Both yesterday and today. Yesterday had a full entry, so it's today that I will focus on. and one thing from yesterday that I didn't know had a purpose.
Sign number 1: I finished the first song ever that I did completely by myself. I wrote the music and everything! This isn't a big deal to most people, but I had a problem with writing music for a long time. That's what Andrea was mostly for. So I have rendered her almost completely obsolete. Except for the friendship part. The song is very sad and unintentionally so. I still don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I've got a bunch of stuff I've been sitting on and now that I feel musically competent, I'm going to write all of that. Like the mail order bride project. That needs to be done.
Sign number 2: I have my period for the fourth time in 8 weeks. I got it yesterday. That seems like more of an inconvenience than a sign, but it relates to sign number 3.
Sign number 3: Today I was at Kyle's. Because of my period, we just watched a movie, so when his parents got home three hours early we were just sitting there (that is the full extent of sign number 2). I had to get out, so we called a friend of his who was supposed ot be over later. He wasn't busy and was there promptly. Long story short, I ended up climbing out of Kyle's bedroom window, scurring to our friend's car and hiding in the backseat until he drove me to the train station. We had a nice conversation when we got there, waiting. Neither of Kyle's parents noticed.
Sign number 4: Meg had a videocamera. I desperately needed one and now I have one on lend. For my NMS project. Now I just need the other half of the idea.
Sign number 5: I went down to Michael/Jeffrey/Claire/etc.'s room and had a life affirming experience. I go down there because I want to and I like to, and I sit with Michael. I like to keep him company, we have great little conversations and music stuff, but sometimes it feels like that line from that Bright Eyes song, It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends. "I'm only here so you're not alone". Don't take that in the wrong way, dear reader, I'm not doing it out of some sense of duty, or like MIchael needs to be watched, but a lot of the time I just sit with him in silence. I love that. Because we both are not alone.
Recently, life has been a struggle with the hormones I've been dealing with. There are days when I feel like I did last year, and some even like what I felt sophomore and junior years of high school. Those were the worst years, especially sophomore year. Those are the worst days now. Some days I don't want to move. I do move, though, and I think that a really big step for me in dealing with all of this is that I understand that it's the fact that I've had period level hormones for about two months now. I understand that it's not the way I am, it's the way my messed-up body cycle is making me. Now, this is different from when I was in therapy, whether the therapy was cutting or drinking or going to that psychologist, because then it wasn't just hormones. I know that I still have that in me somewhere, but I think that this incident with the two months of period will eventually help me deal with what's really wrong with me, if that ever rears its ugly head again.
Also! Kyle and I were watching The Devil and Daniel Johnston, a movie about Daniel Johnston, and Daniel thinks/thought he was condemned to hell. This was kind of scary because last year's collapse was focused on the idea that I had been condemned to hell. Which leads me to believe that that was a major scale mental breakdown last november.
Also! Why am I writing about this? Nobody reads this, and the people who do don't care about my crazy!
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