There is someone waiting out there with a mouthful of surprises"- The Mountain Goats
I feel strangely relfective about weird things after driving for about 7 hours through Iowa. Iowa sucks, and there's some stuff that needs out of my head. I dont know about what, but there was a song that I can't remeber that they played in the car tht reminded me of something I can't really remember.
There feels like a layer of grime that has something to do with something.
Mmm. Neva Dinova is helping this immensely.
There is nothing more that I have wanted my whole life than to be in a relationship that would last forever. I have been waiting my whole life to find this. Now that I believe I have found it, it scares the shit out of me. In ways I can't even explain.
The first boy I thought I was in love with humoured me for a very long time. I was humouring myself about a lot of things, too. Things that didn't even get bad until I was in high school. Then I met Adam.
I met Adam at a church conference in Michigan. He was my technical first kiss (that's a whole other story). We were still young and thought we were punk and we were going to get married, so he thought. We wrote letters, they were cute. Adam liked coke. He also liked boys and liked encouraging me to cut myself because it got him off to hear about me cutting myself. I was 'with him' for 2 years. Did I mention he lives in kentucky? I saw him once for two years. I was desperate to be in that relationship that would last forever.
I only broke up with him because I thought Kyle was gone forever. I decided to give up.
Giving up meant a boy named Nick, sort of. It was a confusing summer. I did a lot of things i shouldn't have, probably. By the time Kyle found me again I was most of the way into the relationship with Nick. I had to see that through.
When people hurt my friends, I get angry. Sometimes it sits, sometimes it come out in writing, sometimes I get creative. I've always been like this. Nick hurt my best friend. I let it go for a while, but then I found myself completely giving up on everything. Call it mental suicide. I spent a week in a pill induced pseudo-coma, I think, it may have been longer (i remember wandering around my high school and that's it). I sent myself into shock due to blood loss. I took more pills. I survived. I decided that i could get Nick back. I told him everything. I got him to love me. I never liked him. I was going to have sex with him, because my virginity suddenly didn't matter.
We got along pretty well. I got him to break up with me because I didn't want to do it. Two months of my life. Waste? No. I broke his heart. I avenged Kathlyn. She never asked me to, but i had to.
(Also! While this was going on, I had Mike Robinson come and go. I could have been completely, 100% happy with him all of the time. But it slipped away.
Also! A week or two before I started dating Nick, I made out with some random guy in a treehouse. I think his name was Jacob.
Also! during this time Kyle started talking to me. I flipped out because I was so excited. I had an emotional affair with Kyle the entire time i dated Nick. Nick knew this and I rubbed it in as much as possible.
Also! Half a month before Nick broke up with me/I broke up with him, I had a complete mental breakdown. I don't think Nick even knew, except I started going to see a shrink. Kyle knew. Kyle was the last person to see me before I went crazy in springfield.)
I ended up not having sex with Nick. I told him, December. I broke up with him December 1. Exactly two months. The funniest part about that was, I had said to a friend of mine, "if this goes a day over two months you are under orders to shoot me." I didn't realize that i had done that until later, when I was looking at something. Nick made me do a lot of things that I really didn't want to do. He guilted me into them and sometimes they hurt. So I'm not really sure who was left with more damage. I knew that one wasn't going to last. It was an experiment in destructive beaviour. I knew what he did to girls. I wanted to be taken advantage of and fucked over. Somehow, I don't think that happened. I did a lot of things I didn't want to. I got fucked up. But I think I ended up taking advantage of him. He was willing to change for me and I just wanted to blow him off. Weird.
Kyle somehow saved me. I don't understand how to explain it, but he has and is saving me. This is why I love him. He dropped out of the sky to call me a liar and salute me in the halls and sit with me when I had a panic attack in the back of the art room and stay up all night with me, just to watch the sun rise from separate houses in separate towns over the internet. To get sugar in my hair when we missed the aristocrats. To get me grounded for a month because I never wanted to leave him. I still don't want to be apart from him.
That's how it happened, actually. I didn't want to leave him on groundhog day of last year. the next day I had to go on another conference like the one that i went crazy on, and i wanted to just be with him. 3 ae em and i fell asleep in his bed. Kyle was in the other room. My mother called his house and we got in so much trouble, but it was worth it. I had to go and I wandered into his arms for the first time ever and understood that maybe everything I was feeling was mutual.
and drove home knowing that something had ended, and something else had begun. It almost killed me and i slept very little that whole weekend. I knew that I was in the wrong bed. A week later, we were sort of an item. A week after that was valentines day. He made me a card with us in the poor edward story. I showed everyone I knew. And a week after that we kissed for the first time. That's a story.
Caribou coffee, I was 'buying t-shirts' and he was 'in math class'. He started with my hands, then my arms, then my face. Tracing every scar, every vein, every line. My lips. then we were forehead to forehead, and he said "just one then". And then we kissed. And the whle world began to sing.
It was his first kiss. It was painfully obvious. It felt like my first kiss.
I spent the rest of the day staring at walls and listening to starflyer 59.
And, well, from there it's been history.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I get really scared. I do things that hurt us both. He does things that hurt me so bad I want to be bad. And I don't feel bad. The bad half live in wickedness, yes, but the good half live in arrogance. I'm fucked up but I don't think it makes me better. I love him more than I thought was possible for anyone to love anything. even god. I don't know if i believe in him any more, but it feels like I've got Kyle for my salvation instead.
I remembered the song.
"It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake."- Rilo Kiley, The good that won't come out.
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