A Year Ago I Lost One Of My Closest Friends.

Her name was Lucy.
She disappeared one day, between le tigre references, bad french and stomach surgery. She said she was going and she left never to return.
She finished her story. I have not, but I've been thinking long and hard about censorship and why I do this and what it keeps me from and what it encourages,
And I've come to understand that same thing she was saying a year ago. She came out of surgery wanting to live, I've been trying to live for a while.
So I need to join her, in the realm of the finished.
I've my life ahead, just one more story, one more scar to finger in the dark.

"The Things That You've Got Coming Will Do Things That You're Afraid To...

There is someone waiting out there with a mouthful of surprises"- The Mountain Goats

I feel strangely relfective about weird things after driving for about 7 hours through Iowa. Iowa sucks, and there's some stuff that needs out of my head. I dont know about what, but there was a song that I can't remeber that they played in the car tht reminded me of something I can't really remember.
There feels like a layer of grime that has something to do with something.
Mmm. Neva Dinova is helping this immensely.

There is nothing more that I have wanted my whole life than to be in a relationship that would last forever. I have been waiting my whole life to find this. Now that I believe I have found it, it scares the shit out of me. In ways I can't even explain.
The first boy I thought I was in love with humoured me for a very long time. I was humouring myself about a lot of things, too. Things that didn't even get bad until I was in high school. Then I met Adam.
I met Adam at a church conference in Michigan. He was my technical first kiss (that's a whole other story). We were still young and thought we were punk and we were going to get married, so he thought. We wrote letters, they were cute. Adam liked coke. He also liked boys and liked encouraging me to cut myself because it got him off to hear about me cutting myself. I was 'with him' for 2 years. Did I mention he lives in kentucky? I saw him once for two years. I was desperate to be in that relationship that would last forever.
I only broke up with him because I thought Kyle was gone forever. I decided to give up.
Giving up meant a boy named Nick, sort of. It was a confusing summer. I did a lot of things i shouldn't have, probably. By the time Kyle found me again I was most of the way into the relationship with Nick. I had to see that through.
When people hurt my friends, I get angry. Sometimes it sits, sometimes it come out in writing, sometimes I get creative. I've always been like this. Nick hurt my best friend. I let it go for a while, but then I found myself completely giving up on everything. Call it mental suicide. I spent a week in a pill induced pseudo-coma, I think, it may have been longer (i remember wandering around my high school and that's it). I sent myself into shock due to blood loss. I took more pills. I survived. I decided that i could get Nick back. I told him everything. I got him to love me. I never liked him. I was going to have sex with him, because my virginity suddenly didn't matter.
We got along pretty well. I got him to break up with me because I didn't want to do it. Two months of my life. Waste? No. I broke his heart. I avenged Kathlyn. She never asked me to, but i had to.
(Also! While this was going on, I had Mike Robinson come and go. I could have been completely, 100% happy with him all of the time. But it slipped away.
Also! A week or two before I started dating Nick, I made out with some random guy in a treehouse. I think his name was Jacob.
Also! during this time Kyle started talking to me. I flipped out because I was so excited. I had an emotional affair with Kyle the entire time i dated Nick. Nick knew this and I rubbed it in as much as possible.
Also! Half a month before Nick broke up with me/I broke up with him, I had a complete mental breakdown. I don't think Nick even knew, except I started going to see a shrink. Kyle knew. Kyle was the last person to see me before I went crazy in springfield.)
I ended up not having sex with Nick. I told him, December. I broke up with him December 1. Exactly two months. The funniest part about that was, I had said to a friend of mine, "if this goes a day over two months you are under orders to shoot me." I didn't realize that i had done that until later, when I was looking at something. Nick made me do a lot of things that I really didn't want to do. He guilted me into them and sometimes they hurt. So I'm not really sure who was left with more damage. I knew that one wasn't going to last. It was an experiment in destructive beaviour. I knew what he did to girls. I wanted to be taken advantage of and fucked over. Somehow, I don't think that happened. I did a lot of things I didn't want to. I got fucked up. But I think I ended up taking advantage of him. He was willing to change for me and I just wanted to blow him off. Weird.
Kyle somehow saved me. I don't understand how to explain it, but he has and is saving me. This is why I love him. He dropped out of the sky to call me a liar and salute me in the halls and sit with me when I had a panic attack in the back of the art room and stay up all night with me, just to watch the sun rise from separate houses in separate towns over the internet. To get sugar in my hair when we missed the aristocrats. To get me grounded for a month because I never wanted to leave him. I still don't want to be apart from him.
That's how it happened, actually. I didn't want to leave him on groundhog day of last year. the next day I had to go on another conference like the one that i went crazy on, and i wanted to just be with him. 3 ae em and i fell asleep in his bed. Kyle was in the other room. My mother called his house and we got in so much trouble, but it was worth it. I had to go and I wandered into his arms for the first time ever and understood that maybe everything I was feeling was mutual.
and drove home knowing that something had ended, and something else had begun. It almost killed me and i slept very little that whole weekend. I knew that I was in the wrong bed. A week later, we were sort of an item. A week after that was valentines day. He made me a card with us in the poor edward story. I showed everyone I knew. And a week after that we kissed for the first time. That's a story.
Caribou coffee, I was 'buying t-shirts' and he was 'in math class'. He started with my hands, then my arms, then my face. Tracing every scar, every vein, every line. My lips. then we were forehead to forehead, and he said "just one then". And then we kissed. And the whle world began to sing.
It was his first kiss. It was painfully obvious. It felt like my first kiss.
I spent the rest of the day staring at walls and listening to starflyer 59.
And, well, from there it's been history.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I get really scared. I do things that hurt us both. He does things that hurt me so bad I want to be bad. And I don't feel bad. The bad half live in wickedness, yes, but the good half live in arrogance. I'm fucked up but I don't think it makes me better. I love him more than I thought was possible for anyone to love anything. even god. I don't know if i believe in him any more, but it feels like I've got Kyle for my salvation instead.

I remembered the song.
"It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake."- Rilo Kiley, The good that won't come out.

The People We Met Today 3/20/07

Itinerary from today: Hannibal-Brunswick-Kansas City.
Today's group of people was much nicer than yesterday.
1. Farmer James and his wife. They ran the giant pecan place. Julie scared them, but we kept talking and it got better. He even did part of his little show for us.It was almost awkward, but he was so genuine.
2. Klay, the cook turned waiter at the Brunswick diner. He hated being a waiter but was very nice.
3. The main office woman at the hotel for tonight, the Howard Johnson Motel. She wasnt so much nice as she was completely unconcerned.
4. The people in the record store. They too were unconcerned, but I guess the guy gave Julie a look of contempt when she bought her CD. All three of us got cds.
5. The woman at the herbs and crystals store. They had salt petre there (!) but I didn't pick any up. I should have. Wen asked about salvia, we learned that salvi divinorum is illegal in the state of Missouri. She thought we might be interested in wiccanism, possibly because Julie asked if they did readings and I threw a fit over the fact that they had salt petre. This is the only woman/person whom Julie didn't weird out with her outburst.
6. The two girls who ran the Y J snack bar. It wasn't actually a snack bar. They had dinner, and that is where we ate. It was worth the driving around lost for a half hour plus. They reminded me of the ditty bops, and made tasty foods.

The People We Met Today 3/19/07

Itinerary from today: Lansing-Springfield-Hannibal.
Today we met a lot of people who didn't like us, or were weirded out by us.
1. Pasquale, The waiter. He kept trying to be funny and Julie scared him by saying "I will accept rice".
2. The window washer guy. He didn't like that we were so pale and insisted that we needed to tan.
3. The gas station attendant. He got angry at Andrea for not knowing how to get to I-72.
4. The people at the Mark Twain Cave gift shop. Julie scared them by getting angry when they wouldn't restart the tour because we missed it by 10 minutes.
5. The people at the Sawyer Creek area. The man introduced himself with a hearty "Can I help You?"
6. The man who ran at us when we were taking pictures with plastic deer. Another "Can I Help You?", followed by "This is Private Property". He had a walkie talkie and was saying things in number code.
7. The woman at the christian bookstore. The door was open, but it was closed.
---
People who were at least moderately friendly to us:
1. The hotel guy. He was friendly.
2. The woman at the sex shop. She was kind of creepy, but nice and trying to be friendly while hawking her wares. We think she thought we were a gaggle of lesbians.
3. Our waitress at The Mark Twain Dinette. She tried really hard to be nice to us. She even tried to tell us about things to do.
4. The Antique shop woman. She worked at quincy college, and told us that if we want something that is open past 4 p m we should probably go to quincy. She gave us things, such as compliments.
5. The man in the hotel room next to us. He smiled at us. We figure that he's friendly because he isn't from Hannibal.

(What's His Name Again?)

SO tonight in hitting up RTC, we saw Rob. Rob used to work there, but for whatever reason I didn't mention him in six hours. He had a lot of sex.
Of course, we talked about sex. And feminism. And Rob showed us photos of what he's been cooking. He goes to chef school and man is he learning how to cook.
Everything looked delicious.

Spit, Snot, Phlegm, Mucus...

I personally like the word sputum. Regardless, I've had a lot of that stuff going on as of late. It's frustrating because ot only do I have the athsma to deal with, I'm trying to cough up all of this stuff running down my throat. It gets caught in my throat and sits sometimes. Or I'll start coughing and it'll be this big long sticky thing that goes up and dow my throat and I can feel it pulling both directions as I'm trying to cough it up. Or, it will come up normally and have the texture of tapioca or jello or something else gelatinous.

(Also! Trinitrip tomorrow! SO excited! But I'm going to miss Kyle a whole lot. A Whole lot. That's what cell phones are for, though. Kansas City, here we come!)

The Time for Talking Peacefully is Over.

Guerrilla Force: (n.) An irregular armed force that fights by sabotage and harassment.
---
Guerrilla warfare can be conceived as a continuum. On the low end are small-scale raids, ambushes and attacks.
---
(definitions from dictionary.com and wikipedia, respectively. Yeah, my sources suck sometimes, but they do the trick. Right, Eric?)

There's What's Going On, and What's Going On.

So I guess I'm permanently sick in the lungs. Other than that, my biggest problem is that I have one of those pimples on my ear.
I'm going to do a little excercise in creative nonfiction. An excercise in retelling, in collecting sources. And I can collect sources. Or source. Or a story that's worth retelling. From someone's perspective. From the beginning.
---
There's this boy, you see? He's my missing source. So I can't give you the last tailof it.
---
I want you to see what I'm seeing because what I'm seeing is death and decay in every sense of the word.
---
There's this boy, you see? He's real cute. brown hair and big brown eyes and these glasses. I guess he's been dating this girl for a while. Not anymore. He says she's clingy or something. And they tried to break up but it didn't work. So he tried again. it worked, I guess.
---
There's this boy, you see? He needed out of a relationship that he didn't want to be in anymore. And there's this girl who he knows, who everyone knows. She's kind of dirty. He told her that he was a sex guru. and so they had sex. That's how he broke up with his girlfriend.
---
There's this boy, right? And this girl he knows, who everyone knows, went with him to his car. they drove around the block and then they did it. Just to do it, Just to get his girlfriend finally out of the picture. She climbed on and he finished fast. He finished really fast and was embarrassed. So she got out of the car and thought nothing of what had happened.
---
There's this boy, ok? He dropped that girl who everyone knows off at the corner like a whore. Maybe she was. Maybe she is. Maybe she's sleeping with some other boy even now, some boy who isn't her boyfriend. Or was. That's when he freaked out. Went and got tested. Maybe he should have. He tried to move on.
---
His ex? She's in new mexico making herself a life. That other girl? Everyone knows her. Everyone knows what she's up to. and who she's next to. Him? Well.
---
This boy, he found himself a new girl. And now that's done too.
---
There's this boy, right? We thought he had changed. But he didn't. He's the same boy who fucked that girl everyone knows. He's still Eric.

For Today's Post,

I would like to say that I have an irrational fear of being hit by a taxi.

Rum is the Devil, Children.

Were I an intelligent person, I would have thought to myself, constant nausea and booze don't mix. Especially rum.
Bleeeech.

(Also!)

Must remeber to call the gyno about the constant bleeding and painyness. it sucks. I don't know what's wrong with me.
So many thigns are wrong with me right now.
Yay!

You Know, Livejournal Never Signs Me Out!

I don't post there, havent in over two years, but there's a matter of a certain baby Panda. In yesterday's photo, 7 motns one week, she is wearing a Daniel Johnston shirt. So now I am listenng to the moldy peaches.
My desk is a mess and the wireless connection sucks so i have to use the cable modem. Such a messy desk!
Anyways, entry.
I've been having these really vibrant dreams lately, 3 in a row. that's the weird part, three in a row. the first one involved old weird castles and Kyle proposing to me, and the movie the beast. yeah. number two, I had ringworm. number three, I ave birth to twins. a boy and a girl. they were so wrinkly and warm and little. It made me so happy i started crying. Then I woke up and really wanted some sort of asian cuisine. So I satiated that hunger.
I've been sleeping a lot. Kyle woke me up today. I was trying so hard to cling to that dream, in the place between sleep and awake. I can d it if the phone doesn't ring, translate my physical tear wiping back into dream movement.
I didn't want to wake up, everyone was so happy.
Nice way to start the day.
I think it was nicest because the last dream I had involving children, specifically mine and kyles, was about lucy. I don't like to think about her because it makes me cry.
Kimmy's getting married!
June 3rd. I'm in awe. it's amazing! that makes me so happy!

I'm Beginning To Understand Why Trying Isn't Always Good Enough.

So, Hairshow weekend. The big midwest show. It was kind of exciting. my hair is new, but I don't have my mac so I can't take a picture of it and show you. Oh well. I slept on it anyways.
I didn't really meet anyone exciting this year. We got to smoke inside, and that was exciting.
We drove, Meg and I. I borrowed my mom's car and we drove to and from the convention center both days. I feel like an experience driver, now that I know how to successfully navigate highways and cities.
I also drove home to see the boy on sunday. We were going to go out for dinner. He sent me over early so that I could order one of those pizza things from panera. Hads he gotten out on time, he and the pizza thing would have have arrived at the table I was sitting at moments apart. However, Like I predicted, Kyle was 20 minutes late getting out. The pizza was cold, I didn't want any, and I was a sobby mess.
we talked through it.
Last night I drove the car home so that mom could have it for today. I saw Kyle last night. we went out to dinner and otherwise occupied the time so that he couldn't drop me off at the train station (he had to go home). I decided, I'll stay here tonight. So I did. I'm sitting at the computer my littler siblings use, typing up a blog entry.
Now, Kyle says he can't come and get me until after his class. his class ends at 4. the absolute latest train that I can take is the 4:40. He says he might get out early, that he's going to try. I've sat through his teacher. they aren't going to get out early.
Thank you Kyle, for trying so hard. For making me think that I had a ride to the train station to catch a train that I absolutely need to. For giving me reason to tell my mom that she didn't need to worry about driving me to the train station. You would do it. Really, trying isn't good enough. I'm a sobby mess again.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I'm sick and tired and upset no matter how long I sleep or calm down.
I don't know what is wrong with me.

(Also! New readers! Thanks for stopping by!)