I got here are and lost my cigarettes.
Also! I got to the dorm and met roommates that were something awful.
Also! There's alcohol in my system again, but I didnt get very drunk at all (just enough to feel a little better)
Also! we went to a dance party. It was lame.
Also! Merry Anne's is a crappy diner.
Needless to say, it's good to be home.
30 September 2006
29 September 2006
in Four and a Half Hours...
Right now, I am in the final stages of packing to escape a week that has been both wonderful and horrific. A week that has reduced me to a mess. I'm going back to the town where I was born.
In 2 and a half hours, I get on a train that goes dead south from Chicago to Champaign.
In four nd a half hours I'll be there. Home, if thats what you can call it.
Home to Andrea, who is a bitch and stops by for 15 minutes when she says she's going to spend the night.
Andrea, who whines and tells me to shut up if I'm sad.
Andrea, who makes fun of me when I won't smoke pot.
Andrea, who fed me, housed me, and gave me cigarettes all summer.
Andrea, who plays guitar for me to sing along to.
Andrea, my first husband.
Andrea, my best friend.
This city really is killing me right now, between relationship breakdowns that can be patched up after all (thank god) and hoboes when I get lost in new places.
I'm going to see the stars for the first time in a month.
People usually say that home is where the heart is. For me, home is wherever I lay my head. I don't know what that means, but I can truthfully say that getting on the train is taking me home, and getting on the train on sunday to come back will be taking me home, and the next time I head out to Crete I'll be going home.
Home is the place that I'm gonna sleep tonight. Home is where I'm going to see the people I love.
I ain't got no solid home in this world anymore... I'm always home.
And in four and a half hours, I'll be home for the first time all week.
In 2 and a half hours, I get on a train that goes dead south from Chicago to Champaign.
In four nd a half hours I'll be there. Home, if thats what you can call it.
Home to Andrea, who is a bitch and stops by for 15 minutes when she says she's going to spend the night.
Andrea, who whines and tells me to shut up if I'm sad.
Andrea, who makes fun of me when I won't smoke pot.
Andrea, who fed me, housed me, and gave me cigarettes all summer.
Andrea, who plays guitar for me to sing along to.
Andrea, my first husband.
Andrea, my best friend.
This city really is killing me right now, between relationship breakdowns that can be patched up after all (thank god) and hoboes when I get lost in new places.
I'm going to see the stars for the first time in a month.
People usually say that home is where the heart is. For me, home is wherever I lay my head. I don't know what that means, but I can truthfully say that getting on the train is taking me home, and getting on the train on sunday to come back will be taking me home, and the next time I head out to Crete I'll be going home.
Home is the place that I'm gonna sleep tonight. Home is where I'm going to see the people I love.
I ain't got no solid home in this world anymore... I'm always home.
And in four and a half hours, I'll be home for the first time all week.
26 September 2006
La guerre? Non, la vie dans l'enfer.
Hellish, yes?
I went to cursive and I knew it would be a bad decision, but i went anyways.
When I went downstairs to meet everyone, Kyle called again. I had finally calmed down and was at a place where i could enjoy the show but he destroyed that. Sobbing again in the bedroom. I kicked Packey out and he sleeps there. When he was done, we left to go to the show. We got there and I immediately wanted to leave. I stuck it out.
The first band, whose name I don't know, played. They were from Portland like Elliott. All I could think about was that. They had these songs, vaguely biblical, but beautiful. and they kept making me cry. there was one, "if i have any faith left, pray for me" or something like that.
and I lost it. because that sums it up.
If i ever had any faith was maybe how it went. I dont know. but that sums it up.
They were done and we moved dead center for cursive.
They opened with this song that had the line 'the best i can do' in it or something. And so it began. and continued. every other song at least. Especially driftwood, 'now I wonder how I was made..."
I left early and sat outside.
Miserable.
I went to cursive and I knew it would be a bad decision, but i went anyways.
When I went downstairs to meet everyone, Kyle called again. I had finally calmed down and was at a place where i could enjoy the show but he destroyed that. Sobbing again in the bedroom. I kicked Packey out and he sleeps there. When he was done, we left to go to the show. We got there and I immediately wanted to leave. I stuck it out.
The first band, whose name I don't know, played. They were from Portland like Elliott. All I could think about was that. They had these songs, vaguely biblical, but beautiful. and they kept making me cry. there was one, "if i have any faith left, pray for me" or something like that.
and I lost it. because that sums it up.
If i ever had any faith was maybe how it went. I dont know. but that sums it up.
They were done and we moved dead center for cursive.
They opened with this song that had the line 'the best i can do' in it or something. And so it began. and continued. every other song at least. Especially driftwood, 'now I wonder how I was made..."
I left early and sat outside.
Miserable.
25 September 2006
"Nothing WIll Change"
"My love she is my saving grace
She holds me through the winter
Knowing well that I will leave
Still she holds me closer
And if my heart should break
I will surely die
And my blood will flow and my soul will fly
Into the night where the spirits scream...."
-Johnathan Rice, Acrobat
This song feels right, and that makes me even more scared. He is my saving grace and I keep fucking up. and It terrifies me that april might be right. that this endless cycle of chaos I keep creating, accidentally or purposefully, will come back to bite me, and what i want will be gone.
I want him.
Only him. I don't know what's wrong with me, why it seems like im having this hard time committing. commiting to him is easy because i really do love him. I'm just a stupid idiot who has to ruin everything good that comes along.
and if my heart should break, I will surely die.
it feels like a threat... "break up with me and i'll jump". and there's no other way to frame it so i keep it quiet. if he leaves me i have nothing else to live for. and that breaks my heart.
he saved my life. and he's cradling it in his hands.
I will leave this world, and become a dream....
which relates to you will you will. but he won't come back if he leaves.
am i really that different? who am i becoming?
abd most importantly, how do i stop it?
She holds me through the winter
Knowing well that I will leave
Still she holds me closer
And if my heart should break
I will surely die
And my blood will flow and my soul will fly
Into the night where the spirits scream...."
-Johnathan Rice, Acrobat
This song feels right, and that makes me even more scared. He is my saving grace and I keep fucking up. and It terrifies me that april might be right. that this endless cycle of chaos I keep creating, accidentally or purposefully, will come back to bite me, and what i want will be gone.
I want him.
Only him. I don't know what's wrong with me, why it seems like im having this hard time committing. commiting to him is easy because i really do love him. I'm just a stupid idiot who has to ruin everything good that comes along.
and if my heart should break, I will surely die.
it feels like a threat... "break up with me and i'll jump". and there's no other way to frame it so i keep it quiet. if he leaves me i have nothing else to live for. and that breaks my heart.
he saved my life. and he's cradling it in his hands.
I will leave this world, and become a dream....
which relates to you will you will. but he won't come back if he leaves.
am i really that different? who am i becoming?
abd most importantly, how do i stop it?
24 September 2006
Moon Pie
'do you remember moon pie?...'
I'm getting closer and closer to moon pie with each passing day, sitting with these new people.
there was just a sliver of a moon tonight, red for the apocalypse like Michael's hair. like the boy who plays for me. Jeffery and Claire went to Clarke's, I stayed with Michael and there was music and music videos and Prince and guitar.
Two guitars, as a matter of fact. Guitars in the prettiest way, guitars with the voice of a boy who I see like I saw Kennny Sunshine, who reminds me of Angela in these little ways. Who reminds me of myself in others.
At this pont I remember there's a link to this; that you can read what I'm saying about you, Michael.
You're Just Like Kenny, Except Kenny Couldn't Sing.
Kenny Sunshine? He was a lot like me.
I never thought I'd have this again... I missed moon pie.
I'm getting closer and closer to moon pie with each passing day, sitting with these new people.
there was just a sliver of a moon tonight, red for the apocalypse like Michael's hair. like the boy who plays for me. Jeffery and Claire went to Clarke's, I stayed with Michael and there was music and music videos and Prince and guitar.
Two guitars, as a matter of fact. Guitars in the prettiest way, guitars with the voice of a boy who I see like I saw Kennny Sunshine, who reminds me of Angela in these little ways. Who reminds me of myself in others.
At this pont I remember there's a link to this; that you can read what I'm saying about you, Michael.
You're Just Like Kenny, Except Kenny Couldn't Sing.
Kenny Sunshine? He was a lot like me.
I never thought I'd have this again... I missed moon pie.
23 September 2006
Adventures in Being Locked Out
Unfortunately for my roommates and I, I am an idiot. So when Emi let me borrow her key for the night, i tried to be as smart as possible. I kept it in my pocket and tried to stay out for as long as possible.
After watching Me and You and Everyone We Know, I decided that because i have to be a writer all day, i should go to sleep. It was about 4:30 ae em. I gethered my things (which included a typewriter and two books) and headed up to my apartment. After setting everything down it occurred to me that I had left my phone downstairs, so I ran to get it without grabbing anything. Anything.
I ran out of the apartment barefoot without a key at 5 ae em.
when i got down there I realized what I had done before they even opened the door for me. Emi didn't answer her phone, and in an attempt to not wake her up at an ungodly hour two days in a row I just slept downstairs.
All of these problems, I realize, are due to my cell phone and tupid things involving it. Therefore, the solution is for my cell phone to stop being lame.
Its got nothing to do with the rom key!
After watching Me and You and Everyone We Know, I decided that because i have to be a writer all day, i should go to sleep. It was about 4:30 ae em. I gethered my things (which included a typewriter and two books) and headed up to my apartment. After setting everything down it occurred to me that I had left my phone downstairs, so I ran to get it without grabbing anything. Anything.
I ran out of the apartment barefoot without a key at 5 ae em.
when i got down there I realized what I had done before they even opened the door for me. Emi didn't answer her phone, and in an attempt to not wake her up at an ungodly hour two days in a row I just slept downstairs.
All of these problems, I realize, are due to my cell phone and tupid things involving it. Therefore, the solution is for my cell phone to stop being lame.
Its got nothing to do with the rom key!
22 September 2006
It's not a whim, You know?
I had to do laundry. HAD TO. I haven't done laundry since I got here, so there were 3 washers worth of clothes. It took 2 hours. I worked on homework the entire time, saving a brief trip to dunkin. Mary and I had a laundry and homework party... it was great. Her clothes were done first, so she left to go do stuff.
I do not have a room key and this occurred to me as I was folding my laundry. at almost 3 ae em. Without a key you can't even get into the stairs or elevator. The thought crossed my miind that i would have to camp out in the basement if Mary were alseep. My only resource was to call her.
I tried to turn on my phone (it was low on juice so I turned it off), and nothing happened. My phone died in the laundry room of the building to which I lost my key. Then I remembered- there's a pay phone outside the laundry room. I gathered my stuff and moved outside, knowing that i had enough change to call her and get her down there to help me.
I do not have mary's phone number memorized. the first 6 digits, area code included, are the same as mine, but that's it. So I had no way of getting a hold of her, or anyone who could possibly come rescue me (i've known these people for about a month, and while they are all good friends by now, it takes me up to 6 months to have phone numbers memorized). That left me worried, because the plan was to go upstairs to my room, grab the typewriter, and get everything pretty for my fiction writing class tomorrow at nine, fall asleep around 5:30, wake up at 8:30, and run to class. it all would have been perfect.
However, I had to figure out extra, non locked elevators, talk to security guards, and bang on my door until Emi, another roommate of mine, woke up from the noise.
RIght now all I want to do is sleep. and my phone still isnt working right. That means no alarm.
These are the reason that I am not going to fiction writing tomorrow/this morning,
I do not have a room key and this occurred to me as I was folding my laundry. at almost 3 ae em. Without a key you can't even get into the stairs or elevator. The thought crossed my miind that i would have to camp out in the basement if Mary were alseep. My only resource was to call her.
I tried to turn on my phone (it was low on juice so I turned it off), and nothing happened. My phone died in the laundry room of the building to which I lost my key. Then I remembered- there's a pay phone outside the laundry room. I gathered my stuff and moved outside, knowing that i had enough change to call her and get her down there to help me.
I do not have mary's phone number memorized. the first 6 digits, area code included, are the same as mine, but that's it. So I had no way of getting a hold of her, or anyone who could possibly come rescue me (i've known these people for about a month, and while they are all good friends by now, it takes me up to 6 months to have phone numbers memorized). That left me worried, because the plan was to go upstairs to my room, grab the typewriter, and get everything pretty for my fiction writing class tomorrow at nine, fall asleep around 5:30, wake up at 8:30, and run to class. it all would have been perfect.
However, I had to figure out extra, non locked elevators, talk to security guards, and bang on my door until Emi, another roommate of mine, woke up from the noise.
RIght now all I want to do is sleep. and my phone still isnt working right. That means no alarm.
These are the reason that I am not going to fiction writing tomorrow/this morning,
20 September 2006
It had to have been warmer today, I didn't wear my hat.
The weather thing on the computer said it was colder, but I don't believe it.
I stayed inside almost all of today. Slept until 2PM. That's about 12 hours. I''m still a little out of it. its like being put in slow motion.
According to the message I left my acting teacher, Scott, Im sick. And i don't completely disagree with that stamement. It's just not the kind of sick that most people take off for. I couldn't leave the building at 10:45, and therefore I was sick. Sick constitutes having to stay home from something youd otherwise go to.
I like my acting class and would go to it even if I wee physically sick. The only time i left the building was to go pay my tuition. I haven't even left to smoke.
So I've been sitting around not doing anything.
I did make coffee downstairs, because my coffee pot lives with Michael and Jeffrey and Packey and J-Bonez. That sentence jut looks odd.
Also! We watched next for a while and I remembered why I don't like TV.
Also! I found a piece of paper in the newspaper that says "dressed to the nines". It's going on the door of downstairs, or maybe just straight to the wall where they display things i make them. probably stright there.
Also! I keep hearing sirens. They scare me little more than they used to.
Take care.
I stayed inside almost all of today. Slept until 2PM. That's about 12 hours. I''m still a little out of it. its like being put in slow motion.
According to the message I left my acting teacher, Scott, Im sick. And i don't completely disagree with that stamement. It's just not the kind of sick that most people take off for. I couldn't leave the building at 10:45, and therefore I was sick. Sick constitutes having to stay home from something youd otherwise go to.
I like my acting class and would go to it even if I wee physically sick. The only time i left the building was to go pay my tuition. I haven't even left to smoke.
So I've been sitting around not doing anything.
I did make coffee downstairs, because my coffee pot lives with Michael and Jeffrey and Packey and J-Bonez. That sentence jut looks odd.
Also! We watched next for a while and I remembered why I don't like TV.
Also! I found a piece of paper in the newspaper that says "dressed to the nines". It's going on the door of downstairs, or maybe just straight to the wall where they display things i make them. probably stright there.
Also! I keep hearing sirens. They scare me little more than they used to.
Take care.
Christ.
I don't know why I'm posting about this. I'm shaking and it's making it hard to type.
Some guy got Cait.
He was wearing a black hoodie with blue lettering i guess, and he walked up to her and assaulted her.
For once I'm more worried about her than me. I guess that means I'm growing up, right? I mean, I'm not so hot right now, I've been chainsmoking and I can't see straight but the concern is centered aorund her.
For once, it isn't 'what happened to me was worse'. That's not the important part. The important part is that Cait is ok in the end.
How is this fair? Will someone please tell me how this is going to balance out? Because I'm having doubts in my own philosophy. It can't be like this.
I don't know why I'm writing this, especially since there's a link to this on my facebook. But I need to get it out.
The room is spinning. And I'm having flashbacks to everything: what happened when I was a kid, the fourth of july that one year, nick. All times I've been taken advantage of.
The fourth was the worst because I was old enough to understand it and I didn't see it coming.
Why, Tim? Why did you think that you could do that? Why does anyone think they have the right? How are people wired that they don't understand?
I can't go to class tomorrow, no. I'll be hanging out inside all day. I'll figure out how to pay my tuition some other way.
I need to lie down before I vomit.
Not for me this time, for her.
Some guy got Cait.
He was wearing a black hoodie with blue lettering i guess, and he walked up to her and assaulted her.
For once I'm more worried about her than me. I guess that means I'm growing up, right? I mean, I'm not so hot right now, I've been chainsmoking and I can't see straight but the concern is centered aorund her.
For once, it isn't 'what happened to me was worse'. That's not the important part. The important part is that Cait is ok in the end.
How is this fair? Will someone please tell me how this is going to balance out? Because I'm having doubts in my own philosophy. It can't be like this.
I don't know why I'm writing this, especially since there's a link to this on my facebook. But I need to get it out.
The room is spinning. And I'm having flashbacks to everything: what happened when I was a kid, the fourth of july that one year, nick. All times I've been taken advantage of.
The fourth was the worst because I was old enough to understand it and I didn't see it coming.
Why, Tim? Why did you think that you could do that? Why does anyone think they have the right? How are people wired that they don't understand?
I can't go to class tomorrow, no. I'll be hanging out inside all day. I'll figure out how to pay my tuition some other way.
I need to lie down before I vomit.
Not for me this time, for her.
19 September 2006
There is no way it's 54 degrees outside.
It has to be colder than that.
In other news, last night at about 3 ae em I made something to put on the door of downstairs. Out of a Motley Crue poster.
It's uncreative, unoffensive, and took me half a minute to think up. The sad part is its one of those obnoxious feminist thingummies that people pass off as real art.
No. It took 15 minutes to assemble.
The thought? 'How obnoxious can I make this?'
Im trying to send it to my flickr but it isnt working right now. I took said poster, cut out the naked girl wo had no face, and cut letters spelling "faceless for guilt-free" out of the part od the poster tat was red with white stars.
it said:
The american way: (i handwrote that part) Faceless for guilt-free explicit content.
realy stupid.
Also! I am terrified of the theatre building, which is horrible because my major is under the theatre dept.
Also! I saw a man in a suit and hat sitting and smoking a cigarette in the cold. He looked ike someone i would have liked to talk to, but it was cold.
Also! I hate it when people in cars smoke with the windows rolled up. It just makes the car smell.
Also! I am going grocery shooping for the first time today in a little while. it should be interesting.
In other news, last night at about 3 ae em I made something to put on the door of downstairs. Out of a Motley Crue poster.
It's uncreative, unoffensive, and took me half a minute to think up. The sad part is its one of those obnoxious feminist thingummies that people pass off as real art.
No. It took 15 minutes to assemble.
The thought? 'How obnoxious can I make this?'
Im trying to send it to my flickr but it isnt working right now. I took said poster, cut out the naked girl wo had no face, and cut letters spelling "faceless for guilt-free" out of the part od the poster tat was red with white stars.
it said:
The american way: (i handwrote that part) Faceless for guilt-free explicit content.
realy stupid.
Also! I am terrified of the theatre building, which is horrible because my major is under the theatre dept.
Also! I saw a man in a suit and hat sitting and smoking a cigarette in the cold. He looked ike someone i would have liked to talk to, but it was cold.
Also! I hate it when people in cars smoke with the windows rolled up. It just makes the car smell.
Also! I am going grocery shooping for the first time today in a little while. it should be interesting.
18 September 2006
As if the last one wasn't a failure enough, right?
The boy who sold me this computer had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Ever. They were brown in the middle and faded to a deep green ring. They looked like someone had been mixing crayons. Amazing color.
I was otherwise terrified. almost turned around and left without anything. But I did make it, and now I am the owner of a Macbook.
I'm scared of it but I'm doing my best to get used to it and convince myself that it isn't going to eat my soul when I'm not looking.
Regardless, this is attempt number two at blogspot.com online journal.
Wish me luck and don't expect regular postings.
Take care.
Anastasia
I was otherwise terrified. almost turned around and left without anything. But I did make it, and now I am the owner of a Macbook.
I'm scared of it but I'm doing my best to get used to it and convince myself that it isn't going to eat my soul when I'm not looking.
Regardless, this is attempt number two at blogspot.com online journal.
Wish me luck and don't expect regular postings.
Take care.
Anastasia
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