31 December 2006

Sunshine and New Years and Lake County Punks

this weekend was full of all 3 of these.
On friday, I woke up at about 10:30 to my mother calling. She was supposed to pick me up from Andrea's House at 10. By 11, I was home, redyeing my hair to make it pinker and yelling at her for making me miss my first train.
Kyle picked me up, we missed the second chance at the first train, and then I was off.
On the Electric Line into the city.
I got in at about 3:00. 3:00 is the time that my second train was supposed to leave. So I missed the first chance at the second train. I used that opportunity to get dressed and put on makeup. Then I walked to union station.
Ok, so the Electric line is about 10 minutes from my apartment. Union Station, however, is 20 minutes to a half hour (keep in m ind I walk everywhere). I forgot, and the train was supposed to be at 4:40 and I get there are 3:34. I had my ticket at 3:36, but I saw no signs of a 4:40 train. The next train was a l4:45, so I got on that one. Technically not a missed train, but close enough.
I spent a total of 2 and a half hours on the train. I have new sketches for another train painting because of a guy eating ice cream. Got to the station and Meg picked me up and we went to the show.
First band: Annoying.
Second band: the Digital Kill, wonderful.
Third band: Meg's band, Cyntext. Meg is hot and has a lovely voice. I don't dig metal but it was cool to watch her.
Fourth and fifth bands: Some other metal bands. I didn't watch them.
After Meg played I stood outside with some friends of hers. Lots of fun. They're great kids.
Eventually we went to Meg's house. Her house is very large. We had pizza and more hanging out, and eventually the three girls I had met went home and Meg, Kenzie and I went to sleep. That was about 1.
Early? Early for me.
Meg lives in Lake county. Lake county is the richest county in IL. That's why I felt so weird in Meg's house.
On the way home, I got to the first train on time. But I left my phone charger. So I got off at the next stop (which was luckily close) and went back to her house to get it. We watched part of a movie called space cowboys. It had Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones. I got on the train a second time and made it to Chicago. I then walked straight to the next station and Got on a train.
(This caused me to realize that I would love to be a beat.)
I got home to Kyle. Excepting one incident, it was a beautiful evening. He and Nick drove me to RTC.
The night progressed as usual from there.

Also! Kenny Sunshine called me twice on friday night! The first call was to ask if I was busy this week, and the second call was because he didn't know what day it was.
Adorable.

Also! Tonight is New Years Eve! Yay(?)

28 December 2006

Something's Keeping Me Up When I Should Be Asleep.

*General Warning: This Entry is VERY Personal. But I Don't Believe in Private Entries.*
At least, it's keeping me up right now. And I can't get my mind off of it and that sucks because it's unimportant right now.
So I started taking birth control christmas eve. I'm on the pill now. The first pill I actually took at Kyle's house.
"Happy Christmas, darlin, I'm on the pill!"
I know that it takes about a month and a half to work. But the idea that now there's no chance for me to get pregnant kind of weirds me out. I was not trying to get pregnant in any sense. I do not really want to have a kid right now, considering that I still have my life to sort out. But I always felt that there was that chance, that escape hatch of an accidental pregnancy. I figured that if things got unbearable it was like a parachute.
Please don't think that I do't understand that pregnancy= child in a few months. And please don't think that I take having a kid lightly at all. This is just what I've been thinking in the past two hours since I started trying to sleep.
Part of me does want children. An even smaller part of me thinks that now is a good time for that, for whatever reason.
I guess I'm just kind of scared because while there are a million good things about being on the pill, that's not what I grew up hearing. My family is very religious so I heard things like "If you start taking birth control early, like when you're in your teens, then it can be really hard for you to have kids later on. And anyways, sex is strictly for marriage and anyone who has sex outside of marriage is a sinner, and you don't get married until you're out of college. So why be on birth control and make it harder for you to concieve when you aren't having sex anyways?"
It's a lot of bullshit. Except for the part about it being harder to conceive after you've been on birth control for a long time. That's true. The longer you're on the pill, the longer it takes for the effects to go away when you go off it.
Ok.
When I was at his house on christmas eve, he made a comment about us maybe being the 1%. You know, the couple that gets pregnant anyways? And between the look in his eyes and the way he phrased the sentence, I couldn't tell if he was hopeful that we might be, or dreading the 1% chance that we could be. He had his arms around me. I was too thankful for the moment's exsistence after the fight we had to question its meaning. That was possibly a mistake, because I don't know what he meant.
We can't afford a kid right now either. It isn't even in the question.
So why am I so caught up in it?

27 December 2006

Seman Is Sitting Across From Me.

Mike Seman, that is. It's been a crazy night, sort of.
We missed the first train pciking him up, so we went to starbucks. We were a sight, two punk rock boys, a gril wit a nose ring, and a girl with pink hair who seemed less uncomfortable than the rest of them. WInsty and Mike shared a 5 dollar sandwich. I bought Anrdea and I coffee.
(All this time our friend Vince was waiting for us at a train station downtown. He waited for a very long time.)
We got there and WInsty and Mike ran off to their ska show, and Andrea and I went to rescue VInce. Clyde was nice enough to let him in to my apartment even though he didn't have an ID. Then we went to get pizza.

Pizza was interesting. There was a yuppie family that made us very angry because they were very wasteful, and their children kept staring. Not until the end of the night did they speak to each other. The woman had a fannie pack. Our pizza took forever. We got a small deep dish because that was the most food that we could afford. Because it took so long, we ate parmesan cheese straight.
Eventually the pizza came and we each got two slices. By that time we were very hungry, so after the pizza we finished off the parmesan cheese. We didn't have the luxury of cookies like the yuppies did.

It was kind of fun to be so scummy.
Andrea and Vince went home to lansing after that.
Then I took a nap and woke up to let Winsty and Mike in.

23 December 2006

...And Then There's What Actually Happened.

I was on the phone with Kyle unil 5:30 ish ae em. We got back on the same page. It was this long conversation about Plato and the hell's angels and all of this other stuff. I didn't go visit him, on account of things changed at his house and I couldn't. We got it figured out in its own way though, and I remembered something I hadn't in a very long tme.
When I was young, I saw a tornado. Not on television, but a real one. In a field, across the road from the car I was sitting in. it was beautiful.

Also! on monday, when Katlyn and Kenny Sunshine came to visit, I saw a crazy woman on the way back from buying toilet paper. She directed me like traffic and once I walked past her, she began walking backwards away from me saying "hey white nigger" over and over and over. While white people are still scared of the crazy girl with pink hair, a lot of black people ave spoke with me like my hair was no big deal.
Coincidence? Of course.

So Scummy...

It has been a very long time since I washed my hair. It is evident.
I've been communicating with Kyle through emails, meaning that he has been sending me emails and I have been reading them and sobbing. Every night, and every morning when I wake up. And at least once a day besides that usually.
But he decided that he wants to see me, that he wants to watch A Scanner Darkly with me tomorrow. I said yes.
Well, that's not the whole truth.
First I cried like the drunk sentimentalist that I was. Then I wrote him an email explaining how he was confusing me. Then He wrote me back and I cried some more. Then I wrote him back, explaining what this is doing to me, and telling him that I was going to think about it. Then I talked to Andrea and Brooke and Brooke's friend Tori, and we came to the decision that going and crying was better than staying away, crying, and regretting it horribly. Then I wrote him back an email sayng that I would watch it with him.
I dont know where we stand. I dont know what's going to happen tomorrow, aside form the fact that I am going to be a sobby mess.
----
Here are the various ways it could go:
1.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and we get on a good start. I'm a little sobby, but generally ok. we sit close and during the movie he starts kissing me etc. I start sobbing and freak out and he gets really upset and cries too. He drives me to a starbucks/Andrea's house/the train station and leaves me there, sobbing. He is very angry.

2.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and I immediately start sobbing. Hardcore. I sit as far away from him on the couch as possible and sob. We don't get to the movie. He gets angry and drops me off somewhere.

3.) I show up at his house/he picks me up, and I immediately start sobbing. Hardcore. I sit as far away from him on the couch as possible and sob. He just sits there. We don't get to the movie. At some point, he asks if he can hold me. I reluctantly say yes. we sit. He eventually drops me off.

4.} I shoe up at his house/he picks me up, and it goes ok. I cry, a lot, but we watch the movie and end up just laying there, silent. holding each other. Eventually he drops me off.
---

I think it's going to be a mix of all of those. Hopefully not number 1. I don't need that. He says he's going to call me right now though. I'm so nervous. It's weird.

20 December 2006

For I am an Engine and I'm rolling on
The world is all bending and breaking from me
For sweetness alone who flew out through the window
And landed back home in a garden of green.

You're riding alone on the back of a steamer
And steaming yourself in the warm shower spray
And water rolls on off a round captain's belly
Who's talking to tigers from his cafeteria tray.

And sweet babies cry for the cool taste of milking
That milky delight that invited us all
And if there's a taste in this life more inviting
Then wake up our windows and watch as those sweet babies crawl away.
_NMH, Engine

Put A Small "x" Where I Lost My Way.

He said we needed to take a break for a few days, that he would call me.
You once told me that if we were to ever separate in any way you would never speak to me again. That is why I want to die.
If you never want to see me again, that's your decision, but don't do it like this.
I thought that we were on the right track, that we were headed in the right direction. I guess that I was wrong.

19 December 2006

Beautiful Boys...

they now know I exist.

Today was full of them, with Kenny Sunshine in the daytime and Eric at night. Two boys that I idolized are now wanting to spend time with me and it's bizarre. Especially Ken. Eric wanted to spend time with Andrea and I started showing up, but Ken got a hold of me.
I have an unusual way of coping with that.

I was thinking about these beautiful boys and how now they are real, and it occurred to me that I never see beautiful boys anymore. Not like I used to. They used ot be everywhere. Now I see cute boys, but never the beautiful ones I used to.

And there was this song on Eric's ipod, a mewithoutyou song. Something about two pennies on a train track crushed into one and traps turning on their owners. That reminded me of my boy, the one I love so dearly. I really do. This fighting is stupid. I know it's going to take a while to fix, but I think I'm finally ready to take steps in the right direction.
It's part of living.

18 December 2006

I Just Did Something I've Never Done Before.

My roommates left a lot of milk in the fridge when they departed for home. I saw this and put it in my coffee (I'm not vegan but I do try and keep the animal byproduct consumption down). After pouring it into my coffee, I thought to look on the jug for the expriation date. I noticed that it's tomorrow. Then I did something I have never before in my life done.

I sniffed the milk to make sure it was ok.

I know, I know. no big deal. But it is to me, because I would always make my mom smell it. it was never bad because so may of us drank it, but I refused to sniff. I'm doing that on my own now. I'm growing up.

Also! Kathlyn and Ken stopped by today. It was lovely to see tem both again. Ken tried to assist with the tyoewriter repair, but ended up just pulling it apart. Kathlyn was herself and wrote "I can travel by jut unfolding a map!" on my fridge. I missed her. Too much. She better transfer and that's it.

17 December 2006

Ugh.

I'm shuddering and I need a cigarette.

Guhbluh.

The recent all the time nausea has taken itself to all-new funtime levels! Woo!
LAst night we went to a loft party, Andrea and Julie and Eric Perez and I. It was more fun than anyone could guess. Afterward I had to convince the people at the front desk that Eric was my step-brother. He's half mexican and half puerto-rican. I am 1/4 austrian, 3/8 irish and the rest kind of english/hillbilly. Needless to say, we look nothing alike. We did it though.
I left them there when I went to the gynecologist appointment that was apparently for no reason.
oh yeah....

Pink.

15 December 2006

3 Things.

1. Now is the time to live.
2. I have no idea what I'm doing.
3. No one should ever sign emails as 'Ken'.

14 December 2006

Today Was My First Helicopter Sighting In Chicago

A girl jumped in the subway. I was terrifed. Mainly it was because Andrea had mentioned possibly using the red line subway to go do stuff, but when I heard it was a jumper it made me more anxious.
Things have not been going to plan. And when I get the phone back, I'll rectify that. Something very important was missed.
Now I'm in Andrea's room. She's tuning her guitar and we're gonna sing Oh Comely.

11 December 2006

While On the Train...

A man behind me gave me a note, which read as follows:

I loved watching you "play" with your hair. *smilie face*. Nice color hair, by the way. You're very sexy!
*Hope I didn't offend you.
-Jason
708-259-0226

He gave it to me a few minutes before he left, and when I stopped playing with my hair he told me that he didn't intend for me to stop. Creepy.
I included his real phone number, so if anyone (er, there's only one person who reads this) feel like calling him up and telling him he's a creep, be my guest! I intend to memorize the number and give it to people when they ask for my number.
Ich.

10 December 2006

Upsetting? A Little.

I spent three years of my life dealing with overwhelming bitterness. The kind that makes you into someone who you do not want to be. So when he starts talking about bitterness being ok in any situation, I'm bound to be a little upset.
I'm not going to change my stance on bitterness being a horrble and dangerous thing because he decided it's ok. And I think he expects me to.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion because I am, for whatever reason, searching for a reason to be annoyed.
I don't know. But there are some things I've been missing and I think it all tracks back to one thing. But I'm not going to say anything about it. Because some things are necessary.
But not bitterness. It's never necessary.
Also! I may or may not have lost my notebook.

09 December 2006

XmasPalooza!

I.
Hate.
Christmas.
Shopping.

08 December 2006

Tell Me What to Feel.

Tonight was the big christmas shindig. And we played that Jenga game they made up and I made out with a girl and Jeff gave me a hickey.
Among other things. I've only had a few hours sleep in a long time, because Matthew made me stay up with them, and I'm unsure as to how I should feel about that. He has one of my rings and I need to get it back soon. Strangely enough, all of this was in the plan. All of it.
Well, maybe not making out with Jori (although I certainly didn't mind) and Jeff giving me a hickey (although that was funny). I'm getting used to the game. Soon I'll actually be able to play it with them (as opposed to just being a participant when called on).
I'm having a Going For the Gold (bright eyes song) problem right now. And I'm thrilled.

07 December 2006

The Difference Between my Roommats And I

They're making jello shots, I'm trying to take a shower because I'm unbelievably scummy.

They're cleaning, I'm leaving stuff places.

They're in the Christmas spirit, I'm the angel of death.

They're trying to be sophisticated, I'm trying to finish my sandwich.

It's been a long day.

05 December 2006

Stop Exaggerating.

So Michael isn't really mad at me. (no, not you, michael lovely.) He thought I was mad at him. Go figure, we're still in high school after all. I made drunken chaplain cookies today, and I can see my reflection in my stapler.
I do not know what I want from life. I do not know how I am going to get to sleep tonight. I do not know why my back has more pimples on it now than when i lived at home, even though I shower more now.
I do not know why I am in school when I could be going to learn to cut hair and doing something, albeit something stupid, with my life.
I have this exsistential crisis about once a week. I do not want to have this existential crisis any more. It's 3 ae em.
And I'm talking to a wall via text messages.

01 December 2006

I Want You To See What I'm Seeing,

Because what I'm seeing is pretty in a decaying way.


First snow living in this city. It was mostly hail, and I went out in it for the thursday trek to the Pick-Me-Up. Ow. Meg came with me this week, and that was nifty.
It's been a longer than usual week. but it is over, and now I have to make a cake for my dad. (It's his birthday tomorrow!)