"Nothing WIll Change"

"My love she is my saving grace
She holds me through the winter
Knowing well that I will leave
Still she holds me closer

And if my heart should break
I will surely die
And my blood will flow and my soul will fly
Into the night where the spirits scream...."
-Johnathan Rice, Acrobat

This song feels right, and that makes me even more scared. He is my saving grace and I keep fucking up. and It terrifies me that april might be right. that this endless cycle of chaos I keep creating, accidentally or purposefully, will come back to bite me, and what i want will be gone.
I want him.
Only him. I don't know what's wrong with me, why it seems like im having this hard time committing. commiting to him is easy because i really do love him. I'm just a stupid idiot who has to ruin everything good that comes along.

and if my heart should break, I will surely die.
it feels like a threat... "break up with me and i'll jump". and there's no other way to frame it so i keep it quiet. if he leaves me i have nothing else to live for. and that breaks my heart.
he saved my life. and he's cradling it in his hands.

I will leave this world, and become a dream....
which relates to you will you will. but he won't come back if he leaves.
am i really that different? who am i becoming?
abd most importantly, how do i stop it?