee ice cream, and then everybody congregatd in Andrea's basement. I realize that my life is a string of basements made of music.
Sunday was missing the first train to cath the second and arrive home minutes before Ubu started. it was hilarious and beautifully done. The DADAs would be proud. Then I made it back to the building in time for some sort of thanksgiving dinner. It was ok but it was free food.
Then I took a 6-hour nap and now I am awake. And I really miss my kids. A Lot. I want to hang out with them. But I'm still exhausted.
15 November 2006
Quills
The thing about Quills is that it's a play I went to see tonight. In said play, one character (the marquis) is naked for most of the play.
The boy who played the marquis's name is Brandon, and he is in my horticulture class. That's tomorrow. And I was i the front row.
I have no problem with nudity in theatre. As an avid Sarah Kane fan, there's no way I could. Nudity, when used properly, is a very good thing in theatre. This was nudity used properly. My problm is that it's a little over half way through the semester and I have class with a boy who just spent a good part of 2 hours plus standing directly in front of me naked. Awkward,
Interestingly enough, he was the best actor in the whole thing.
The boy who played the marquis's name is Brandon, and he is in my horticulture class. That's tomorrow. And I was i the front row.
I have no problem with nudity in theatre. As an avid Sarah Kane fan, there's no way I could. Nudity, when used properly, is a very good thing in theatre. This was nudity used properly. My problm is that it's a little over half way through the semester and I have class with a boy who just spent a good part of 2 hours plus standing directly in front of me naked. Awkward,
Interestingly enough, he was the best actor in the whole thing.
14 November 2006
Adventures in Getting Lost Part 3
Today I got lost on the way to a kid from my actng class's house. His name is Catch. I'm gonna lend him Sarah Kane. I went down the wrong street twice but eventually made it there.
I like te house he has with three other guys a lot. It was nice. There was something taped over the toilet paper roll holder, it said smile and smoke or something like that. It was nifty.
They had PBR but I didn't partake, and on the way home I thought I should have, but then I was sick on the train and was happy I didn't.
I like te house he has with three other guys a lot. It was nice. There was something taped over the toilet paper roll holder, it said smile and smoke or something like that. It was nifty.
They had PBR but I didn't partake, and on the way home I thought I should have, but then I was sick on the train and was happy I didn't.
Whoa.
So much in so little time and I don't know whether to be terrified or thrilled at the course of events. So much has gone wrong, so much has gone right, and then one thing completely threw me for a loop. I don't know.
What I called player's lights were actually Player's "medium" Navy Cut. Unfiltered. Now I can't taste the parliaments. There's gotta be something wrong with that.
The decemberists were not as good as last year.
Last night was... i don't want to talk about it. suffice it to say that there was blood and i had a panic attack and Kyle missed his train.
Today i woke up to a call from my RA making sure that everything was ok. That was actually a pleasant way to wake up.
Also! Kenny, Kathlyn's older brother who is awesome, found me on facebook. Whoa.
What I called player's lights were actually Player's "medium" Navy Cut. Unfiltered. Now I can't taste the parliaments. There's gotta be something wrong with that.
The decemberists were not as good as last year.
Last night was... i don't want to talk about it. suffice it to say that there was blood and i had a panic attack and Kyle missed his train.
Today i woke up to a call from my RA making sure that everything was ok. That was actually a pleasant way to wake up.
Also! Kenny, Kathlyn's older brother who is awesome, found me on facebook. Whoa.
13 November 2006
Two Letters
One from the biggest intentional mistake I've ever made, and one from a dear old friend. That's life.
Some days it's like going insane, and other days I get letters from an emo queen and the ghost of christmas past.
The content of both were similar.
Which is odd.
Some days it's like going insane, and other days I get letters from an emo queen and the ghost of christmas past.
The content of both were similar.
Which is odd.
10 November 2006
From The Basement...
I'm back home in lansing, brought the laptop with me.
As always, it's good to be home. We went to Schoop's and we'll be going to Round the Clock soon.
And we got player's lights!
You Could Smell It In the Hallway.
The whole place reeked of pot. How stupid can you be, guys? They had the window open, but it was just blowing it into the hallway.
Needless to say, things are about to get even more interesting,
This really is a devil town. And they are all vampires.
Needless to say, things are about to get even more interesting,
This really is a devil town. And they are all vampires.
07 November 2006
The Main Reason For the Abundnce Of Posts.
Basically, I've stopped hanging out with everyone. I've stopped being sociable, stopped 'going out', whatever. I don't do it anymore for no particular reason. I just don't. Today my social interaction was limited to the people in my two tuesday classes, Mary, Christina (we went shopping for food), Emi sort of (we don't really talk much but it counts), and Eric (because he showed up at the room twice).
I just don't want to be a part of the rancor. It doesn't seem like anyone cares, so why should I? They don't miss me,
I can't say that I don't miss them but I couldn't live with the tension. Maybe it's clearing up. I don't hate anyone, no, I love them all. I'm just staying in. I need to clean anyways, right?
That's what I've been doing. Cleaning and smoking and playing mandolin and learning russian. Which is very hard.
Speaking of which, I should probably do one of those now. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, of which maybe one exsists, to decide which I end up doing for yourself.
I just don't want to be a part of the rancor. It doesn't seem like anyone cares, so why should I? They don't miss me,
I can't say that I don't miss them but I couldn't live with the tension. Maybe it's clearing up. I don't hate anyone, no, I love them all. I'm just staying in. I need to clean anyways, right?
That's what I've been doing. Cleaning and smoking and playing mandolin and learning russian. Which is very hard.
Speaking of which, I should probably do one of those now. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, of which maybe one exsists, to decide which I end up doing for yourself.
Last Night While Smoking a Cigarette...
A Marlboro light butt fell from the sky and hit my arm. I'm starting to think that I should list all strange things that happen to me while smoking in a seperate blog. Or possiby make a seperate blog for everything I eat that's under 5 dollars. Or at least start listing them all in here. Call it the poor kid special.
(Poor kid special: Today I had a free bagel for lunch.)
(Poor kid special: Today I had a free bagel for lunch.)
05 November 2006
Comment Ca Va?
So my french is good for something. I feel like less of an ugly american.
I just had a short conversation in french with some guy on the street. He asked for a cigarette, I gave him one and he spoke to me exclusively in french. It was nice.
I gave him my french name. Oh well. It was life affirming. Sign number 7? I think so.
I just had a short conversation in french with some guy on the street. He asked for a cigarette, I gave him one and he spoke to me exclusively in french. It was nice.
I gave him my french name. Oh well. It was life affirming. Sign number 7? I think so.
Guy Fawkes Day Means Nothing to Me.
I got lost on the bus again. This time I was headed to a girl from my design class, Chantel's house. I had been wating to meet her since orientation when that stupid boston guy got in the way, and when she showed up on my design class I was more than happy.
Last night she had a hot coco party. I was the only oe who showed up, but that was ok because a lot of fun was had. At least on my part. We made paper and had hot coco and talked and she leant me a play called "Rhinoceros".
How did I get lost on the bus this time? I missed my stop completely. On the way home the bus wouldn't stop for me, so I walked a few blocks until it did.
I got home and slept for a very long time.
I noticed today when getting out of the shower that I can see my ribs no matter how I'm standing. Not cool. I guess I lost all that weight I was shooting for and then 10 pounds or so. Eep.
Last night she had a hot coco party. I was the only oe who showed up, but that was ok because a lot of fun was had. At least on my part. We made paper and had hot coco and talked and she leant me a play called "Rhinoceros".
How did I get lost on the bus this time? I missed my stop completely. On the way home the bus wouldn't stop for me, so I walked a few blocks until it did.
I got home and slept for a very long time.
I noticed today when getting out of the shower that I can see my ribs no matter how I'm standing. Not cool. I guess I lost all that weight I was shooting for and then 10 pounds or so. Eep.
03 November 2006
What Do You Mean This is the End of the Line?
I went on an excursion with Mari and Ashley, two girls from my horticulture class.
First, we were going to see a band at Subterraneans. Then, we were going to see a show at the Abbey Pub. Then we ended up at the Pick-Me-Up Cafe.
Why not Subterraneans?
It ended up being 21 and over. None of us are 21.
Why not the Abbey Pub?
By the time we got to the L stop it was 10;15. The show was at 9. Then we got on a bus going the wrong way. He said he would tke us to the stp, but we decided that it wasn't worth it. We went back the the L stop and got back on the train.
Why the Pick-Me-Up?
Because the Pick-Me-Up is awesome. It's open until 3 on weekdays, all night on the weekends, and (as I found out) has killer cafe au laits. And cherry pie.
We sat and talked and had coffee and pie, Mari had a brownie. One of the best nights I've had in a while, for some reason. Maybe it was because the two are genuinely friendly, as opposed to the fam with their tensions. I honestly hope we can do it again sometimes.
Also! A man on the train was drinking kiwi mad dog 20/20, like the Elliot Smith song.
First, we were going to see a band at Subterraneans. Then, we were going to see a show at the Abbey Pub. Then we ended up at the Pick-Me-Up Cafe.
Why not Subterraneans?
It ended up being 21 and over. None of us are 21.
Why not the Abbey Pub?
By the time we got to the L stop it was 10;15. The show was at 9. Then we got on a bus going the wrong way. He said he would tke us to the stp, but we decided that it wasn't worth it. We went back the the L stop and got back on the train.
Why the Pick-Me-Up?
Because the Pick-Me-Up is awesome. It's open until 3 on weekdays, all night on the weekends, and (as I found out) has killer cafe au laits. And cherry pie.
We sat and talked and had coffee and pie, Mari had a brownie. One of the best nights I've had in a while, for some reason. Maybe it was because the two are genuinely friendly, as opposed to the fam with their tensions. I honestly hope we can do it again sometimes.
Also! A man on the train was drinking kiwi mad dog 20/20, like the Elliot Smith song.
02 November 2006
Assorted Halloweens and Weekends
Halloween for me started on saturday, when Winsty came up to visit. We had thai food, were amazed at how the George Diamond Fire could still need putting out, and watched The Excorcist. I decided that I wanted to come home with him and go to Round The Clock dressed up for Halloween. So that"s what we did.
I practiced Karen O and he practiced Alex from A Clockwork Orange. We met Jim there, and he brought this kid Adam with him. I met Adam the last time I went home. This time I learned that he knows everything. I was amazed.
It was beautiful to be back. I was forced into church the next day, and that wasn't so pretty, but it was this close to being worth it.
Monday brought Steve's death. Funeral Services will be pushed back until I'm not busy.
Tuesday was halloween, and I perfected the Karen O makeup and met another Adam. This one was Tom Waits and can play ukulele and accordion. Needless to say i fell head over heels in love with him instantly. Meg and Kenzie's part for jeremy was a lot of fun. And the family party (meaning the kids I normally hang out with) was a family party. Full of tension that no one speaks of and drinking, I love my family, and I love those parties because the strangest things happen and sometimes people I've never met show up.
So, Halloween was lovely.
Tonight in a few minutes I'm going to leave to go see a show with some girls from my horticulture class.Hopfully it will be awesome.
Tomorrow is opening night for Marian's play. I can wait but I have to go. That should be ok. I hope.
I practiced Karen O and he practiced Alex from A Clockwork Orange. We met Jim there, and he brought this kid Adam with him. I met Adam the last time I went home. This time I learned that he knows everything. I was amazed.
It was beautiful to be back. I was forced into church the next day, and that wasn't so pretty, but it was this close to being worth it.
Monday brought Steve's death. Funeral Services will be pushed back until I'm not busy.
Tuesday was halloween, and I perfected the Karen O makeup and met another Adam. This one was Tom Waits and can play ukulele and accordion. Needless to say i fell head over heels in love with him instantly. Meg and Kenzie's part for jeremy was a lot of fun. And the family party (meaning the kids I normally hang out with) was a family party. Full of tension that no one speaks of and drinking, I love my family, and I love those parties because the strangest things happen and sometimes people I've never met show up.
So, Halloween was lovely.
Tonight in a few minutes I'm going to leave to go see a show with some girls from my horticulture class.Hopfully it will be awesome.
Tomorrow is opening night for Marian's play. I can wait but I have to go. That should be ok. I hope.
31 October 2006
"I have this guilt and I don't know why"- Sarah Kane
I feel like running away.
Maybe I will, I don't know. But there's this lingering guilt over nothing and an urge to do what I had planned on from the beginning: couch hop. Maybe take up residence with Mike Robinson. I don't know.
Things feel like they're going away from what I wanted. I'm questioning the purpose of my being here. It seems like a waste of time and money. I don't see what I'm accomplishing taking classes that I neither need nor feel like I am actively participating in. I mean, I like to think I do my best, but it's not making sense right now.
It's halloween. I don't want to get out of a bed that I haven't even crawled into yet. I'm worried.
I think it's that paper I wrote about him. It is, for whatever reason, making me question my choices about everything. Don't get me wrong, I like it here, but i could be taking care of tings and actually preparing for whatever future I might have. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's that long conversation I had with that kid James tonight (I think that was his name). I don't know,
That is the exact problem. I don't know. I hit some sort of wall. And I really hope it stops here.
Maybe I will, I don't know. But there's this lingering guilt over nothing and an urge to do what I had planned on from the beginning: couch hop. Maybe take up residence with Mike Robinson. I don't know.
Things feel like they're going away from what I wanted. I'm questioning the purpose of my being here. It seems like a waste of time and money. I don't see what I'm accomplishing taking classes that I neither need nor feel like I am actively participating in. I mean, I like to think I do my best, but it's not making sense right now.
It's halloween. I don't want to get out of a bed that I haven't even crawled into yet. I'm worried.
I think it's that paper I wrote about him. It is, for whatever reason, making me question my choices about everything. Don't get me wrong, I like it here, but i could be taking care of tings and actually preparing for whatever future I might have. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's that long conversation I had with that kid James tonight (I think that was his name). I don't know,
That is the exact problem. I don't know. I hit some sort of wall. And I really hope it stops here.
26 October 2006
Nightmares
Today when I took a nap I had a nightmare, as I usually do when I sleep during the day in my bed. There were corpses and people eating said corpses and this fire. I was in a burning building. I knew I was going to die and I was surrounded by people who were going to eat my charred flesh if they didn't go first.
I woke up unafraid. I woke up jealous of my sleeping self, the girl in the fire. I wanted to go back.
On the L ride hme from horticulure it hit me why.
This, my waking life, is the nightmare. That was nothing. I was in need f that escape so badly when it came as death it didn't hurt. The L ride there involved power outages. I couldn't find the painting for Kyle and I think he thinks I just didn't look hard enough. I searched the entire museum for that painting and didn't find it. It's raining and I don't know where my umbrella is.
That building is still burning. We have some sort of powder keg with our friends and it's going to blow up soon, My key card was deactivated. I have slept two hours in the past 24, and have eaten nothing but a half piece of pizza that i picked apart anyways and candy and coffee and cigarettes.
I don't understand.
And I'm sincerely worried about Michael. I saw him while walking back to the apartment, head down and ipod on. I tried to say hello, but he didn't respond. I practically stuck my head under his umbrella. Nothing. So I sent him a text message asing him how he was doing and got no response. Christ. I don't know what to do, the wall is getting thicker. I'm less than a year or so removed from the other side of that same wall. I used to know. Part of me wants to go back, just to get through to him and understand what he's going through.
I'm lost.
I woke up unafraid. I woke up jealous of my sleeping self, the girl in the fire. I wanted to go back.
On the L ride hme from horticulure it hit me why.
This, my waking life, is the nightmare. That was nothing. I was in need f that escape so badly when it came as death it didn't hurt. The L ride there involved power outages. I couldn't find the painting for Kyle and I think he thinks I just didn't look hard enough. I searched the entire museum for that painting and didn't find it. It's raining and I don't know where my umbrella is.
That building is still burning. We have some sort of powder keg with our friends and it's going to blow up soon, My key card was deactivated. I have slept two hours in the past 24, and have eaten nothing but a half piece of pizza that i picked apart anyways and candy and coffee and cigarettes.
I don't understand.
And I'm sincerely worried about Michael. I saw him while walking back to the apartment, head down and ipod on. I tried to say hello, but he didn't respond. I practically stuck my head under his umbrella. Nothing. So I sent him a text message asing him how he was doing and got no response. Christ. I don't know what to do, the wall is getting thicker. I'm less than a year or so removed from the other side of that same wall. I used to know. Part of me wants to go back, just to get through to him and understand what he's going through.
I'm lost.
This Was My Night. I Don't Know How I Feel About That.
Amy: I really should be doing my homework. Or at least showering.
Steve: Go then.
A: But I cant, I need to stay with you two, I need to talk or ill go crazy.
Dave: Why do you think we haven’t left yet? It’s 6 am; all of us have school in a few hours. And all of us have homework we haven’t done.
S: I don’t have homework.
D: Yes you do, you just don’t do it.
S: Point taken.
A: Where were we, anyways?
D: The same place we've been all night, the meaning of life, the nature of love, and obnoxious small talk that none of us can stand.
S: I don’t understand why this is so important. We all know the meaning of life, and the nature of love has nothing to do with genes, and...
D: Shut up! This has nothing to do with anything! You know very well that we weren’t talking about what these things are!
A: Please, don’t yell. Steve, if you want to, you can leave. You could’ve left a while ago.
S: No I can’t. I am just as bound to this as you are.
A: We need to resolve this- until I am reconciled I cannot rest. None of us will be able to do anything until we have reconciled this mess- not just to one another but for good.
D: We will not be happy.
S: We will be stressed about something important.
A: Christ! We are so stupid! It’s like a fortune cookie! The nature of love is to act. We’ve known this from the start.
S: Then why are we still here?
A: Can't you see? This isn’t about life, or love, or any of that. This is about death and lies.
D: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
S: Oh... (pause.) there's only one way to find out...
All 3: CURTAIN! ---
The point is, long conversations into the ae ems that end in no resolution equal words on a page equal there is the drama. Nobody knows quite what to do. But we're working on it. and while I should be sleeping I had to put this in a more visible place.
I wrote that my sophomore year of high school and I just lived it. And I'm going to keep living it, for a while at least.
I am ready and willing, but I hope we can figure it out. There might be some insight into what's going on in there. I hope.
Steve: Go then.
A: But I cant, I need to stay with you two, I need to talk or ill go crazy.
Dave: Why do you think we haven’t left yet? It’s 6 am; all of us have school in a few hours. And all of us have homework we haven’t done.
S: I don’t have homework.
D: Yes you do, you just don’t do it.
S: Point taken.
A: Where were we, anyways?
D: The same place we've been all night, the meaning of life, the nature of love, and obnoxious small talk that none of us can stand.
S: I don’t understand why this is so important. We all know the meaning of life, and the nature of love has nothing to do with genes, and...
D: Shut up! This has nothing to do with anything! You know very well that we weren’t talking about what these things are!
A: Please, don’t yell. Steve, if you want to, you can leave. You could’ve left a while ago.
S: No I can’t. I am just as bound to this as you are.
A: We need to resolve this- until I am reconciled I cannot rest. None of us will be able to do anything until we have reconciled this mess- not just to one another but for good.
D: We will not be happy.
S: We will be stressed about something important.
A: Christ! We are so stupid! It’s like a fortune cookie! The nature of love is to act. We’ve known this from the start.
S: Then why are we still here?
A: Can't you see? This isn’t about life, or love, or any of that. This is about death and lies.
D: Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
S: Oh... (pause.) there's only one way to find out...
All 3: CURTAIN! ---
The point is, long conversations into the ae ems that end in no resolution equal words on a page equal there is the drama. Nobody knows quite what to do. But we're working on it. and while I should be sleeping I had to put this in a more visible place.
I wrote that my sophomore year of high school and I just lived it. And I'm going to keep living it, for a while at least.
I am ready and willing, but I hope we can figure it out. There might be some insight into what's going on in there. I hope.
Fire Makes You Friendly.
For the record, it was STILL burning at 9PM tonight. I guess it's out now and they're tearing it down.
I met three new people tonight while smoking.
There was Chelsea, who was very very drunk and friendly, and it turns out she lives down the hall, Marie, who lives down few floors and was interested in my horticulture class, and that other guy whose name was Jonathan or something like that. He took a year off.
I also finally met Kevin, Kyle's friend, at the art club halloween party. He reminded me of something I couldn't put my finger on. I"ve been filming random stuff all day, like the train conductor on the way to Kyle.
Right now I wanted to go to bed, but there's stuff on my bed. So I'm thinking I'll take it as a sign that I should go make some coffee instead.
I met three new people tonight while smoking.
There was Chelsea, who was very very drunk and friendly, and it turns out she lives down the hall, Marie, who lives down few floors and was interested in my horticulture class, and that other guy whose name was Jonathan or something like that. He took a year off.
I also finally met Kevin, Kyle's friend, at the art club halloween party. He reminded me of something I couldn't put my finger on. I"ve been filming random stuff all day, like the train conductor on the way to Kyle.
Right now I wanted to go to bed, but there's stuff on my bed. So I'm thinking I'll take it as a sign that I should go make some coffee instead.
25 October 2006
This One Goes Out To The One I Love...
Fire!
I woke up from my nap at 3:30 today. 3:36 I get a call from my dad making sure I was ok because there was a fire. This was the first I had heard about it. George Diamond's, the abandoned steakhouse, is still burning. It started at 3:00 pm and 12 hours later is still going on. Nuts, huh?
I got those pictures on the way to my class, which was sadly not canceled. Abut 15 miutes after we got there Kyle called and I didn't answer. So he called back. When I listened to the voicemails he sounded very upset.
He was worried about me, silly boy. I suppose I can't do much about that, though. He sould know better. Actually, I should have called. I was going to but then I couldn't hear my phone and then I forgot. That was wrong of me, to let him worry. And every time I mention the fire he asks me not to talk about it.
I can't help but wonder what's up. And he really wants me t come home tomorrow. Maybe because in his mind I almost died. I don't want to go, but I think I have to. I don't really have the money for the ticket. Oh well.
23 October 2006
Today...
I fell flat on my stomach after tripping over the sidewalk and my feet. On top of my laptop. At a busy-ish intersection.
Some asian guy who could barely speak english followed me and gave me back my cell phone. It had fallen out of my pocket and I didn't notice.
Sign number 6.
(Incidentally, my laptop was ok and I didn't even miss my train.)
Some asian guy who could barely speak english followed me and gave me back my cell phone. It had fallen out of my pocket and I didn't notice.
Sign number 6.
(Incidentally, my laptop was ok and I didn't even miss my train.)
Oh, the Signs and Wonders I Am Witness To!
Both yesterday and today. Yesterday had a full entry, so it's today that I will focus on. and one thing from yesterday that I didn't know had a purpose.
Sign number 1: I finished the first song ever that I did completely by myself. I wrote the music and everything! This isn't a big deal to most people, but I had a problem with writing music for a long time. That's what Andrea was mostly for. So I have rendered her almost completely obsolete. Except for the friendship part. The song is very sad and unintentionally so. I still don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I've got a bunch of stuff I've been sitting on and now that I feel musically competent, I'm going to write all of that. Like the mail order bride project. That needs to be done.
Sign number 2: I have my period for the fourth time in 8 weeks. I got it yesterday. That seems like more of an inconvenience than a sign, but it relates to sign number 3.
Sign number 3: Today I was at Kyle's. Because of my period, we just watched a movie, so when his parents got home three hours early we were just sitting there (that is the full extent of sign number 2). I had to get out, so we called a friend of his who was supposed ot be over later. He wasn't busy and was there promptly. Long story short, I ended up climbing out of Kyle's bedroom window, scurring to our friend's car and hiding in the backseat until he drove me to the train station. We had a nice conversation when we got there, waiting. Neither of Kyle's parents noticed.
Sign number 4: Meg had a videocamera. I desperately needed one and now I have one on lend. For my NMS project. Now I just need the other half of the idea.
Sign number 5: I went down to Michael/Jeffrey/Claire/etc.'s room and had a life affirming experience. I go down there because I want to and I like to, and I sit with Michael. I like to keep him company, we have great little conversations and music stuff, but sometimes it feels like that line from that Bright Eyes song, It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends. "I'm only here so you're not alone". Don't take that in the wrong way, dear reader, I'm not doing it out of some sense of duty, or like MIchael needs to be watched, but a lot of the time I just sit with him in silence. I love that. Because we both are not alone.
Recently, life has been a struggle with the hormones I've been dealing with. There are days when I feel like I did last year, and some even like what I felt sophomore and junior years of high school. Those were the worst years, especially sophomore year. Those are the worst days now. Some days I don't want to move. I do move, though, and I think that a really big step for me in dealing with all of this is that I understand that it's the fact that I've had period level hormones for about two months now. I understand that it's not the way I am, it's the way my messed-up body cycle is making me. Now, this is different from when I was in therapy, whether the therapy was cutting or drinking or going to that psychologist, because then it wasn't just hormones. I know that I still have that in me somewhere, but I think that this incident with the two months of period will eventually help me deal with what's really wrong with me, if that ever rears its ugly head again.
Also! Kyle and I were watching The Devil and Daniel Johnston, a movie about Daniel Johnston, and Daniel thinks/thought he was condemned to hell. This was kind of scary because last year's collapse was focused on the idea that I had been condemned to hell. Which leads me to believe that that was a major scale mental breakdown last november.
Also! Why am I writing about this? Nobody reads this, and the people who do don't care about my crazy!
Sign number 1: I finished the first song ever that I did completely by myself. I wrote the music and everything! This isn't a big deal to most people, but I had a problem with writing music for a long time. That's what Andrea was mostly for. So I have rendered her almost completely obsolete. Except for the friendship part. The song is very sad and unintentionally so. I still don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I've got a bunch of stuff I've been sitting on and now that I feel musically competent, I'm going to write all of that. Like the mail order bride project. That needs to be done.
Sign number 2: I have my period for the fourth time in 8 weeks. I got it yesterday. That seems like more of an inconvenience than a sign, but it relates to sign number 3.
Sign number 3: Today I was at Kyle's. Because of my period, we just watched a movie, so when his parents got home three hours early we were just sitting there (that is the full extent of sign number 2). I had to get out, so we called a friend of his who was supposed ot be over later. He wasn't busy and was there promptly. Long story short, I ended up climbing out of Kyle's bedroom window, scurring to our friend's car and hiding in the backseat until he drove me to the train station. We had a nice conversation when we got there, waiting. Neither of Kyle's parents noticed.
Sign number 4: Meg had a videocamera. I desperately needed one and now I have one on lend. For my NMS project. Now I just need the other half of the idea.
Sign number 5: I went down to Michael/Jeffrey/Claire/etc.'s room and had a life affirming experience. I go down there because I want to and I like to, and I sit with Michael. I like to keep him company, we have great little conversations and music stuff, but sometimes it feels like that line from that Bright Eyes song, It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends. "I'm only here so you're not alone". Don't take that in the wrong way, dear reader, I'm not doing it out of some sense of duty, or like MIchael needs to be watched, but a lot of the time I just sit with him in silence. I love that. Because we both are not alone.
Recently, life has been a struggle with the hormones I've been dealing with. There are days when I feel like I did last year, and some even like what I felt sophomore and junior years of high school. Those were the worst years, especially sophomore year. Those are the worst days now. Some days I don't want to move. I do move, though, and I think that a really big step for me in dealing with all of this is that I understand that it's the fact that I've had period level hormones for about two months now. I understand that it's not the way I am, it's the way my messed-up body cycle is making me. Now, this is different from when I was in therapy, whether the therapy was cutting or drinking or going to that psychologist, because then it wasn't just hormones. I know that I still have that in me somewhere, but I think that this incident with the two months of period will eventually help me deal with what's really wrong with me, if that ever rears its ugly head again.
Also! Kyle and I were watching The Devil and Daniel Johnston, a movie about Daniel Johnston, and Daniel thinks/thought he was condemned to hell. This was kind of scary because last year's collapse was focused on the idea that I had been condemned to hell. Which leads me to believe that that was a major scale mental breakdown last november.
Also! Why am I writing about this? Nobody reads this, and the people who do don't care about my crazy!
21 October 2006
like slow sex, or the inside of clouds
Soft Soft Silver Bang, that is.
the band that they made in a month out of several of my friends who play music. Tonight was the show after so many frantic practices and hours into the night spent screen printing and button making.
Tonight was the show. And it was wonderful.
I woke up at 9 to matthew coming for his U-pass. Then when I woke up at noon, I headed out. God was on the subway. I was listening to songs:ohia and thinking about how nice some sort of sign would be, for no reason whatsoever, and I got off the train and this guy just pointed me in the right direction. I hadn't said a word to him but he somehow knew which was I had to go.
This was exciting.
I got there and Jeremy and I finished putting the merch together, there were pins to put on cards and t-shirts to roll, and we killed it in very little time. The band that was on stage sucked. After a few more bad bands (including the 'old-school fusion' band, which was neither old school nor fusion) we headed to dunkin. Matthew got a phone call from his girlfriend about his parents searching his room. it went downhill for a little while but then it came back up eventually. However, when we got back from dunkin I discovered that I had started my period.
Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal. However, this time it is the 4th time in 8 weeks. Not cool. I need to see a doctor about this because it's getting ridiculous.
I made some frantic phone calls and then went back inside. I'm still really worried about it, but that's ok. I know there's something wrong with me, but it will get fixed.
Somehow an inordinate amount of time had passed, and we were all starving. We went to a diner that wasn't supposed to exsist, and the waitress was the sweetest thing ever and paid for our food. God sighting number 2.
We went back and did some stuff, and set up the merch table. I proved myself as merch girl, I think anyways. Sold 5 or 6 t-shirts and 11 sets of pins, I guess. It's their first show.
When some stupid band used duct tape to tape up their sign and ripped paint off of the wall, all the merch booths got kicked out. I didn't have a car to go to, so instead I went and stood under a narrow awning across the street. In the rain. I had no problem with that whatsoever. I talked politely to the people who were working at the theatre and was very respectful. The one guy told me to bring an umbrella. It was a little damp but I sold some more stuff. Then we went home. I am in my apartment, alone because a large part of me didn't want to go to Jeffrey's brother's party. and the other part of me is sick. So I'm trying to sleep. but it's not happening. So I don't kow what I'm going to do.
Now that all of the drive for the show is gone and I'm alone, I'm starting to worry about the whole 4 tims in 8 weeks thing again. So it's making it hard to sleep because I could be very broken. Or, I could be not broken at all, but my mind leans toward very broken.
the band that they made in a month out of several of my friends who play music. Tonight was the show after so many frantic practices and hours into the night spent screen printing and button making.
Tonight was the show. And it was wonderful.
I woke up at 9 to matthew coming for his U-pass. Then when I woke up at noon, I headed out. God was on the subway. I was listening to songs:ohia and thinking about how nice some sort of sign would be, for no reason whatsoever, and I got off the train and this guy just pointed me in the right direction. I hadn't said a word to him but he somehow knew which was I had to go.
This was exciting.
I got there and Jeremy and I finished putting the merch together, there were pins to put on cards and t-shirts to roll, and we killed it in very little time. The band that was on stage sucked. After a few more bad bands (including the 'old-school fusion' band, which was neither old school nor fusion) we headed to dunkin. Matthew got a phone call from his girlfriend about his parents searching his room. it went downhill for a little while but then it came back up eventually. However, when we got back from dunkin I discovered that I had started my period.
Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal. However, this time it is the 4th time in 8 weeks. Not cool. I need to see a doctor about this because it's getting ridiculous.
I made some frantic phone calls and then went back inside. I'm still really worried about it, but that's ok. I know there's something wrong with me, but it will get fixed.
Somehow an inordinate amount of time had passed, and we were all starving. We went to a diner that wasn't supposed to exsist, and the waitress was the sweetest thing ever and paid for our food. God sighting number 2.
We went back and did some stuff, and set up the merch table. I proved myself as merch girl, I think anyways. Sold 5 or 6 t-shirts and 11 sets of pins, I guess. It's their first show.
When some stupid band used duct tape to tape up their sign and ripped paint off of the wall, all the merch booths got kicked out. I didn't have a car to go to, so instead I went and stood under a narrow awning across the street. In the rain. I had no problem with that whatsoever. I talked politely to the people who were working at the theatre and was very respectful. The one guy told me to bring an umbrella. It was a little damp but I sold some more stuff. Then we went home. I am in my apartment, alone because a large part of me didn't want to go to Jeffrey's brother's party. and the other part of me is sick. So I'm trying to sleep. but it's not happening. So I don't kow what I'm going to do.
Now that all of the drive for the show is gone and I'm alone, I'm starting to worry about the whole 4 tims in 8 weeks thing again. So it's making it hard to sleep because I could be very broken. Or, I could be not broken at all, but my mind leans toward very broken.
19 October 2006
Sidewalk Monsters are on the rise- Look Out!
Theyre coming for you too.
Some of them are parallels to shades of white and grey, some share a name with me and stay up all night.
But they're coming for us.
I don't know what else can be done but to idetify them, they sneak up on you and youre left with seconds to fight.
Nobody sees them coming. And everyone needs to be protected. But there's nothing to protect us.
Where did the 'melt' guy go?
HE was doing a good job.
Some of them are parallels to shades of white and grey, some share a name with me and stay up all night.
But they're coming for us.
I don't know what else can be done but to idetify them, they sneak up on you and youre left with seconds to fight.
Nobody sees them coming. And everyone needs to be protected. But there's nothing to protect us.
Where did the 'melt' guy go?
HE was doing a good job.
12 October 2006
This is Steve. He was nice enough to swim around to the front of his bowl for the photo.
Steve came into my life last saturday, where I mentioned him in passing. He's slowly becoming my best friend. He's anorexic and hyperactive and nocturnal. In other words, he fits right in.
I never like pets, or animals in general but last saturday I was compelled to spend the 12 cents on him and it was the right decision. I don't know why.
He's slowly warming up to me, mainly because every time I walk past him I stare at him and yell "HI STEVE" in a high pitched voice a few times. They say that fish can be trained to recognize their owners.
Really, Steve belongs to all of us. But I get to keep him.
A Day in Reverse and Thoughts Forwards
I'll start off with what I just ate.
That being plums with shredded mozzarella, cayenne pepper, parsley and cinnamon over pasta. It was really really good. Cigarette good but I'm stuck for the night.
Before that I uploaded songs ot the computer, put away clothes and books I brought back.
Before that I took a shower.
Before that I saw everyone in the elevator.
Before that I got off the train.
Before that I spent some time with my family.
Before that I screwed my boyfriend in the back of his car in a cemetary when we realized I wasn't bleeding from the crotch.
Before that I got picked up from the train station by Kyle (my boyfriend).
Before that I got on an early train.
Before that I was let out of class early because of a fire drill.
Before that I barely made it to class.
Before that I didn't want to get out of bed.
Before that it was a pity part in Michael's room and many comforts.
Before that it was my third period in 7 weeks.
Before that Mary didn't get called by anyone and that was depressing.
Before that Matthew tried to get me to drink with him.
Before that I felt funny during the acting thing.
This is how my day got progressively better.
Just flip it upside down.
Thoughts? I want to be able to sleep.
Also! I feel like I need to take care of Mary, but at the same time I already was a hermit and am sick of that.
Also! I want to be social, because I miss people.
Also! I saw my picture in an ad in a mall.
Also! I love Kyle. He makes me go from horrible to ownderful in minutes, and then we can do other things besides mope.
That being plums with shredded mozzarella, cayenne pepper, parsley and cinnamon over pasta. It was really really good. Cigarette good but I'm stuck for the night.
Before that I uploaded songs ot the computer, put away clothes and books I brought back.
Before that I took a shower.
Before that I saw everyone in the elevator.
Before that I got off the train.
Before that I spent some time with my family.
Before that I screwed my boyfriend in the back of his car in a cemetary when we realized I wasn't bleeding from the crotch.
Before that I got picked up from the train station by Kyle (my boyfriend).
Before that I got on an early train.
Before that I was let out of class early because of a fire drill.
Before that I barely made it to class.
Before that I didn't want to get out of bed.
Before that it was a pity part in Michael's room and many comforts.
Before that it was my third period in 7 weeks.
Before that Mary didn't get called by anyone and that was depressing.
Before that Matthew tried to get me to drink with him.
Before that I felt funny during the acting thing.
This is how my day got progressively better.
Just flip it upside down.
Thoughts? I want to be able to sleep.
Also! I feel like I need to take care of Mary, but at the same time I already was a hermit and am sick of that.
Also! I want to be social, because I miss people.
Also! I saw my picture in an ad in a mall.
Also! I love Kyle. He makes me go from horrible to ownderful in minutes, and then we can do other things besides mope.
10 October 2006
Scariest Bathroom Experience Ever.
So I'm at my dad's office, as I often am after class, and I realize I need to use the washroom.
I proceed to the washroom, choose a stall, and go in to use it.
No sooner than I sit down do I hear someone stomping in. She bulldozes into the stall directly next to mine and slams her stall door so hard that mine jars open.
Needless to say, I was too scared to pee.
I waited for about 40 seconds, and she stormed back out.
Terrifying.
I proceed to the washroom, choose a stall, and go in to use it.
No sooner than I sit down do I hear someone stomping in. She bulldozes into the stall directly next to mine and slams her stall door so hard that mine jars open.
Needless to say, I was too scared to pee.
I waited for about 40 seconds, and she stormed back out.
Terrifying.
07 October 2006
Yeah, A Lot Has Happened.
But there are only a few good (albeit very good) points.
Jenny Lewis: was amazing. The show easily topped when I saw her in the spring, and Kyle came with me. I spnt the entire second half of the day with him and it was amazing in mor ways than one. But I won't go into details of the other part. This is not smut.
The entire show was a lot more plugged in than spring. They revamped run devil run into a doo-wop song, which was incredible, and they played a few new songs. At one point they ran backstage and came out in different dresses, covered in sequins. Johnathan Rice introduced them like a vegas act. We went to Clarke's afterwards. Tasty. And I'm just so happy that Kyle could come with.
Also! I love the way lipstick rings look on the end of a cigarette.
Andrea and Julie: came over after their minus the bear show. They spooned in my bed. Mary didn't get angry when she found me curled up in hers under the sofa afghan. I love Mary. We went to Wicker Park the next day and I got two shirts and remembered the Okerville River show tomorrow. We then headed home on the train to Lansing.
Also! We almost missed our train. And also almost missed the L.
Also! I saw the kids from the last time I went down to Wicker Park. Julie christened them the stink punks. I am so in love with them.
Lansing: is where my home is, I guess. It was nice to be home. We went to Andrea's house, where I lived over the summer, and after Andrea dyed her hair and I made a soft soft silver bang shirt (It's green and awesome) we went to Schoop's.
Also! Mary Kate, a friend of ours, cut all of her hair off.
Also! Andrea's house smelled different.
Schoop's: has new menus and new hours. The smoke shop next to Schoop's also have new hours. Schoop's is open later and the smoke shop closes earlier. I paid and it was weird. At the same time it was nice to be home.
Round the Clock: New cups. Same people. But it was obviously not the summer. Jason wasn't there, and I was sa that he has a girlfriend and was whipped. I miss Jason. I got to see Jim though, and had tortellini soup. and my tea. I missed superior tea. It was nice to be home.
Also! Andrea got Jim to buy booze. So they had their Pabst and Derek had his Mad Dog 20/20. There's an Elliott Smith song called mad dog 20/20. Andrea said that it tasted like cream savers. I didn't try it.
Also! A guy brought macedonian moonshine. He said he wanted to puke it was so strong. He was blind drunk after 3 or 4 shots. Then I went to sleep because I don't like watching people drink, and I like watching people get high even less.
Saturday: was like summer. We went to Target and smoked in the car and drove around. Julie was gone, which was also like summer. It was good to be home.
Also! We ate at a deli in Highland. It was really good and they made us a special sandwich because we're vegetarians and all of the sandwiches had meat. They were so sweet. It was growing up, because if we were hungry over the summer we would have gone to schoops for fries.
Steve Richards: is the fish I bought. he's sitting next to me right now. He like Phil Ochs and the bad covers Andrea and I do of songs. He's white with two spots on his tail and one on his head.
Also! I didn't get a hold of haxan because Julie was gone and that sucks.
Also! the shuffle had been amazing right now.
Jenny Lewis: was amazing. The show easily topped when I saw her in the spring, and Kyle came with me. I spnt the entire second half of the day with him and it was amazing in mor ways than one. But I won't go into details of the other part. This is not smut.
The entire show was a lot more plugged in than spring. They revamped run devil run into a doo-wop song, which was incredible, and they played a few new songs. At one point they ran backstage and came out in different dresses, covered in sequins. Johnathan Rice introduced them like a vegas act. We went to Clarke's afterwards. Tasty. And I'm just so happy that Kyle could come with.
Also! I love the way lipstick rings look on the end of a cigarette.
Andrea and Julie: came over after their minus the bear show. They spooned in my bed. Mary didn't get angry when she found me curled up in hers under the sofa afghan. I love Mary. We went to Wicker Park the next day and I got two shirts and remembered the Okerville River show tomorrow. We then headed home on the train to Lansing.
Also! We almost missed our train. And also almost missed the L.
Also! I saw the kids from the last time I went down to Wicker Park. Julie christened them the stink punks. I am so in love with them.
Lansing: is where my home is, I guess. It was nice to be home. We went to Andrea's house, where I lived over the summer, and after Andrea dyed her hair and I made a soft soft silver bang shirt (It's green and awesome) we went to Schoop's.
Also! Mary Kate, a friend of ours, cut all of her hair off.
Also! Andrea's house smelled different.
Schoop's: has new menus and new hours. The smoke shop next to Schoop's also have new hours. Schoop's is open later and the smoke shop closes earlier. I paid and it was weird. At the same time it was nice to be home.
Round the Clock: New cups. Same people. But it was obviously not the summer. Jason wasn't there, and I was sa that he has a girlfriend and was whipped. I miss Jason. I got to see Jim though, and had tortellini soup. and my tea. I missed superior tea. It was nice to be home.
Also! Andrea got Jim to buy booze. So they had their Pabst and Derek had his Mad Dog 20/20. There's an Elliott Smith song called mad dog 20/20. Andrea said that it tasted like cream savers. I didn't try it.
Also! A guy brought macedonian moonshine. He said he wanted to puke it was so strong. He was blind drunk after 3 or 4 shots. Then I went to sleep because I don't like watching people drink, and I like watching people get high even less.
Saturday: was like summer. We went to Target and smoked in the car and drove around. Julie was gone, which was also like summer. It was good to be home.
Also! We ate at a deli in Highland. It was really good and they made us a special sandwich because we're vegetarians and all of the sandwiches had meat. They were so sweet. It was growing up, because if we were hungry over the summer we would have gone to schoops for fries.
Steve Richards: is the fish I bought. he's sitting next to me right now. He like Phil Ochs and the bad covers Andrea and I do of songs. He's white with two spots on his tail and one on his head.
Also! I didn't get a hold of haxan because Julie was gone and that sucks.
Also! the shuffle had been amazing right now.
02 October 2006
I Love You, Shoe Guy!
(that comes later.)
Right now I am sitting at my desk eating puppy chow. My mother sent me a care package. Why? I don't know.
I got my hair dyed a dark red. it was a three hour experience, complete with chamomile tea, hail, the best red i think i've ever gotten, and no check.
The reason I like hair modeling so much has more to do with the change than with the free hair. It eliminates my need to be picky with my hair, and I feel like a paying customer every once in a while. It's nice to feel like a paying customer.
Jessica was awesome. She's someone who I could see myself hanging out with outside of hair modeling. And she gave me amazing colour. I hope she passed her exam or whatever it was.
Also! Winsty came down. We went shoe shopping which is where I ran into shoe guy.
Shoe guy works in the shoe section of the alley. He is actually one of two or three guys, all of whom are called shoe guy. I'm not sure if the one I saw tonight was one of the saturday shoe guys or not.
Saturday there are two shoe guys: Isaac brock shoe guy and other shoe guy. Other shoe guy may or may not be 90's alternative shoe guy, who works on mondays too.
A lot of people find the shoe guys annoying but I am absolutely in love with them.
Tonight was as I mentioned, 90's alternative shoe guy. We held a stupid conversation, and my feet got into it, and he convinced me to write 'line' on the bottoms. How? he's shoe guy and I am in love with him. He wasn't having the best of days. We talked about shoes and he found a tack in the bottom of his combat boots, and I found out his name is Joe. As far as I'm concerned, his name is shoe guy. He's like a superhero. At least to me he is.
Also! I'm about to go have pizza.
Right now I am sitting at my desk eating puppy chow. My mother sent me a care package. Why? I don't know.
I got my hair dyed a dark red. it was a three hour experience, complete with chamomile tea, hail, the best red i think i've ever gotten, and no check.
The reason I like hair modeling so much has more to do with the change than with the free hair. It eliminates my need to be picky with my hair, and I feel like a paying customer every once in a while. It's nice to feel like a paying customer.
Jessica was awesome. She's someone who I could see myself hanging out with outside of hair modeling. And she gave me amazing colour. I hope she passed her exam or whatever it was.
Also! Winsty came down. We went shoe shopping which is where I ran into shoe guy.
Shoe guy works in the shoe section of the alley. He is actually one of two or three guys, all of whom are called shoe guy. I'm not sure if the one I saw tonight was one of the saturday shoe guys or not.
Saturday there are two shoe guys: Isaac brock shoe guy and other shoe guy. Other shoe guy may or may not be 90's alternative shoe guy, who works on mondays too.
A lot of people find the shoe guys annoying but I am absolutely in love with them.
Tonight was as I mentioned, 90's alternative shoe guy. We held a stupid conversation, and my feet got into it, and he convinced me to write 'line' on the bottoms. How? he's shoe guy and I am in love with him. He wasn't having the best of days. We talked about shoes and he found a tack in the bottom of his combat boots, and I found out his name is Joe. As far as I'm concerned, his name is shoe guy. He's like a superhero. At least to me he is.
Also! I'm about to go have pizza.
01 October 2006
I don't get it.
It really is a small world.
I go to preschool with some kids, and then years later I get on the train with one and I'm suddenly reconnected.
Aicia, who i was friends with in preschool, who was at my first sleepover. Now into neutral milk hotel. I really don't know what is going on and it's weirding me out.
a weekend full of music and philb lives downstairs.
It's nuts.
I go to preschool with some kids, and then years later I get on the train with one and I'm suddenly reconnected.
Aicia, who i was friends with in preschool, who was at my first sleepover. Now into neutral milk hotel. I really don't know what is going on and it's weirding me out.
a weekend full of music and philb lives downstairs.
It's nuts.
30 September 2006
Thus Far: Eight Hours in Champaign
I got here are and lost my cigarettes.
Also! I got to the dorm and met roommates that were something awful.
Also! There's alcohol in my system again, but I didnt get very drunk at all (just enough to feel a little better)
Also! we went to a dance party. It was lame.
Also! Merry Anne's is a crappy diner.
Needless to say, it's good to be home.
Also! I got to the dorm and met roommates that were something awful.
Also! There's alcohol in my system again, but I didnt get very drunk at all (just enough to feel a little better)
Also! we went to a dance party. It was lame.
Also! Merry Anne's is a crappy diner.
Needless to say, it's good to be home.
29 September 2006
in Four and a Half Hours...
Right now, I am in the final stages of packing to escape a week that has been both wonderful and horrific. A week that has reduced me to a mess. I'm going back to the town where I was born.
In 2 and a half hours, I get on a train that goes dead south from Chicago to Champaign.
In four nd a half hours I'll be there. Home, if thats what you can call it.
Home to Andrea, who is a bitch and stops by for 15 minutes when she says she's going to spend the night.
Andrea, who whines and tells me to shut up if I'm sad.
Andrea, who makes fun of me when I won't smoke pot.
Andrea, who fed me, housed me, and gave me cigarettes all summer.
Andrea, who plays guitar for me to sing along to.
Andrea, my first husband.
Andrea, my best friend.
This city really is killing me right now, between relationship breakdowns that can be patched up after all (thank god) and hoboes when I get lost in new places.
I'm going to see the stars for the first time in a month.
People usually say that home is where the heart is. For me, home is wherever I lay my head. I don't know what that means, but I can truthfully say that getting on the train is taking me home, and getting on the train on sunday to come back will be taking me home, and the next time I head out to Crete I'll be going home.
Home is the place that I'm gonna sleep tonight. Home is where I'm going to see the people I love.
I ain't got no solid home in this world anymore... I'm always home.
And in four and a half hours, I'll be home for the first time all week.
In 2 and a half hours, I get on a train that goes dead south from Chicago to Champaign.
In four nd a half hours I'll be there. Home, if thats what you can call it.
Home to Andrea, who is a bitch and stops by for 15 minutes when she says she's going to spend the night.
Andrea, who whines and tells me to shut up if I'm sad.
Andrea, who makes fun of me when I won't smoke pot.
Andrea, who fed me, housed me, and gave me cigarettes all summer.
Andrea, who plays guitar for me to sing along to.
Andrea, my first husband.
Andrea, my best friend.
This city really is killing me right now, between relationship breakdowns that can be patched up after all (thank god) and hoboes when I get lost in new places.
I'm going to see the stars for the first time in a month.
People usually say that home is where the heart is. For me, home is wherever I lay my head. I don't know what that means, but I can truthfully say that getting on the train is taking me home, and getting on the train on sunday to come back will be taking me home, and the next time I head out to Crete I'll be going home.
Home is the place that I'm gonna sleep tonight. Home is where I'm going to see the people I love.
I ain't got no solid home in this world anymore... I'm always home.
And in four and a half hours, I'll be home for the first time all week.
26 September 2006
La guerre? Non, la vie dans l'enfer.
Hellish, yes?
I went to cursive and I knew it would be a bad decision, but i went anyways.
When I went downstairs to meet everyone, Kyle called again. I had finally calmed down and was at a place where i could enjoy the show but he destroyed that. Sobbing again in the bedroom. I kicked Packey out and he sleeps there. When he was done, we left to go to the show. We got there and I immediately wanted to leave. I stuck it out.
The first band, whose name I don't know, played. They were from Portland like Elliott. All I could think about was that. They had these songs, vaguely biblical, but beautiful. and they kept making me cry. there was one, "if i have any faith left, pray for me" or something like that.
and I lost it. because that sums it up.
If i ever had any faith was maybe how it went. I dont know. but that sums it up.
They were done and we moved dead center for cursive.
They opened with this song that had the line 'the best i can do' in it or something. And so it began. and continued. every other song at least. Especially driftwood, 'now I wonder how I was made..."
I left early and sat outside.
Miserable.
I went to cursive and I knew it would be a bad decision, but i went anyways.
When I went downstairs to meet everyone, Kyle called again. I had finally calmed down and was at a place where i could enjoy the show but he destroyed that. Sobbing again in the bedroom. I kicked Packey out and he sleeps there. When he was done, we left to go to the show. We got there and I immediately wanted to leave. I stuck it out.
The first band, whose name I don't know, played. They were from Portland like Elliott. All I could think about was that. They had these songs, vaguely biblical, but beautiful. and they kept making me cry. there was one, "if i have any faith left, pray for me" or something like that.
and I lost it. because that sums it up.
If i ever had any faith was maybe how it went. I dont know. but that sums it up.
They were done and we moved dead center for cursive.
They opened with this song that had the line 'the best i can do' in it or something. And so it began. and continued. every other song at least. Especially driftwood, 'now I wonder how I was made..."
I left early and sat outside.
Miserable.
25 September 2006
"Nothing WIll Change"
"My love she is my saving grace
She holds me through the winter
Knowing well that I will leave
Still she holds me closer
And if my heart should break
I will surely die
And my blood will flow and my soul will fly
Into the night where the spirits scream...."
-Johnathan Rice, Acrobat
This song feels right, and that makes me even more scared. He is my saving grace and I keep fucking up. and It terrifies me that april might be right. that this endless cycle of chaos I keep creating, accidentally or purposefully, will come back to bite me, and what i want will be gone.
I want him.
Only him. I don't know what's wrong with me, why it seems like im having this hard time committing. commiting to him is easy because i really do love him. I'm just a stupid idiot who has to ruin everything good that comes along.
and if my heart should break, I will surely die.
it feels like a threat... "break up with me and i'll jump". and there's no other way to frame it so i keep it quiet. if he leaves me i have nothing else to live for. and that breaks my heart.
he saved my life. and he's cradling it in his hands.
I will leave this world, and become a dream....
which relates to you will you will. but he won't come back if he leaves.
am i really that different? who am i becoming?
abd most importantly, how do i stop it?
She holds me through the winter
Knowing well that I will leave
Still she holds me closer
And if my heart should break
I will surely die
And my blood will flow and my soul will fly
Into the night where the spirits scream...."
-Johnathan Rice, Acrobat
This song feels right, and that makes me even more scared. He is my saving grace and I keep fucking up. and It terrifies me that april might be right. that this endless cycle of chaos I keep creating, accidentally or purposefully, will come back to bite me, and what i want will be gone.
I want him.
Only him. I don't know what's wrong with me, why it seems like im having this hard time committing. commiting to him is easy because i really do love him. I'm just a stupid idiot who has to ruin everything good that comes along.
and if my heart should break, I will surely die.
it feels like a threat... "break up with me and i'll jump". and there's no other way to frame it so i keep it quiet. if he leaves me i have nothing else to live for. and that breaks my heart.
he saved my life. and he's cradling it in his hands.
I will leave this world, and become a dream....
which relates to you will you will. but he won't come back if he leaves.
am i really that different? who am i becoming?
abd most importantly, how do i stop it?
24 September 2006
Moon Pie
'do you remember moon pie?...'
I'm getting closer and closer to moon pie with each passing day, sitting with these new people.
there was just a sliver of a moon tonight, red for the apocalypse like Michael's hair. like the boy who plays for me. Jeffery and Claire went to Clarke's, I stayed with Michael and there was music and music videos and Prince and guitar.
Two guitars, as a matter of fact. Guitars in the prettiest way, guitars with the voice of a boy who I see like I saw Kennny Sunshine, who reminds me of Angela in these little ways. Who reminds me of myself in others.
At this pont I remember there's a link to this; that you can read what I'm saying about you, Michael.
You're Just Like Kenny, Except Kenny Couldn't Sing.
Kenny Sunshine? He was a lot like me.
I never thought I'd have this again... I missed moon pie.
I'm getting closer and closer to moon pie with each passing day, sitting with these new people.
there was just a sliver of a moon tonight, red for the apocalypse like Michael's hair. like the boy who plays for me. Jeffery and Claire went to Clarke's, I stayed with Michael and there was music and music videos and Prince and guitar.
Two guitars, as a matter of fact. Guitars in the prettiest way, guitars with the voice of a boy who I see like I saw Kennny Sunshine, who reminds me of Angela in these little ways. Who reminds me of myself in others.
At this pont I remember there's a link to this; that you can read what I'm saying about you, Michael.
You're Just Like Kenny, Except Kenny Couldn't Sing.
Kenny Sunshine? He was a lot like me.
I never thought I'd have this again... I missed moon pie.
23 September 2006
Adventures in Being Locked Out
Unfortunately for my roommates and I, I am an idiot. So when Emi let me borrow her key for the night, i tried to be as smart as possible. I kept it in my pocket and tried to stay out for as long as possible.
After watching Me and You and Everyone We Know, I decided that because i have to be a writer all day, i should go to sleep. It was about 4:30 ae em. I gethered my things (which included a typewriter and two books) and headed up to my apartment. After setting everything down it occurred to me that I had left my phone downstairs, so I ran to get it without grabbing anything. Anything.
I ran out of the apartment barefoot without a key at 5 ae em.
when i got down there I realized what I had done before they even opened the door for me. Emi didn't answer her phone, and in an attempt to not wake her up at an ungodly hour two days in a row I just slept downstairs.
All of these problems, I realize, are due to my cell phone and tupid things involving it. Therefore, the solution is for my cell phone to stop being lame.
Its got nothing to do with the rom key!
After watching Me and You and Everyone We Know, I decided that because i have to be a writer all day, i should go to sleep. It was about 4:30 ae em. I gethered my things (which included a typewriter and two books) and headed up to my apartment. After setting everything down it occurred to me that I had left my phone downstairs, so I ran to get it without grabbing anything. Anything.
I ran out of the apartment barefoot without a key at 5 ae em.
when i got down there I realized what I had done before they even opened the door for me. Emi didn't answer her phone, and in an attempt to not wake her up at an ungodly hour two days in a row I just slept downstairs.
All of these problems, I realize, are due to my cell phone and tupid things involving it. Therefore, the solution is for my cell phone to stop being lame.
Its got nothing to do with the rom key!
22 September 2006
It's not a whim, You know?
I had to do laundry. HAD TO. I haven't done laundry since I got here, so there were 3 washers worth of clothes. It took 2 hours. I worked on homework the entire time, saving a brief trip to dunkin. Mary and I had a laundry and homework party... it was great. Her clothes were done first, so she left to go do stuff.
I do not have a room key and this occurred to me as I was folding my laundry. at almost 3 ae em. Without a key you can't even get into the stairs or elevator. The thought crossed my miind that i would have to camp out in the basement if Mary were alseep. My only resource was to call her.
I tried to turn on my phone (it was low on juice so I turned it off), and nothing happened. My phone died in the laundry room of the building to which I lost my key. Then I remembered- there's a pay phone outside the laundry room. I gathered my stuff and moved outside, knowing that i had enough change to call her and get her down there to help me.
I do not have mary's phone number memorized. the first 6 digits, area code included, are the same as mine, but that's it. So I had no way of getting a hold of her, or anyone who could possibly come rescue me (i've known these people for about a month, and while they are all good friends by now, it takes me up to 6 months to have phone numbers memorized). That left me worried, because the plan was to go upstairs to my room, grab the typewriter, and get everything pretty for my fiction writing class tomorrow at nine, fall asleep around 5:30, wake up at 8:30, and run to class. it all would have been perfect.
However, I had to figure out extra, non locked elevators, talk to security guards, and bang on my door until Emi, another roommate of mine, woke up from the noise.
RIght now all I want to do is sleep. and my phone still isnt working right. That means no alarm.
These are the reason that I am not going to fiction writing tomorrow/this morning,
I do not have a room key and this occurred to me as I was folding my laundry. at almost 3 ae em. Without a key you can't even get into the stairs or elevator. The thought crossed my miind that i would have to camp out in the basement if Mary were alseep. My only resource was to call her.
I tried to turn on my phone (it was low on juice so I turned it off), and nothing happened. My phone died in the laundry room of the building to which I lost my key. Then I remembered- there's a pay phone outside the laundry room. I gathered my stuff and moved outside, knowing that i had enough change to call her and get her down there to help me.
I do not have mary's phone number memorized. the first 6 digits, area code included, are the same as mine, but that's it. So I had no way of getting a hold of her, or anyone who could possibly come rescue me (i've known these people for about a month, and while they are all good friends by now, it takes me up to 6 months to have phone numbers memorized). That left me worried, because the plan was to go upstairs to my room, grab the typewriter, and get everything pretty for my fiction writing class tomorrow at nine, fall asleep around 5:30, wake up at 8:30, and run to class. it all would have been perfect.
However, I had to figure out extra, non locked elevators, talk to security guards, and bang on my door until Emi, another roommate of mine, woke up from the noise.
RIght now all I want to do is sleep. and my phone still isnt working right. That means no alarm.
These are the reason that I am not going to fiction writing tomorrow/this morning,
20 September 2006
It had to have been warmer today, I didn't wear my hat.
The weather thing on the computer said it was colder, but I don't believe it.
I stayed inside almost all of today. Slept until 2PM. That's about 12 hours. I''m still a little out of it. its like being put in slow motion.
According to the message I left my acting teacher, Scott, Im sick. And i don't completely disagree with that stamement. It's just not the kind of sick that most people take off for. I couldn't leave the building at 10:45, and therefore I was sick. Sick constitutes having to stay home from something youd otherwise go to.
I like my acting class and would go to it even if I wee physically sick. The only time i left the building was to go pay my tuition. I haven't even left to smoke.
So I've been sitting around not doing anything.
I did make coffee downstairs, because my coffee pot lives with Michael and Jeffrey and Packey and J-Bonez. That sentence jut looks odd.
Also! We watched next for a while and I remembered why I don't like TV.
Also! I found a piece of paper in the newspaper that says "dressed to the nines". It's going on the door of downstairs, or maybe just straight to the wall where they display things i make them. probably stright there.
Also! I keep hearing sirens. They scare me little more than they used to.
Take care.
I stayed inside almost all of today. Slept until 2PM. That's about 12 hours. I''m still a little out of it. its like being put in slow motion.
According to the message I left my acting teacher, Scott, Im sick. And i don't completely disagree with that stamement. It's just not the kind of sick that most people take off for. I couldn't leave the building at 10:45, and therefore I was sick. Sick constitutes having to stay home from something youd otherwise go to.
I like my acting class and would go to it even if I wee physically sick. The only time i left the building was to go pay my tuition. I haven't even left to smoke.
So I've been sitting around not doing anything.
I did make coffee downstairs, because my coffee pot lives with Michael and Jeffrey and Packey and J-Bonez. That sentence jut looks odd.
Also! We watched next for a while and I remembered why I don't like TV.
Also! I found a piece of paper in the newspaper that says "dressed to the nines". It's going on the door of downstairs, or maybe just straight to the wall where they display things i make them. probably stright there.
Also! I keep hearing sirens. They scare me little more than they used to.
Take care.
Christ.
I don't know why I'm posting about this. I'm shaking and it's making it hard to type.
Some guy got Cait.
He was wearing a black hoodie with blue lettering i guess, and he walked up to her and assaulted her.
For once I'm more worried about her than me. I guess that means I'm growing up, right? I mean, I'm not so hot right now, I've been chainsmoking and I can't see straight but the concern is centered aorund her.
For once, it isn't 'what happened to me was worse'. That's not the important part. The important part is that Cait is ok in the end.
How is this fair? Will someone please tell me how this is going to balance out? Because I'm having doubts in my own philosophy. It can't be like this.
I don't know why I'm writing this, especially since there's a link to this on my facebook. But I need to get it out.
The room is spinning. And I'm having flashbacks to everything: what happened when I was a kid, the fourth of july that one year, nick. All times I've been taken advantage of.
The fourth was the worst because I was old enough to understand it and I didn't see it coming.
Why, Tim? Why did you think that you could do that? Why does anyone think they have the right? How are people wired that they don't understand?
I can't go to class tomorrow, no. I'll be hanging out inside all day. I'll figure out how to pay my tuition some other way.
I need to lie down before I vomit.
Not for me this time, for her.
Some guy got Cait.
He was wearing a black hoodie with blue lettering i guess, and he walked up to her and assaulted her.
For once I'm more worried about her than me. I guess that means I'm growing up, right? I mean, I'm not so hot right now, I've been chainsmoking and I can't see straight but the concern is centered aorund her.
For once, it isn't 'what happened to me was worse'. That's not the important part. The important part is that Cait is ok in the end.
How is this fair? Will someone please tell me how this is going to balance out? Because I'm having doubts in my own philosophy. It can't be like this.
I don't know why I'm writing this, especially since there's a link to this on my facebook. But I need to get it out.
The room is spinning. And I'm having flashbacks to everything: what happened when I was a kid, the fourth of july that one year, nick. All times I've been taken advantage of.
The fourth was the worst because I was old enough to understand it and I didn't see it coming.
Why, Tim? Why did you think that you could do that? Why does anyone think they have the right? How are people wired that they don't understand?
I can't go to class tomorrow, no. I'll be hanging out inside all day. I'll figure out how to pay my tuition some other way.
I need to lie down before I vomit.
Not for me this time, for her.
19 September 2006
There is no way it's 54 degrees outside.
It has to be colder than that.
In other news, last night at about 3 ae em I made something to put on the door of downstairs. Out of a Motley Crue poster.
It's uncreative, unoffensive, and took me half a minute to think up. The sad part is its one of those obnoxious feminist thingummies that people pass off as real art.
No. It took 15 minutes to assemble.
The thought? 'How obnoxious can I make this?'
Im trying to send it to my flickr but it isnt working right now. I took said poster, cut out the naked girl wo had no face, and cut letters spelling "faceless for guilt-free" out of the part od the poster tat was red with white stars.
it said:
The american way: (i handwrote that part) Faceless for guilt-free explicit content.
realy stupid.
Also! I am terrified of the theatre building, which is horrible because my major is under the theatre dept.
Also! I saw a man in a suit and hat sitting and smoking a cigarette in the cold. He looked ike someone i would have liked to talk to, but it was cold.
Also! I hate it when people in cars smoke with the windows rolled up. It just makes the car smell.
Also! I am going grocery shooping for the first time today in a little while. it should be interesting.
In other news, last night at about 3 ae em I made something to put on the door of downstairs. Out of a Motley Crue poster.
It's uncreative, unoffensive, and took me half a minute to think up. The sad part is its one of those obnoxious feminist thingummies that people pass off as real art.
No. It took 15 minutes to assemble.
The thought? 'How obnoxious can I make this?'
Im trying to send it to my flickr but it isnt working right now. I took said poster, cut out the naked girl wo had no face, and cut letters spelling "faceless for guilt-free" out of the part od the poster tat was red with white stars.
it said:
The american way: (i handwrote that part) Faceless for guilt-free explicit content.
realy stupid.
Also! I am terrified of the theatre building, which is horrible because my major is under the theatre dept.
Also! I saw a man in a suit and hat sitting and smoking a cigarette in the cold. He looked ike someone i would have liked to talk to, but it was cold.
Also! I hate it when people in cars smoke with the windows rolled up. It just makes the car smell.
Also! I am going grocery shooping for the first time today in a little while. it should be interesting.
18 September 2006
As if the last one wasn't a failure enough, right?
The boy who sold me this computer had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Ever. They were brown in the middle and faded to a deep green ring. They looked like someone had been mixing crayons. Amazing color.
I was otherwise terrified. almost turned around and left without anything. But I did make it, and now I am the owner of a Macbook.
I'm scared of it but I'm doing my best to get used to it and convince myself that it isn't going to eat my soul when I'm not looking.
Regardless, this is attempt number two at blogspot.com online journal.
Wish me luck and don't expect regular postings.
Take care.
Anastasia
I was otherwise terrified. almost turned around and left without anything. But I did make it, and now I am the owner of a Macbook.
I'm scared of it but I'm doing my best to get used to it and convince myself that it isn't going to eat my soul when I'm not looking.
Regardless, this is attempt number two at blogspot.com online journal.
Wish me luck and don't expect regular postings.
Take care.
Anastasia
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